Emotions are tricky, aren't they?
We go through days.
Moments.
Feel as though we're flying high.
On top of the world.
We rely on others.
Feed off of them.
Our emotions often echo those of the people around us.
Showing posts with label about me. Show all posts
Showing posts with label about me. Show all posts
Tuesday, November 6, 2018
Emotions.
Emotions are tricky, aren't they?
We go through days.
Moments.
Feel as though we're flying high.
On top of the world.
We rely on others.
Feed off of them.
Our emotions often echo those of the people around us.
Saturday, October 13, 2018
Fall = Football, Y'all
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| image courtesy of pixabay |
It finally feels like fall in North Carolina.
Hurricane Michael has come and gone, and somehow left a bit of crisp air in its wake.
I'm catching up on my DVR, and although I know it's Saturday, my body, mind, and my TV make me feel like it's Sunday.
Because all I'm seeing.
On all the channels?
Is game after game.
Is football.
Tuesday, September 25, 2018
Finding Myself
Each day goes by.
Another aspect of my life shifts.
I blink.
Or I don't.
And I try to find myself.
Each week goes by.
I dig through the rubble.
I breathe deeply.
Or I don't.
And I see myself more clearly.
Each month goes by.
Another thought, another unwritten blog post.
I catch myself smiling.
There she is.
Another month.
Another moment.
Another deep breath in.
With each day, week, month ...
Year, even.
I see where my path has taken me.
I see where I am headed.
And I like what the future holds.
Stay with me, friends.
I'm finding myself again.
And I like who I am.
Sunday, December 31, 2017
A Brand New Year
I'm sitting on my couch with my daughter.
She is playing a video game.
I'm on the computer.
That last part is obvious - no?
This really isn't that much different than last year.
My daughter and I welcomed in 2017 with her asleep on the couch. I even recorded the moment the year changed on Snapchat and their year in review popped up with a reminder that made me giggle.
She fell asleep and just missed it. This year she is determined to stay awake.
So.
That's different.
We've got a new cat we're snuggling with.
We had a new one last year, too.
Last year we had two dogs, this year we had to say goodbye to one.
July ended with lots of weeping and sadness.
We knew it was coming - but couldn't prepare for it - how can you prepare to say goodbye to such an unconditional love?
It broke our hearts.
We miss him terribly.
Friday, January 13, 2017
How Much Do You Love Yourself?
Some days the world just seems so intense. Emotions are heightened.
People say things that trigger a thought process we thought we'd escaped from long ago.
Loving ourselves is an interesting challenge. It's a way of life. It's important for living. So very important.
It can be a rough go, though. A tough thing to do consistently. Most of the time I think I'm on the right side of it - the side that loves who I am and where I am in my life. I recently posted the following status update on Facebook and thought to myself - wow - I really am there.
"Sometimes you do your work and you walk away, or hang up the phone, or save the file and you breathe deeply and truly feel like you're meant to be here. In this place. Working with and for these particular people. And you recognize that although sometimes you forget it? This is the work you're meant to do."
And when I share things like this I recognize how far I've come. I am proud of me - of who I am - of what I do. And I wouldn't change a thing.
And then, there are days that I think about how much more I could be doing.
Monday, January 2, 2017
My Favorite Posts of 2016
2016 has been a heck of a year hasn't it?
Many of us have watched our friends and loved ones struggle, or have experienced struggles of our own. Some of us have had amazing years, but watching the world around us go through changes and the like leave us considering how bad it has been for so many.
So, in this line of thinking, I'm recapping my posts for the year. I'd like to share some of my favorite pieces of writing and fill you in on what's been happening for me.
Now, this year was not as exciting, motivating, - perhaps inspiring, even? - as last year was for me, but that's okay. There have still been high points.
This one is pretty obvious. I do this kind of post each year, sharing my favorite books with my readers. It's hard to narrow it down - as I normally read about 50-60 books a year - and so I always wind up with more than I expected, but I wrap up the year with a great list of reads for you to sift through.
I wrote this letter to my friends living with chronic pain. It has to be hard, dealing with pain day in and day out. I want you to know that I see you. I see you there, making your way. And I send you strength and spoons.
I turned 44 this year. And I shared a little bit about it in my This is 44 post. Reflecting back on the year, looking forward, just - being.
Many of us have watched our friends and loved ones struggle, or have experienced struggles of our own. Some of us have had amazing years, but watching the world around us go through changes and the like leave us considering how bad it has been for so many.
So, in this line of thinking, I'm recapping my posts for the year. I'd like to share some of my favorite pieces of writing and fill you in on what's been happening for me.
Now, this year was not as exciting, motivating, - perhaps inspiring, even? - as last year was for me, but that's okay. There have still been high points.
DECEMBER
NOVEMBER
I wrote this letter to my friends living with chronic pain. It has to be hard, dealing with pain day in and day out. I want you to know that I see you. I see you there, making your way. And I send you strength and spoons.
OCTOBER
I turned 44 this year. And I shared a little bit about it in my This is 44 post. Reflecting back on the year, looking forward, just - being.
SEPTEMBER
Sometimes it's so hard to figure out what to say when the world seems to be shattering and people's lives are ending and there's not a damned thing you can really DO about all of it. And so, for me? I wrote.
AUGUST
Fall leaves me with mixed emotions. Memories of birthdays and Halloweens and first days of school gone by. Thoughts of cooler temps, enjoyable weather and being outside. And then, the loss of my father. I don't love fall the way I used to.
JULY
I have a voice. And in this world. In these days. Sometimes. All the time. Whenever I can. I try to use it. July was a rough month. As were the months before, and the months after. And so I wrote.
JUNE
Sometimes you find yourself loving life. Living and parenting at the top of your game. Other times? Not so much. This is me. Keepin' it real about motherhood.
MAY
Not a very personal post in March. I didn't write all that much. But I remind you - then, now, every day, every month - the importance of donating to your local food bank. People in need rely on these organizations for their next meal. They rely on us and our donations to fill their family's bellies. Please help if you can.
APRIL
A few reminders from me on how to navigate motherhood (or fatherhood) and find yourself a stronger parent because of it. It's not easy, raising these individuals we call our children, and finding ways to better engage - to better manage our time and our emotions - all of these are helpful.
MARCH
Sometimes you have nothing to share. Nothing to say - nothing to write. And so, you don't. Not for a while. And then, it comes, inspiration, if only enough motivation to give you a boost and encourage you to write something. Anything. This is that reminder.
FEBRUARY
I sing my own praises for a moment or two. Yep. I know. But hey, isn't that what blogging is for? What some people think it's entirely about? It's an outlet. A place for our voice to shine. For us to sing from the rooftops - whether it's good or bad news - and so, here I am. Slaying. If only for that moment.
JANUARY
If you follow me on Instagram you know I am fond of the selfie. I'm a fan. I've shared my share of pictures of myself that I've taken of myself. And yes, sometimes they're good pics. And sometimes they're a version of myself I would normally keep hidden - but hey - it's okay, it's me. It's who I am. And so, I share anyway. This here? This is why.
And a few more January posts because I couldn't pick just one:
So - how was your year? Did you recap this year? I didn't really want to, and then I decided to do it anyway. This is me. This was my 2016.
And we move forward into this new year, creating new posts, new shares, taking all the new selfies, and just simply being us. Whoever we are. I hope you'll join me in this leg of my journey. I'm still here, hanging by a thread sometimes, feeling amazing on others, and, well, just being me. You do you, friends, and be sure to share with the rest of us to remind us we're all on our own paths at the very same time.
Tuesday, December 29, 2015
2015: I'M IN ALL THE BOOKS!
I would like to share a little bit with you all as we wrap up the year.
2015 has been quite an incredible year for me.
I've taken some big leaps and submitted my work to more and more places.
And it's paid off.
I'm extremely proud to share that I have been published in five books this year.
Yes, that's right. FIVE.
2015 has been quite an incredible year for me.
I've taken some big leaps and submitted my work to more and more places.
And it's paid off.
I'm extremely proud to share that I have been published in five books this year.
Yes, that's right. FIVE.
Wednesday, December 2, 2015
Random Ramblings: November Recap
So, this year I did NaBloPoMo again. If you don't know what that is I'll explain - it's November - you post every day on your blog - if you're me? - you skip some days but do the best you can.
My posts for the month of November are linked below.
November 30: Random Acts of Kindness for Caregivers
November 29: Incredibly Informative Paleo Cookbooks
November 28 - Fall and Winter Fashion and Beauty Ideas
November 26 - American Girl's 2015 Girl of the Year: Grace Thomas (giveaway)
November 25 - A Thanksgiving Ramble
November 22 - Without Any Marshmallows: Sacrifices Mothers Should Not Make
November 22 - November is Winding Down: Where I Am
November 18 - Stolen Years: Stories of the Wrongfully Imprisoned, Reuven Fenton ~ book review
November 17 - Simple Giving: Easy Ways To Give Every Day, Jennifer Iacovelli ~ book review
November 15 - Sunday Free Write: Because It's Okay
November 14 - Shield Yourself. I Give You Permission.
November 12 - Thankful Thursdays: Feeling Thankful
November 11 - Wordless Wednesday: A Touch of Fall
November 9 - Don't Clean Your House. It's Just Not Worth It.
November 8 - The Starbucks Cup Debacle.
November 7 - 7 Books I Need To Read
November 6 - Finding Fitness Fridays: Finding Your Motivation
November 5 - Thankful Thursdays: Gratitude
November 4 - This Method of Cooking a Potato Will Change Your Life
November 3 - One Match.
November 2 - Parents Are Always Prepared. Right?
November 1 - November Goals
And if you're interested in seeing what last November was like for me, check out my list of November 2014 posts.
So - here's my recap - I posted from November 1st - 9th. Then I posted on the 11th, 12th, 14th, 15th, 17th, 18th, and 22nd. Also had a post shared on another site on the 22nd. Then the 25th, 26th, 28th - 30th.
If you can follow that you're in better shape than I am. But also? I'm sick right now so my head is a bit of a bowling ball.
That's about 22/30 if I include that extra share. I suppose I'll take it.
Happy writing and blogging and what-not, everyone.
Tuesday, March 17, 2015
Ten Things You Need to Know About Me.
My lovely friend Tia over at BecominNeurotic tagged me in a post on Friday with some questions. And because she is quite so lovely and a sweetheart and a half, I'm open to answering them.
Her friend asked her some questions, which she answered, and then she decided to ask me and some other fun peeps some questions, too.
It's old school blogging - and it's perfect - because I'm in need of a post prompt and this seems to be it!
Her friend asked her some questions, which she answered, and then she decided to ask me and some other fun peeps some questions, too.
It's old school blogging - and it's perfect - because I'm in need of a post prompt and this seems to be it!
Monday, December 1, 2014
Welcome to December!
If you haven't been with me for the last few weeks you missed me writing every day (give or take) for an entire month. Yikes, right?
And yet, here I am. Day one of a new month and I'm inspired to write.
I even started writing this in my head. I think.
Anyway, welcome to December!
In honor of the twelfth month of the year I thought I'd give you a list of twelve.
Twelve what? you ask ... I'm not sure yet. Just twelve.
Things about me. Things I've done this morning. Things I do every day. General things.
Here you have it. My twelve.
And yet, here I am. Day one of a new month and I'm inspired to write.
I even started writing this in my head. I think.
Anyway, welcome to December!
In honor of the twelfth month of the year I thought I'd give you a list of twelve.
Twelve what? you ask ... I'm not sure yet. Just twelve.
Things about me. Things I've done this morning. Things I do every day. General things.
Here you have it. My twelve.
Monday, November 3, 2014
Little bits of extremely important information about me.
I'm kickin' it old school today because Jana of Jana's Thinking Place tagged me last week and asked me to share five random things about myself. The last time I did something like this I filled out one of those old survey-type things we used to get via email. I went all pre-Y2K for a bit.
What I loved about this was that I went back and back and back still to read five things that everyone was revealing about themselves. Everyone who tagged everyone and all the people who were tagged. I just kept going and fell down the old school blogging rabbit hole.
Anyway - five things about me. Coming right up.
Saturday, October 25, 2014
Style Inspiration: Polyvore
Oh, my creative and fashionable friends - have you found yourself over at Polyvore yet?
If you haven't, you need to head on over. But read my post first, okay?
If you haven't, you need to head on over. But read my post first, okay?
The great news is that you don't have to actually BUY the clothes you find on Polyvore. You can create boards of things you covet. Like the bracelet below in my Casual Style board. That's over $1K. Dream on, I know, but it's so pretty.
Anyway, I used to be addicted to the Polyvore creations that my friend Elisa over at Globetrotting in Heels pulled together. I still am, I'm just a missing in action bloggy friend. But head on over there, she's got an outfit of the week up right now you're going to love.
And so do I. In fact, I have a few of them.
Wednesday, October 15, 2014
Finding Zoe, Brandi Rarus and Gail Harris ~ book review
When the information for Finding Zoe came across my email I jumped on it pretty quickly. The opportunity to review the book for Pump Up Your Book was one I couldn't pass up.
A little history - if you don't yet know this about me - is that I know and love American Sign Language. I have a fascination with it and the deaf community. One that started at a young age.
When I was in elementary school my best friend's aunt taught us to sign the alphabet. Shortly after that a family moved in across the street from us. The children were deaf. My ability to sign developed at that point. I used ASL for years. And then I didn't. And then I did again. I don't use it much these days and I'm extremely rusty, but I can still finger-spell with the best of them!
Anyway, before this turns into a bit of an autobiographical post, you can tell why I wanted to read more about Brandi and Zoe. But let me tell you more.
Thursday, April 3, 2014
I'm trying to stay in the Zone.
* I received a variety of ZonePerfect bars as a participant in this challenge. I am not being compensated for this post and all expressed opinions are completely my own. *
If you have been reading me for a while you know that I struggle left and right with fitness, motivation and inspiration. You also might have seen that I started participating in the Blog Forward Challenge with ZonePerfect earlier this year.
Admittedly, I struggled through much of March with some traveling and some illness and then with the weather in the earlier months, sigh, excuses excuses. I'm getting back on track and I went for a really long walk the other day with a friend and am finally feeling like moving matters again.
I set some goals back in January. I set them again now, in April. I have lost some weight, and that's great. I'm back to tracking myself on MyFitnessPal and I find that it's helping. But I really need to do more. I need to bust out the sweats and find myself moving regularly. I need to consciously uncouple myself from emotional eating. *Come on, I HAD to.*
I need to remind myself that I have a Fitbit zip I could wear regularly and count all the steps I take every single day. Or I could turn around and get myself one to wear on my wrist so I can feel like I'm more motivated and more involved in my own health. More aware. Whatever it takes.
I was in Disney World last weekend for Type-A Parent Bootcamp and I walked A LOT. I felt really good about that. I ate a lot, too, but I could have done a lot worse. I actually didn't feel bloated or swollen or anything I usually experience when I fly. So I'm thinking the walking was a huge help. I even brought my Brooks kicks and wore them throughout Magic Kingdom on Saturday night. So I wasn't messing around.
And a huge bonus was that these ZonePerfect bars arrived before I left! So I was able to bring a bag of them with me and find a new favorite.
The Chocolate Almond Raisin bar is AMAZING. Seriously. I need to find a box of them and fast. I'm hoping I stumble across them soon. And if you want, you can sign up to be a ZonePerfect VIP and grab yourself about $10 worth in coupons (which will be emailed to you over the course of the coming year) for your own shopping experience.
ZonePerfect is also hoping to keep me charged in other ways throughout the coming months. They've sent me a portable phone charger, along with one to give away to one of my readers. So leave me a comment below with a flavor of ZonePerfect bar that you'd like to try and you'll be entered to win.
And if you're looking to swap out your sweetened beverages for something a little healthier, check out this graphic for more tips. I've started off by either completely eliminating sweet tea from my intake, or at the very least if I really am itching for it I do a half-and-half and go half sweet and half unsweetened. Sometimes it takes baby steps, but whatever works will get me closer to my goal.
I hope you'll stick with me as I make my way through this challenge and that you'll keep me posted if you are doing healthier things for yourself, as well. Any tips we can share will be great ones, I'm sure. Looking forward to connecting with you and finding my fitspiration from you all.
* I received a variety of bars from ZonePerfect as a participant in this challenge. I also received a portable phone charger for myself and one to give away to a reader. I was not compensated in any way for this post and all expressed opinions are strictly my own. *
If you have been reading me for a while you know that I struggle left and right with fitness, motivation and inspiration. You also might have seen that I started participating in the Blog Forward Challenge with ZonePerfect earlier this year.
Admittedly, I struggled through much of March with some traveling and some illness and then with the weather in the earlier months, sigh, excuses excuses. I'm getting back on track and I went for a really long walk the other day with a friend and am finally feeling like moving matters again.
I set some goals back in January. I set them again now, in April. I have lost some weight, and that's great. I'm back to tracking myself on MyFitnessPal and I find that it's helping. But I really need to do more. I need to bust out the sweats and find myself moving regularly. I need to consciously uncouple myself from emotional eating. *Come on, I HAD to.*
I need to remind myself that I have a Fitbit zip I could wear regularly and count all the steps I take every single day. Or I could turn around and get myself one to wear on my wrist so I can feel like I'm more motivated and more involved in my own health. More aware. Whatever it takes.
I was in Disney World last weekend for Type-A Parent Bootcamp and I walked A LOT. I felt really good about that. I ate a lot, too, but I could have done a lot worse. I actually didn't feel bloated or swollen or anything I usually experience when I fly. So I'm thinking the walking was a huge help. I even brought my Brooks kicks and wore them throughout Magic Kingdom on Saturday night. So I wasn't messing around.
And a huge bonus was that these ZonePerfect bars arrived before I left! So I was able to bring a bag of them with me and find a new favorite.
The Chocolate Almond Raisin bar is AMAZING. Seriously. I need to find a box of them and fast. I'm hoping I stumble across them soon. And if you want, you can sign up to be a ZonePerfect VIP and grab yourself about $10 worth in coupons (which will be emailed to you over the course of the coming year) for your own shopping experience.
ZonePerfect is also hoping to keep me charged in other ways throughout the coming months. They've sent me a portable phone charger, along with one to give away to one of my readers. So leave me a comment below with a flavor of ZonePerfect bar that you'd like to try and you'll be entered to win.
And if you're looking to swap out your sweetened beverages for something a little healthier, check out this graphic for more tips. I've started off by either completely eliminating sweet tea from my intake, or at the very least if I really am itching for it I do a half-and-half and go half sweet and half unsweetened. Sometimes it takes baby steps, but whatever works will get me closer to my goal.
I hope you'll stick with me as I make my way through this challenge and that you'll keep me posted if you are doing healthier things for yourself, as well. Any tips we can share will be great ones, I'm sure. Looking forward to connecting with you and finding my fitspiration from you all.
* I received a variety of bars from ZonePerfect as a participant in this challenge. I also received a portable phone charger for myself and one to give away to a reader. I was not compensated in any way for this post and all expressed opinions are strictly my own. *
Thursday, March 27, 2014
Totally TMI. In a VIDEO.
Well, it's not THAT horrible as far as the content goes - it's just lonnnng.
This is the longest shortest post of all time, because my writing is super quick and my video is super long and so - well - there you have it.
I was tagged by Alissa Enders and Kelli of Momma Needs a Beer and so I figured it was about time I got this thing recorded and underway. Of course as soon as I sat down to do so I realized that my MacBook Air's camera is not functioning or recognizable or whatever and so I wound up recording myself upstairs on my iPad. And I promise any noises you hear aren't bodily functions, but are the iPad case ... honest.
So, if you're interested in finding out 50 things about me, click the video below and watch the 10 minutes or so to hear what I have to say. And if you're even more interested in things like this? Consider yourself tagged. I'm too out of focus to figure out who hasn't done this already and so I didn't specifically tag anyone. Just cause. Instead I'll tag all of you.
And if you don't watch it or participate - it's okay. No worries. I can handle it and still adore you. Personally I just wanted to get a post up and touch base with y'all before I head off to Type-A Bootcamp in Walt Disney World. Woot! Epcot here I come.
I asked my Facebook peeps what I should eat or drink while I'm there and have a huge list I need to keep on-hand while walking around the park. What about you? When was the last time you were at Epcot and what are your suggestions? Anything I absolutely cannot skip while I'm there?
Okay, that'll be all for today. I do have a book review to get done for you guys for tomorrow, so let me run off and finish that up, a'ight? Ciao for now!
p.s. I think I'm on Bloglovin now ... Check me out.
Follow my blog with Bloglovin
This is the longest shortest post of all time, because my writing is super quick and my video is super long and so - well - there you have it.
I was tagged by Alissa Enders and Kelli of Momma Needs a Beer and so I figured it was about time I got this thing recorded and underway. Of course as soon as I sat down to do so I realized that my MacBook Air's camera is not functioning or recognizable or whatever and so I wound up recording myself upstairs on my iPad. And I promise any noises you hear aren't bodily functions, but are the iPad case ... honest.
So, if you're interested in finding out 50 things about me, click the video below and watch the 10 minutes or so to hear what I have to say. And if you're even more interested in things like this? Consider yourself tagged. I'm too out of focus to figure out who hasn't done this already and so I didn't specifically tag anyone. Just cause. Instead I'll tag all of you.
And if you don't watch it or participate - it's okay. No worries. I can handle it and still adore you. Personally I just wanted to get a post up and touch base with y'all before I head off to Type-A Bootcamp in Walt Disney World. Woot! Epcot here I come.
I asked my Facebook peeps what I should eat or drink while I'm there and have a huge list I need to keep on-hand while walking around the park. What about you? When was the last time you were at Epcot and what are your suggestions? Anything I absolutely cannot skip while I'm there?
Okay, that'll be all for today. I do have a book review to get done for you guys for tomorrow, so let me run off and finish that up, a'ight? Ciao for now!
p.s. I think I'm on Bloglovin now ... Check me out.
Follow my blog with Bloglovin
Sunday, March 2, 2014
Amazing Reads. The 3/2 Edition.
Good morning, friends. How's everyone doing?
This is me this morning. As in right now.
I'm feeling a cold. I'm sipping on hot tea. I've got water and Zicam-like tablets in front of me, at the ready. And I'm catching up on my reading.
My head is crazy clogged and I need a suction of sorts done on my sinuses.
But I'm here for you. Isn't that amazing of me? * hahahah. I'm funny, aren't I?
Anyway - an hour or so later - and I'm back. Didja miss me?
Here are a few of the incredible things I read this week. Or this morning. Or both.
This is me this morning. As in right now.
I'm feeling a cold. I'm sipping on hot tea. I've got water and Zicam-like tablets in front of me, at the ready. And I'm catching up on my reading.
My head is crazy clogged and I need a suction of sorts done on my sinuses.
But I'm here for you. Isn't that amazing of me? * hahahah. I'm funny, aren't I?
Anyway - an hour or so later - and I'm back. Didja miss me?
Here are a few of the incredible things I read this week. Or this morning. Or both.
Monday, November 11, 2013
30 Days.
Thirty days.
Numbers suck lately, don't they?
How many weeks has it been since I lost the first man I ever loved?
How many Fridays have I counted since those dreaded phone calls that led to the worst news I have ever received in my life?
How many moments have I experienced where the tears started falling out of what seemed like nowhere?
How many times has my daughter looked up at the sky, or the ceiling, and said 'Good morning, Zeide'?
And then turned to me and encouraged me to do the same?
So many.
How many moments have we lived without him already?
Too many.
So how is it possible we keep going? How do we look ahead, all the while looking back and wishing, hoping, dreaming that all of this is some alternate reality in which we will all wake up soon and see him. There. Sitting there. On the floor in front of the new couch.
On the porch when we pull into the driveway.
At the kitchen table, glasses on, reading. Scratching out the Chinese food order onto a slip of paper.
What happened to all of those slips of paper?
My dad didn't sign the cards. He didn't do the writing. I don't have enough of his handwriting.
But I have a recipe. Chicken soup. I need to find it. I know where it should be, but I need to find it.
And soon.
Because that recipe is a piece of my father. A moment in time where we sat down together, discussed ingredients, laughed, talked, shared. Not that I didn't call him every.single.time I made chicken soup and/or matzo balls anyway.
What should I do if they don't float, Daddy?
Yoina, what did you do with my baking powder? I can't find it.
Daddy, I made a matzo brie!
I need that G-d-forsaken slip of paper. I need to close my eyes and find it.
I know I will. I know it's somewhere. Everything is somewhere, right? I mean, it HAS to be.
In the meantime I know I can make it on my own. I know I can. And I will. I mean, now I have to.
And it sucks.
It's not fair.
And I'll keep on counting.
The firsts. The nexts. The days. The weeks. The months. The years? Will I? I mean, I will, but how?
Sigh. This sucks.
Royally.
I love you, Pops.
I miss you. Always.
Numbers suck lately, don't they?
How many weeks has it been since I lost the first man I ever loved?
How many Fridays have I counted since those dreaded phone calls that led to the worst news I have ever received in my life?
How many moments have I experienced where the tears started falling out of what seemed like nowhere?
How many times has my daughter looked up at the sky, or the ceiling, and said 'Good morning, Zeide'?
And then turned to me and encouraged me to do the same?
So many.
How many moments have we lived without him already?
Too many.
So how is it possible we keep going? How do we look ahead, all the while looking back and wishing, hoping, dreaming that all of this is some alternate reality in which we will all wake up soon and see him. There. Sitting there. On the floor in front of the new couch.
On the porch when we pull into the driveway.
At the kitchen table, glasses on, reading. Scratching out the Chinese food order onto a slip of paper.
What happened to all of those slips of paper?
My dad didn't sign the cards. He didn't do the writing. I don't have enough of his handwriting.
But I have a recipe. Chicken soup. I need to find it. I know where it should be, but I need to find it.
And soon.
Because that recipe is a piece of my father. A moment in time where we sat down together, discussed ingredients, laughed, talked, shared. Not that I didn't call him every.single.time I made chicken soup and/or matzo balls anyway.
What should I do if they don't float, Daddy?
Yoina, what did you do with my baking powder? I can't find it.
Daddy, I made a matzo brie!
I need that G-d-forsaken slip of paper. I need to close my eyes and find it.
I know I will. I know it's somewhere. Everything is somewhere, right? I mean, it HAS to be.
In the meantime I know I can make it on my own. I know I can. And I will. I mean, now I have to.
And it sucks.
It's not fair.
And I'll keep on counting.
The firsts. The nexts. The days. The weeks. The months. The years? Will I? I mean, I will, but how?
Sigh. This sucks.
Royally.
I love you, Pops.
I miss you. Always.
Tuesday, November 5, 2013
The words won't come.
They just won't.
I'm posting to remind myself that I am here.
That I have this space.
So much to say. So many thoughts.
The tears come and go as they please.
I don't expect them to stop.
I'm not sure I want them to.
But man, this hurts.
It's hell.
My heart is shattered.
Every day my daughter talks to my father.
Every single day.
And every day she reminds me to do it, too.
And so I do.
And he hears us.
I know he does.
But I want him to be here.
I want him to answer.
And he can't.
He won't.
Not now. Possibly not ever.
And it's not fair.
It sucks, truly.
I'm not one to mince words. That much you know.
And so - here I am - trying to find my words again.
Will there ever be anything else to write about?
Do I care?
No. I want my daddy back.
Can my words do that for me?
In my heart, I suppose, a little bit.
But not truly.
Not nearly in the way I am hoping for.
Missing you, Daddy. Still. And always. Forever.
I'm posting to remind myself that I am here.
That I have this space.
So much to say. So many thoughts.
The tears come and go as they please.
I don't expect them to stop.
I'm not sure I want them to.
But man, this hurts.
It's hell.
My heart is shattered.
Every day my daughter talks to my father.
Every single day.
And every day she reminds me to do it, too.
And so I do.
And he hears us.
I know he does.
But I want him to be here.
I want him to answer.
And he can't.
He won't.
Not now. Possibly not ever.
And it's not fair.
It sucks, truly.
I'm not one to mince words. That much you know.
And so - here I am - trying to find my words again.
Will there ever be anything else to write about?
Do I care?
No. I want my daddy back.
Can my words do that for me?
In my heart, I suppose, a little bit.
But not truly.
Not nearly in the way I am hoping for.
Missing you, Daddy. Still. And always. Forever.
Thursday, July 18, 2013
Today vs. Tomorrow.
You know when you just take in everything around you and find yourself overwhelmed and weighed down by all that you've heard? Seen? Felt?
I'm not going to write this to capitalize on all that's been happening in our world these days. I'm writing it to say, what the eff has been happening in our world these days?
But seriously, sometimes things trigger and roll into one another and so on meets so forth and before you know it you can't fall asleep at night and your head hurts, your heart hurts and you wonder what sort of world you've brought your child(ren) into and what the future holds.
What the hell am I talking about - you wonder?
Well, start off with the Trayvon Martin case. And the verdict. And finding out (thanks social media) that the verdict was coming in, turning on the TV in seconds and hearing, 'Not guilty,' as you sat and stared.
My Facebook update after that?
OMG
Yep. That was all I could say. OMG.
Did I think he'd get off? Sigh. Yes. Sadly, I did. Did I want him to? Nope. No way.
You know back when this all first happened and those news stories floated around? I read them all. Watched them all. LISTENED to them all. I heard that dispatcher tell him, this 28 (now 29) year-old man, to stop following the boy. The 17-year-old boy. I heard those words. And he didn't listen. And now a boy is dead.
Do I know if Trayvon Martin was an angel? No. Do I believe he was the best young man in the world? No. I don't know anything about him to prove he was or he wasn't. I just know he was a 17-yo boy who was shot dead by a 28yo man.
Was race a factor? Sure. Say it wasn't and I say you're probably hiding the truth from yourself. That's okay. We all do it now and then. Yes. ALL of us. Even me. And you. And our friends. Family. Whomever. Whenever. We do it.
So I shook my head at the verdict and I watched as Facebook and Twitter blew up with some serious and important statements. And some huge generalizations. And some negative reactions. And some not-so-negative ones. I agreed with some, disagreed with others, and politely discussed what was on my mind with some.
The over the top people? The ones who didn't speak like real people? Generalized and went off in one direction or another. Spouting their hooey all over the web? I ignored them. Or stopped following them. Whatever I needed. And then I went to bed.
And the next morning I woke up and found out that Cory Monteith had died.
And I was really sad.
Being said about this young man of 31 did NOT mean I was less sad about the verdict from the night before. AT ALL. I was sad because someone who had an issue with drugs and addiction in his lifetime likely had succumbed to the disease and lost his life because of it. Cory Monteith is not someone I knew. He is, however, someone real. Despite being an actor. He's a real person.
And you know what? I cried for him.
Maybe it's because Glee has been a part of my world since it started those few years ago? Maybe it's because I have seen so many celebrities walk in and out of rehab, only to lose the battle anyway? And maybe it's because PEOPLE, people in general lose that battle every single day.
So I wallowed in the music of Glee. I watched videos of Cory singing songs.
I was already sad from the night before. I had no words. I had needs.
I needed to cry.
You know when that happens? When your tears are there but they need that final shove? That ultimate trigger?
That was me.
I needed that catharsis. I needed to cry. For Trayvon and his family. For Cory and his. Two totally different situations, yes, for certain.
I saw a tweet that made fun of those of us reacting to the loss of a celebrity who meant nothing to anyone. And I got it. I did. But I also didn't like it very much.
People grieve in their own way. People react to things that are beyond their control, their scope of living, and their PERSONAL CIRCLES in their own way.
Unless you knew Trayvon Martin, you're going to grieve over this verdict differently than his family will. And you can say it hurts you and makes you ache, and no doubt it does. But you weren't his friend. You weren't his mother. His father.
So I respect your grief. I respect your pain. And I especially respect the fears this brings to life for you. I have so many friends who have discussed this. Mothers of black sons. I will never understand. I can never pretend to. I can try, and I can respect, and I can love. But I won't understand. Not exactly. Not precisely. But I will try. And I will respect. And I will love.
And I have done so. And continue to do so.
And at the same time? I think to myself of a 31-year-old man who sat in his hotel room and lost his life. And I shake my head because why is it that celebrities die this way all the time? What is it that leaves them so sad and lonely that dying alone is what has to happen for them? Can you imagine it? Have you ever lost someone to addiction and said to yourself, why? What happened that made them succumb again?
As a social worker I can try to get into Cory's brain. I can try and imagine what spurred him back to the drugs that soothed him in some way. We all can, I'm sure. But as a social worker I've been asked to before. This was not a field I chose to go into lightly. And when I followed my path to work with children many years ago, I met with many people in many organizations helping men like Cory. And I didn't take those roles. I wasn't sure I was strong enough to. I'm still not. But there are people who are. And I hope that they find the Cory-s out there and help them. Help them before they find themselves alone in a hotel room.
Because it's so damned sad when a life ends too soon.
No matter how it happened. Or why.
And when someone accidentally takes their own life - it sucks.
And when someone intentionally takes their own life - it sucks.
And when someone has their life taken away from them - it sucks.
Death sucks. Period. End of story.
And this, my friends, is why I watch The Daily Show at night. Because laughter really IS good medicine.
And why I cried when I watched this video, because Cheerios rocks and people need to know that THIS? THIS is our future. This is what we need to see. Need to watch and need to feel.
And damn, if I didn't watch it and cry my eyes out.
For good for a change. Because these kids? They see the good. They ARE the good.
And so is mine. And so are yours.
Cheesy final line? *I believe the children are our future.* Truth.
Monday, May 20, 2013
Why I go to blog conferences.
If you follow me on twitter you already know I spent part of this weekend in Charlotte for Bloggy Boot Camp with the SITS girls. Dayum, people, it was pretty awesome.
I met a bunch of peeps. I learned a bunch of stuff. And I have a lot to say, but I'm still fried. Or slightly fried. So I'm going to share pictures instead. Mostly.
These shots don't cover all the peeps I got to connect with, but they include a small handful. And that's okay. The cameras didn't have much time to come out, as this one-day-intensive was all about blogging.
So much so that I want to go to Dallas for their business intensive. Damn.
Anyone want to send me?
Think I'm kidding? Check the hashtag. I'm SO NOT KIDDING.
Anyway, like I mentioned, omgahhhh! I met some friends!!!
I met the Dose Girls. If you don't know my friends over at The Dose of Reality then you are missing out. These ladies are some of the funniest women in the world of blogging. For serious. They're also so damned sweet. And I adore them. So much so I have two pictures to share. And sorry, I cut out two new friends from the Diva shot below because I needed to focus on my girls. But I am excited to have made some new friends, too. I just needed to show you me and this duo close up, m'kay?
I adore them. And you know how we feel like people we only know online are like floating heads? I mean, we only see their twitter and facebook profile pictures, and even if we're friends on facebook we usually end up with shots from the neck up. Well, see above. ^^ They're PEOPLE!
But, of course, taking our own picture - our selfie-trio? We're ALL floating heads together.
*Snort* I'm sorry, I couldn't help myself. We're cute, though, aren't we?
I also got to spend some quality time with Jen of Jael Custom Designs. Jen was amazing enough to give me a ride to and from Charlotte. And we were roommates for the night, and I don't think she got sick of me, so that's a good thing. We're practically neighbors and yet we don't get to see one another nearly as often as I'd like. Hopefully we can change that and do lots more bloggy-business together in our area.
One of the cool things about this conference was that the ladies of SITS planned it so all attendees were assigned tables for the first few sessions of the day, and through lunch. And then you were able to be "free" to connect with your "friends" - this guaranteed you a chance to meet people you'd never even heard of before that moment in time. So Jen and I were together for our first table (oddly coincidental, perhaps?) and then after that we didn't see one another til after lunch. So we met different people, made different connections, and had totally different experiences.
And yes, we surely would have anyway, but you know there are people who go to conferences and ONLY sit with people they know. And they have their set experience planned out. This was kind of cool and different in that way. No cliques, no seat saving, etc. I liked it.
Anyway, here we are as the conference came to an end. I think we look pretty good after a day filled with learning and networking!
I also got to meet two local bloggers who I hadn't yet met. Apparently we had to go all the way to Charlotte to connect. They are Allison and Sarah, two of the ladies over at Mom in Chapel Hill. Allison also writes at Go Dansker Mom and wrote an incredible post about the BBC experience that's already up. (Overachiever!) Sarah writes over at 2paws Designs and also, apparently, has a recap post up. (Y'all are too speedy for me!) And I got to reconnect with my BlogHer12 roommate, Amy, of Somebody's Parents. Who - geez - I might not have seen SINCE August? What the heck? Seriously. She lives here, too. What is WRONG with me? Why don't I connect with people IRL when they are RIGHT HERE? /note to self: change that ASAP. Here we are taking a picture below:
* Note - I did a lot of tweaking with picmonkey on these shots. I sadly left my Verizon Wireless Blackberry Z10 home this weekend because it was missing when I was packing to leave. Of course I found it hiding on my desk when I got home - but my pictures suffered from the lack of it.
Lastly, I got to take a quick shot with Deirdre of JDaniel4sMom. We did not get to spend as much time together as I would have liked, but it was still awesome to connect with her. If you're looking for ANYTHING to do with your little one? Anything at all? Head on over to her place. You won't regret it. I promise.
Are you tired of my name-and photo-dropping?
Yeah, I am, too. I suppose I could have done a recap instead and been done quicker.
But if you haven't seen my tweet AND my #BBCChar facebook post about the most important way to sum up this (and any other) conference, I'll fill you in on why this was critical for me to share.
First off, I've done so several times before. I've talked about the amazing people I met and hung with at Type-A Parent Conference 2012. AND at Type-A Parent Conference 2011.
And then I also shared how I was SO excited to meet some of my friends in NYC at BlogHer last year! For me, that was the most important part of BlogHer12.
So it should be no surprise that I'm giving you a post like this again.
And the last reason why is a quote that comes from the incomparable Tiffany Romero:
"Conferences are invaluable for meeting people face-to-face."
Yep. Yes. THAT is why I go.
Sure - I go to learn. That's a given. But the people? They are why I keep going. And probably will continue to. So - who will I see at Type-A Parent 2013 in Atlanta in September?
I met a bunch of peeps. I learned a bunch of stuff. And I have a lot to say, but I'm still fried. Or slightly fried. So I'm going to share pictures instead. Mostly.
These shots don't cover all the peeps I got to connect with, but they include a small handful. And that's okay. The cameras didn't have much time to come out, as this one-day-intensive was all about blogging.
So much so that I want to go to Dallas for their business intensive. Damn.
Anyone want to send me?
Think I'm kidding? Check the hashtag. I'm SO NOT KIDDING.
Anyway, like I mentioned, omgahhhh! I met some friends!!!
I met the Dose Girls. If you don't know my friends over at The Dose of Reality then you are missing out. These ladies are some of the funniest women in the world of blogging. For serious. They're also so damned sweet. And I adore them. So much so I have two pictures to share. And sorry, I cut out two new friends from the Diva shot below because I needed to focus on my girls. But I am excited to have made some new friends, too. I just needed to show you me and this duo close up, m'kay?
I adore them. And you know how we feel like people we only know online are like floating heads? I mean, we only see their twitter and facebook profile pictures, and even if we're friends on facebook we usually end up with shots from the neck up. Well, see above. ^^ They're PEOPLE!
But, of course, taking our own picture - our selfie-trio? We're ALL floating heads together.
*Snort* I'm sorry, I couldn't help myself. We're cute, though, aren't we?
I also got to spend some quality time with Jen of Jael Custom Designs. Jen was amazing enough to give me a ride to and from Charlotte. And we were roommates for the night, and I don't think she got sick of me, so that's a good thing. We're practically neighbors and yet we don't get to see one another nearly as often as I'd like. Hopefully we can change that and do lots more bloggy-business together in our area.
One of the cool things about this conference was that the ladies of SITS planned it so all attendees were assigned tables for the first few sessions of the day, and through lunch. And then you were able to be "free" to connect with your "friends" - this guaranteed you a chance to meet people you'd never even heard of before that moment in time. So Jen and I were together for our first table (oddly coincidental, perhaps?) and then after that we didn't see one another til after lunch. So we met different people, made different connections, and had totally different experiences.
And yes, we surely would have anyway, but you know there are people who go to conferences and ONLY sit with people they know. And they have their set experience planned out. This was kind of cool and different in that way. No cliques, no seat saving, etc. I liked it.
Anyway, here we are as the conference came to an end. I think we look pretty good after a day filled with learning and networking!
I also got to meet two local bloggers who I hadn't yet met. Apparently we had to go all the way to Charlotte to connect. They are Allison and Sarah, two of the ladies over at Mom in Chapel Hill. Allison also writes at Go Dansker Mom and wrote an incredible post about the BBC experience that's already up. (Overachiever!) Sarah writes over at 2paws Designs and also, apparently, has a recap post up. (Y'all are too speedy for me!) And I got to reconnect with my BlogHer12 roommate, Amy, of Somebody's Parents. Who - geez - I might not have seen SINCE August? What the heck? Seriously. She lives here, too. What is WRONG with me? Why don't I connect with people IRL when they are RIGHT HERE? /note to self: change that ASAP. Here we are taking a picture below:
* Note - I did a lot of tweaking with picmonkey on these shots. I sadly left my Verizon Wireless Blackberry Z10 home this weekend because it was missing when I was packing to leave. Of course I found it hiding on my desk when I got home - but my pictures suffered from the lack of it.
Lastly, I got to take a quick shot with Deirdre of JDaniel4sMom. We did not get to spend as much time together as I would have liked, but it was still awesome to connect with her. If you're looking for ANYTHING to do with your little one? Anything at all? Head on over to her place. You won't regret it. I promise.
Are you tired of my name-and photo-dropping?
Yeah, I am, too. I suppose I could have done a recap instead and been done quicker.
But if you haven't seen my tweet AND my #BBCChar facebook post about the most important way to sum up this (and any other) conference, I'll fill you in on why this was critical for me to share.
First off, I've done so several times before. I've talked about the amazing people I met and hung with at Type-A Parent Conference 2012. AND at Type-A Parent Conference 2011.
And then I also shared how I was SO excited to meet some of my friends in NYC at BlogHer last year! For me, that was the most important part of BlogHer12.
So it should be no surprise that I'm giving you a post like this again.
And the last reason why is a quote that comes from the incomparable Tiffany Romero:
"Conferences are invaluable for meeting people face-to-face."
Yep. Yes. THAT is why I go.
Sure - I go to learn. That's a given. But the people? They are why I keep going. And probably will continue to. So - who will I see at Type-A Parent 2013 in Atlanta in September?
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