The C-word

Nearly every single person you know has been touched by cancer. 

Honestly. 

Everyone knows someone who has fought it. 

Knows someone who has beaten it. 

Knows someone who hasn't. 

Let's keep it real for a second. 

The C-word is a bitch. 

There's a reason that eff cancer is a hashtag. 

It's awful. Devastating. Crushing. 

Curable for some. Fatal for others. 

It was announced yesterday that President Biden has prostate cancer. 

It's aggressive. 

It's scary. 

But they're hopeful. And that matters. 

As expected, social media is FULL of people who are sharing their stories. 

Whether their own. That of their loved one(s). Of someone they knew but never met. Of someone they may have met once. 

Of someone who touched the lives of their loved ones. The friend of a friend.

Their friend's mother. Aunt. Sister. Brother. Father. Child. 

Their own mother. Aunt. Sister. Brother. Father. Child. 

You see what I'm saying, right? 

So. If you, like me, are finding all this talk about the C-word to be a lot? 

Protect your peace. 

Scroll by. Put the phone down. 

Don't get me wrong, share if you want to. 

I did initially. And I posted how thankful I was that my feed included so many positive thoughts, prayers, comments about the President. 

And then today, I realized it was so so very much. 

Never mind the stupidity that you'll see out there. Whew. The eyeroll emoji belongs everywhere. 

But the stories where people share how quickly they lost loved ones. How unexpectedly. How diagnoses are reported out of the blue. 

You don't have to read them all. 

It's not disrespectful to monitor your intake. 

To protect your peace. 

It's okay. 

Scroll by. Put the phone down. 

Take care of you. 

Just like Joe and Jill and their family and loved ones will do for themselves. 

It's okay. You're allowed. 

xo

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Divorce as a Nonparent

So many women find themselves in a new stage of life, a change that they can't seem to wrap their minds around. An unexpected one. Prompted by themselves. Their partner. Both of them.

One doesn't need to know how things started, or - more likely - ended - to consider exploring the emotions experienced when it comes to divorce.

Divorce is difficult.

It does not matter if you're a mom or a dad, or quite possibly someone who is defined and described as a wife or husband, without that parent moniker attached.

So, if that is you? I am writing this for you.

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Emotions.

Emotions are tricky, aren't they?

We go through days.

Moments.

Feel as though we're flying high.

On top of the world.

We rely on others.

Feed off of them.

Our emotions often echo those of the people around us.

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Free Write: Witnessing History

Anyone who has any sort of social media account at all has seen the ruling from this week.

The Supreme Court of the United States has declared that same-sex marriage is constitutional. In every.single.state. Every single one.

This means that couples who have married in one state because that state allowed for it are now considered legally married in other states.

Now, honestly, I don't have to spell this out for you. You have to know how HUGE this is.

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Across My Internet: Bits and Pieces

I'm all over the place with the things I've been trying to write. As you'll notice, it's been a while since I've published anything. Unless you count this post over at SITS entitled: 8 Places To Submit Your Writing. That's by me. But otherwise I've been stuck. It happens. It's a weird place to be, though. And sometimes when I'm there I find amazing things to read. But even those get slow now and then.

So I'm all over the place with the reading, too. And the opening of the things I want to read, and all that's out there, leaving tabs scattered open across my screen. And I know that people say don't link your readers out to other sites, they'll leave yours and not come back! Oh no!! But that's never been my style - never been my fear - I know you guys will stick with me when you're in the mood to and if something appeals to you you'll read it, share, come back, whatever works.

So, here's what's happening on my internet this week (and last week - as I'm really slow with the motivation these days).

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Let's talk books.

Whew.

I just avoided a panic attack when my Kindle decided not to cooperate with me.

I have over 300 items on that thing and to think about losing access to them (yes, I know, I don't read 300 things at once, and I do have access via Amazon, etc.) freaked me out. I was about to up my medication. For serious.

I'm an avid reader.

Admittedly, I've fallen behind since my mind just hasn't been looking for the worlds that books provide since losing my dad. It should realistically - or perhaps stereotypically - be the opposite, but it's not. I normally set myself a goal of 100 reads as the new year approaches. I'll do the same for 2014.

The last few years I maintained a list of books I read (thanks, Goodreads!) and I have one for this year, as well. It's shorter than it has been in the past, and I'll get a post up in January with a recap.

I also often do the link-up of my year in book titles. My life in books for 2012 proved to be an interesting batch. 2011 in books was fun, too. And my Reading with Redneck: 2010 in review was the first time I participated. Throughout those posts you'll find links to the complete lists of books I've read over the years. I haven't been great at updating for 2013, which is why that'll come along in January, too.

Right now I'd like to give you a peek at a handful of books from my to-read shelves for the coming year. I'm not including anything I'm due to review, because those are more given reads, and I'd like to just include what I think I'll be picking up and diving into. Or what I plan to read, anyway!

Join me?

The Interestings



The Goldfinch

The Theory of Opposites

Soy Sauce for Beginners

The Reason I Jump: The Inner Voice of a Thirteen Year Old Boy With Autism

The Book Thief

Wonder

So, that's my short list. I have loads more - for sure - I'm addicted to reading. I think it's a pretty great addiction to have, though. I will definitely be sharing more of my to-reads and wrap up 2013 by giving you some feedback on my favorite and least favorite reads. Just stick with me. I'm working my way back to my reading roots, promise!

Do you have one book that's on your MUST READ list for 2014? Share in my comments! I'd love to hear about it and add it to my Goodreads shelves.

* This post contains affiliate links. *

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Empty. Or Maybe Not.

There's not a lot going on upstairs for me today.

I'm just sort of staring at this window, the page, opening and closing other tabs around it. 

Girl Scout Cookies are done. 

Hallelujah. 

I still have a few final boxes to deliver. I'll get there, though.

Mud Run this weekend. 

Holy cow. Crap. Sh!t. 

THIS weekend. 

Yikes. 

I know, right? 

The other night bringing our dog Bella up I fell. I smash-landed right on my right knee. It hurt like HELLO. It's still slightly sore. But I plan to persevere and continue on. 

While covered in mud. 

Lordy. 

I'm not a mud person. 

I mean, I like sand between my toes and all. And even more when it's wet sand. 

But mud? 

Yeah. Nah.

I'm excited, though. It's one of my #lifelist items. I have to finish it, because I doubt I'm going to sign up for another one once I make it through this one. Or so I think. 

Wanna see the course deets? Go Dirty and check 'em out. I think it'll not just be an incredible thing for my body, but for my mind, as well. Despite all my "Yeah. Nah." vibes up over there. ^^

Also? And as - if not more - important than my own fitspiration goals? A part of the proceeds go to the National Breast Cancer Foundation. And that's important to me. Big time important.  

I'm participating in a 30 day workout "challenge" ... where my goal is to MOVE every day for 30 days. I'm also in a Spring into Fitness weight loss challenge. This one is really a challenge, with prizes and all. I've been a bit slack there. Mother nature and being female - easy place to lay the blame, right? 

I'm back on track now. I think. 

Danged spring-like weather and iced chai lattes beat me down, though. Even if I do opt for skinny ones. They're just my kryptonite. 

I guess I'm not as empty as I thought. My original post title. Empty. 

I think it might be not-so-empty instead. 

I have something else I want to pour out but I don't have the words right now. So I'll wait. 

Otherwise I'll write a bunch of crap and be like, wha? Why did I publish THAT?

I've had some hot posts lately, it's been kind of cool. I like to see people commenting because it makes me realize they're out there. I don't NEED comments, but I do. We all do. Even if we just blog for ourselves, as we all SAY we do ... 

Don't you smile when you see someone comment? Especially someone who you never would have expected knew you were out there? Or here? Wherever we are?

Yeah, you know you do. Me, too. 

Well, thanks for taking the ride with me today. I think I'll post now so I can feel accomplished for the - uhm - not morning. Damn. Where did that go? 

I think I still have time to toss some stuff into the crockpot for tonight's dinner. 

And to remind myself that if it isn't cooked in time it's the Benadryl's fault. The generic Rite Aid brand, though. But Benadryl has become like Kleenex. Although that's the worst one for me to use. I never ever SAY Kleenex. Even when that's mostly what I buy. I wonder if Kleenex needs a brand ambassador? I could SO rock that gig. 

Allergies? Check. Constant sinus infections? Check. Pets and dust sniffles? Yup. And a kid. I win!

Okay, peeps. Enough dawdling. Talk soon!

Oh, and if you haven't seen my latest vlog - where ya been? I talk about Mama's Comfort Camp with some of my peeps over at the Mama's Comfort Camp Birthday Celebration, so check out me and some of the most amazing women I know. Go on - you don't even have to come back here. It's all good. 

Peace out!

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Things I learned this week ...

Let's start off with I am still watching the AMAs. Yes. From Sunday night. It's Tuesday.

What of it? I can learn things over time. It's a good way to remember them better.

* I'm old.

That should be enough, shouldn't it? I suppose. But I can't help but add more to it.

* I'm not just old. I'm older than Justin Bieber's mother. (Thanks, Jamie! SO very much!)

* Pink still rocks. She doesn't just rock. She totally kicks ass. She's Pink, after all.

* Ryan Seacrest continues to be every.freakin.where. I stopped watching AI after Simon left, but it doesn't mean I don't get my fill of Ryan. I wonder how he has any time to spend with Julianne. After all, she's a rising star, is she not? or she was. I don't know anymore.

Switch to other entertaining news stories.

* Rico whatever-his-name-is who plays Manny on Modern Family? Has written a book. Like a book you can buy. My life has no meaning, really. I've been writing since I could hold a pencil in my hand and this kid has a book. A published book?

Let's go back to the AMAs for a sec, shall we? The Backstreet Boys are handing out an award!

BWAHAHAHAHAH! They're old. And I'm older. So, yeah. I shouldn't laugh.

* Did you hear that Biebs and Selena broke up? How could I only just find this out? They're the perfect couple, are they not? I mean, my daughter knows the girl from Wizards is Justin Beever's girlfriend. This is gonna break her tiny little five-year-old heart. Poor thing.

* People,  I could seriously be Justin Bieber's mother. For real.

* Maybe he's dating Carly Rae now? She just won her first AMA. Good for her. That song that shall not be named is still one of my ringtones. Actually, it's my "go get your kid off the bus" alarm tone, but that counts, too, right?

I should just have titled this the Bieber post. He's on the awards now. Singing. I still say he's twelve, but whatever.

OK, where was I?

The thing is, his music isn't THAT bad. And as much as I want to dislike him, he's a good kid. Or at least that's what Ellen tells me ... but she also loves JT, and now that he's Mr. Jessica Biel we don't see much of him anymore either. Who thinks THAT's going to last, eh? Right. Me, too. Sure.

Did you know that I am an entertainment news junkie? I totally am. I think in all the years I've been blogging I've mostly kept it out of my stuff, but today I'm stuck. Truly stuck in it.

Hey, did you vote for your fave DWTS couple yet? Time's running out. If you don't want your favorite couples to go home you need to vote. They make it crazy easy, there's even a facebook app, cause who doesn't have fb these days, right?

I find myself voting against the professionals I don't like, honestly. I'm not a Karina fan. So as much as I try to root for Apollo, I'm not sure I can. Besides, Kelly aka Sam and ValC? They're SO a couple in real life, aren't they? I mean, you can tell, right? How they look at each other? And she's SAM. So #GH represent!

Bieber is still singing, people. This is the longest performance of all time.

Today I entertained myself for a bit while reading/skimming Suri's Burn Book. I laughed so hard a few times tears slipped out. I might have even peed a little. I'm old, remember?

Who the heck is he singing with now? She looks like Nicki Minaj with dark hair, so I know that can't be her, right?

Oh, and back to useless reality show people, somebody really needs to boot Mario Lopez and that Kardashian sister off of The X Factor. Come on, Simon, you HAVE to know what a waste of airtime that is. We could be enjoying the performances. And speaking of, Demi, sweet, sweet Demi. Please stop. Whatever you are doing to your contestants is just awful. Britney is lucky her kids have so much freakin' talent, or you both would be booted off so quickly, for realz.

OK, I'm done. I'm waiting to go all Gangnam Style since I saw a clip earlier and MC Hammer is cameo-ing. Rock on, my friends. Rock on.

omg - WAIT! STOP THE PRESSES!!!

XTINA IS PERFORMING! What the what? She looks kind of beautiful. Who is this girl? I mean, yeah, there are the infamous boobs we see 2x/week on The Voice, but her hair (I'm sure it's fake, but it's the effort that counts here, friends) is blonde, without a variety of dipped colors. She was totally channeling Demi for a while there. Oh, wait, never you mind. She changed her clothes. Now we see the fake tan. Ah. Sigh. Peace out friends. Also? Her voice still kind of rocks. I just wish she would stop calling herself Xtina. Team Xtina is for Twitter. Not for real words. CeeLo, Adam (yum, Adam) or Blake should tell you that if they consider themselves true friends. *smh*

p.s. If you missed me yesterday you can totally catch up on my life anyway. I was over at my friend Tricia's place. She can be found at Southern Spark and I was chatting about blogging, buns and boogers ... so to speak. So go check it out, wouldja?

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When I let myself think.

Sometimes I just lack ideas.

I try to brainstorm and my mind freezes. Which reminds me that the cup of coffee I was letting cool down so I could ice it? Probably lukewarm by now.

Be right back ...

There we go. It's a damp and rainy morning, and I think I'll make something in the crockpot for dinner. But my point was I should have opted for hot coffee instead of iced today, but yesterday was nicer and I iced some which got me back in an iced coffee kind of mood.

Which is also impacted by the horrible problem of Amazon Prime not getting me my coffee. A few days late is one thing, but we're closing in on a week here, which is unusual. I was blaming it on Sandy, because, let's face it - that's probably what it's from. And then I do that and think to myself, what a problem I have. I'm running out of coffee when people back in New York - my home state - city - home - have no power to even begin to plug in their coffee makers. Is coffeemaker one word or two? Looks right either way, no?

Please know that I was being sarcastic with the use of "horrible problem" up there. It's so totally not.

I'm all over the place these days, so this post will be kind of like a word association. Free flowing thought. I do that often, but this weekend I tried to start posts on Saturday and Sunday and they just didn't come. It's cool, though, because this is MY space and I can do whatever (within reason) I'd like here.

And I say within reason because things that go public are important and I have respect for myself and my family and so I'd be ridiculous to go extremely overboard, ya know?

There have been so many things happening in our world of late. Between the election and the hurricane, the loss of lives and so much. The people who are still in need of help. Power. Any sign that they might someday return to a normal way of life.

How does that happen?

I mean, I know we as a country experienced Katrina. And it was AWFUL. But I wasn't seeing it as first-hand. I hate to say it hits closer to home now, but it does. It does because New York is in my blood. And the loss might be the same, but I know the places this time. Same as someone from New Orleans would have felt after Katrina, right?

What's sad is that I am sure that so many there are still suffering, still working to find their way back. And that's years of time gone by.

What will New York look like when I go home again?

Where my parents and family live not much was physically affected, thank G-d. But so many areas nearby, hit so hard. Why am I not doing more? What more CAN I do?

I'm a mother. A wife. Can I just run up there and help hands on? I would if I could - isn't that what everyone thinks? So we send things. Money. Items. Support. Spread the word.

I'm going to ultimately try to do that here with loads of links and see if that makes me feel like I made a move. Did SOMEthing. (It'll be a separate post. I don't want it to get lost in my mind's ramblings here.)

So much to think about. So much color lost in the lives of so many.

I've taken to trying to add some pictures to my posts, and the only one I can think of to add right now is a beautiful spot of color in an otherwise dreary day.

Color and beauty with hopes to take flight.

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Reflections of Motherhood

My daughter is five.

It's no secret that five can be a rough year. We're only a few months in. Honestly, we're only a month in and a few days change.

And the last 2-3 days have been completely horrendous.

Awful.

Bringing on the tears.

For us both.

Last night she stood at the foot of my bed, after staying in our room a little bit late to watch Too Cute. One of those adorable Animal Planet shows on cute cats. We love them. She loves them. And then.

She stood there and asked if I'd walk her to her room. Yes. I will. I motioned to shut down what I was working on/looking at and whack. Yes. Sound effects are needed. Whack. She somehow managed to smack me in the side of my face with my husband's belt.

What the heck?

That's what I said. What the heck. I had a lot of other words at the ready. But she's five - remember? I couldn't let them fly. I wouldn't.

So as tears sprung into my eyes I asked her to go to her room. Mommy needs a minute.

And I went into the bathroom, turned on the fan, sat on the toilet and started bawling.

Bawling.

Me. The mom. Exhausted and spent.

I knew it wasn't on purpose. It wasn't. It was totally an accident. And if she had been swinging the belt and not hit me I would have said something like - you know Daddy's belt is not a toy. Put it down. Away. Stop it.

I didn't have the chance.

And I wasn't crying because of the pain. Though it hurt like a sonofagun, believe you me.

I was crying from exhaustion. Because yesterday at Target we were those parents. The ones you look at in sympathy. If you're nice, anyway. Because the ones that stare and are in awe? Well, obviously never had a five year old plant their feet and flash their attitudes outside in public. And the night before last? We were the parents who had our child sass talk and give all sorts of attitude and then not allow us in her room to the point that we had to physically move her - away from her door - away from hurting herself. The backwards hug, I eventually explained as she calmed down. Remind me sometime to talk about it. It's truly an incredible thing. I'm sure many moms and dads do it, but teaching it to your kid as a backwards hug to keep them safe really works.

We are not a spanking family. We choose not to be. And I chose to introduce my child to the concept (again, just the concept) of what some family's do as discipline in their homes. I explained - "Mommy and Daddy do not do this to you, but some children who act as you do get spanked on their bottoms."

I was exhausted. Spent.

And am.

We got ourselves together to go for a late breakfast just now. We were dressed. Shoes on. Even her cute little purse was ready.

And she would not move forward. She would not listen to my husband. She would not get past the point of focus she had. We tried nicely. We asked. We ordered. We stated. And then I turned around and said, We're not going.

She lost it. Yet again.

Sometimes it's all we have. To take away the things that they are moving towards. The things that are theirs. The things that mean something. And yes, it messes up our plans. Our day. Our sights set on a fun batch of errands as a family. One of the two days my husband is home during the week. We hate that. Hate that it is ruined. But what are we to do?

I remind her. Mommy loves you. Mommy always loves you. Mommy is just disappointed in your behaviors and doesn't like you very much right now.

You always love me?

Yes. ... Yes is what I say as I walk into the other room with tears in my eyes.

Motherhood. Parenting. It can be full of the greatest joys. But it can also be so rough. Scratchy. Heart-hurting. We all get through it. We all relate. But man. Some days I wish the rough spells would dissolve more quickly. Because if this is what it is like at age 5? What the hell will 15 look like?

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