Eleven Years.

Eleven years. 

How is that even possible?

Eleven years.

The math doesn't work. 

It only makes me angry.

Sad.

Hurt. 

Heartbroken. 

Eleven years. 

Without you. 

Momma is with you now. 

You are whole again. 

Complete.

I'm still angry. 

Sad.

Hurt. 

Heartbroken.

Eleven years. 

Can feel like forever. 

And then forever times two.

When she's gone, as well. 

It's not supposed to be this way. 

I'm supposed to have you both. 

Here. 

With me. 

To lean on and into. 

To laugh with. 

To hold me when I cry. 

Eleven years. 

Feels like a lifetime.

Without someone who was so very much of your world. 

I miss you, Daddy. 

Love you always. 

And forever.

Tweet

It's Still Your Birthday

Happy birthday, Momma.

You're not here, but it's still your birthday.

I don't quite understand how we got here.

To this day. 

Without you. 

My heart hurts. 

I look at the calendar. 

I don't believe it.

Six months. 

You've been gone that long. 

And it doesn't feel real. 

And yet. 

It is. 

But. 

It's still your birthday.

So I celebrate you today. 

I'm not sure how I'll do that just yet. 

I just know you deserve it. 

The cake, balloons, fruit baskets.

Surprise presents that make you smile. 

It's still your birthday, Momma.

Even though you're not here to celebrate. 

I'll forever honor you on this day. 

I'll forever sing to you. 

And I'll forever miss you. 

With love, from me and my broken heart. 

Your *Million Dollar Baby*.

I love you. 

Tweet

Passover 2024

Passover hasn't been the same for my family in years. A decade - to be exact. 

This year is even more difficult. I don't host a Seder. I don't attend one. But still, I miss the ones we grew up with. The ones where my father sat at the head of the table and he and my mother maneuvered around the kitchen throughout the night - serving and plating - and welcoming. 

Over the years so very many of our friends and loved ones attended Seder at my parents' home. Having a dad who could make most anything from scratch meant we never went elsewhere. A dad who cooked so well that other people bought his food for their holidays (it wasn't his store but we know who did the work!).

And though my dad did most of the cooking (minus the pot roast or chicken - cutlets or barbecue), my mom did everything else. And I do mean everything. 

Not having her here to reminisce with hurts something awful this year. To laugh and cry with. To send pics of matzo balls and ask if they looked even close to my dad's. 

My heart hurts and my memories help me grieve and heal, and I watch as another holiday comes and goes.

Happy Passover to those who celebrate. 

May yours be blessed, may our hostages be returned home safely, and may we each witness the strength of the Jewish people as the days go on.

Zeissen Pesach.

Tweet

I Will Always Remember

Always so much to say, and never enough, never the perfect words. All these years later my eyes still fill with tears. 

I hear the voices of the people I love, reacting to my telling them I was safe, or learning that they were. Me telling their loved ones for them. 

I hear yelling in the street as we left our offices. 

I remember the smell as soon as we stepped outside.

I see the bluest of skies and hear the sirens before I knew.

I remember the shoes I wore that brought me across nearly an entire city. 

The hug goodbye with a friend as we went our separate ways after walking together for hours.

I hear the silence. And then the sound of the subways running again.

I feel my body collapsing into bed as I looked out my window at a skyline forever changed.

We'll never forget. We'll always remember. Those lost. Those who gave of themselves to save others. 

May those who lost their lives that day, and in the days and years after, be remembered always. May their memories forever be a blessing. 💗

Tweet

The Echo of What Was.

I came up with the title of this post a few weeks ago.

Before the new year began.

I was talking to a friend and we were discussing certain aspects of our lives.

We spoke of history. Or, I should say, her-story.

We spoke of today. The current day. The days that pass by so quickly, and yet, so not.

We spoke of the combination of the two and how they make us who we are.

Honestly, maybe we didn't speak of all of that.

We talk daily and I tell her things, and she tells me things, and so it doesn't matter if it all happened in that same conversation - or if it was scattered over the course of hundreds of messages.

Tweet

Keep reading »

Feel All The Things.

Good day, internet friends, and happy holidays.

'Tis the season for love, laughter, baking, drinking, eating, happiness! And, of course, decorating alllll the things.

But it is also the season for pain. Grief. Loss. Reminders.

And. Of course. Tears.

Allow yourself these tears.

Whether you realize it or not, you need them.

Tears are a catharsis of sorts for the body.

I'm not a doctor and I don't play one on TV, but I know that a good cry is healing for us all.

Tweet

Keep reading »

Making Memories

I wrote this piece several years ago to be published somewhere else, but today, today I need to share these same words. I'm lacking anything more - I'm missing my father as today it is six years to the day that he left us, and it hurts as if it were mere moments ago. 

Last year I shared why October hurts so much.

Six years ago I shared the immediate pain, the instant grief, the heartache. And then I talked about this very experience, the one I share below.

Tweet

Keep reading »

It Doesn't Matter.

It doesn't matter how many years have gone by.

It doesn't matter how some memories have faded.

For those of us who have walked that walk.

For those of us who have seen those skies.

We remember. 

We never forget. 

====

Tweet

Keep reading »

Ch-ch-changes.

There's only so much in one person's life that remains consistent.

There's only so much in one person's life that remains exactly the same all the time.

Yes. Those two sentences mean the same thing.

Kinda sorta.

Consistent does not necessarily mean exactly the same, although in some definitions you'll find that it means "the same way all the time" and in others it means, well, not exactly the same but similarly.

/shrug/

Life has ups and downs (and overs and outs) and we all go along for the ride.

Many a person has lost their life to these ups and downs.

Many a person has lost their will to face the downs, or the repeated cycle of up-down-up-down.

Me?

Not me.

I'm riding it to the end, my friends.

Tweet

Keep reading »

Ink.

It's no secret that Jewish people aren't supposed to get tattoos.

I know that.

You (might) know that.

And I'll admit it.

I thought that I would observe that.

Follow that belief. Law? Tradition. Rule?

I thought I'd adhere to it for my entire life.

And yet, I sometimes thought, what would I get if I ever DID change my mind?

What would I do - what sort of marking would I want on my body for-permanently-ever?

I don't know.

Tweet

Keep reading »

Emotions.

Emotions are tricky, aren't they?

We go through days.

Moments.

Feel as though we're flying high.

On top of the world.

We rely on others.

Feed off of them.

Our emotions often echo those of the people around us.

Tweet

Keep reading »

Coffee.

Coffee coffee coffee.

I kind of want to leave my post at that.

And I also think I may try to stick with one word titles this entire month.

I am AWFUL at post titles.

In general, I just don't come up with exciting ones.

Coffeeismylife.

It's not really, but this morning, with the weird time change, and wait, it's actually this afternoon, but that's not even because of the time change because it would still have been the afternoon when I'm writing this, anyway - coffee.

I live and breathe it in the mornings.

Tweet

Keep reading »

Fall = Football, Y'all

image courtesy of pixabay

It finally feels like fall in North Carolina.

Hurricane Michael has come and gone, and somehow left a bit of crisp air in its wake.

I'm catching up on my DVR, and although I know it's Saturday, my body, mind, and my TV make me feel like it's Sunday.

Because all I'm seeing.

On all the channels?

Is game after game.

Is football.

Tweet

Keep reading »

Another October

Let me tell you what it feels like.

To be so so ready for fall.

Let me tell you what it feels like.

To know that at the end of this month I'll turn another year older. 

What it feels like.

Knowing that before that.

Before then.

I'll face the anniversary of the worst day I've ever lived through.

Let me tell you what it feels like.

Tweet

Keep reading »

No Mud. No Lotus.

There are many things I thought I'd experience in my life.

Divorce is certainly not one of them.

No one goes into a marriage with expectations of divorce.

People experience many things.

Cold feet.

Nerves.

Jitters.

Excitement.

Me?

I had butterflies in my stomach on my wedding day.

Butterflies as I experienced one of the biggest moments of my life.

I was surrounded by family and friends.

I was in love. I was loved.

I wasn't young. I waited. I found the right person.

I knew what I wanted.

I knew when I said yes.

I can see myself - feel what I was feeling.

I had a good life.

A wonderful life.

And then.

I became a mom.

And life changed some.

Parents. We were parents. We are parents.

Those moments - I'll remember them always.

Looking into the eyes of my person.

The person who experienced this shift in their life at the exact moment I did.

The person who held my hand as we three made ourselves a family.

Made ourselves a home.

The person who held my hand through the mud.

And then.

We experienced so very much.

Loss. Grief. Pain.

Laughter. Love. Joy. Happiness.

These things cycled throughout our lives.

Parenting. Motherhood. Fatherhood.

Exhaustion. Emotion. Frustration.

Work. Friendships. Relationships.

And then.

A decade and some later.

Life changed some more.

Our hands slipped from one another.

We loosened our grasp. 

We didn't know the plan.

It mattered not.

For it is not always for us to know.

Because if we did - what steps would we have taken?

What challenges would we have allowed ourselves to face?

What pain? What losses? What anger and hurt?

And so, instead we found the moments.

We find the moments.

We stop - we think - we take notice.

Do we ever expect the mud to surround us?

Even in the deepest of floods we don't anticipate that it may swallow us whole.

And when it does we don't always think we'll find our way out.

But we will.

We always do.

Our story isn't over yet.

We're strong.

We live through.

Persevere.

We grow.

We thrive.

We prosper.

We flourish.

No mud.

No lotus.

Tweet

Twenty-two Years

Today is a very difficult anniversary for my family. It's a day we experienced a double-dose of loss over the years. And so, finding the words isn't always easy.

I've tried before. Shared my January Reflections. Repeatedly.

But tonight, before I tuck myself and my kiddo into bed, I'll be borrowing some that I used last year, and yes, admittedly, a few from the year before and adding a bit to them as I continue to grow in my grief.

My grandmother left us 22 years ago today. Twenty-two years. How is that even possible?

It's a lifetime. And yet, I had barely lived so much of my own life. Barely seen the world. Barely knew what the future would hold.

But I knew love.

I knew love because my family showed it to me. Showed me heart. Showed me just how important connection was and would always be. Showed me how to take care of those I loved. How to show up. How to be there, even when they barely knew we were. And how to hold on. My father was the strongest example of this you'd ever see.

I remember the second I found out she was gone. Remember it like it was moments ago. Losing someone who loved you with their entire heart - unconditionally - is a loss like no other.

Since that day my family has experienced more loss. More pain. More sadness. And my only solace is that they're together again. My father, his parents, his sister. A family unit that traveled the world to create a new life for themselves. A life unlike what they would have experienced had they stayed. A life that led to my own. Such a blessing that they made that trek. Such history there that I hold onto - even when some of the pieces are missing.

I love and miss them so. Parts of my incredible family together again. And me, us, their loved ones ... here, carrying them in our hearts always. I hope they are listening, on this beautiful and peaceful snowy day, and that they hear me as I whisper softly to them ... I love you.

If you'd like to find out more about my grandmother, I'd love if you'd head over to this post I wrote oh-so-many-years-ago: What I Remember.

And if you have a family member you've lost and would like to take a moment to honor and recognize, I hope you'll do just that in the comments. Say their name. Let me know who they are to you. Let me share in your memories and moments, as you have here in mine.

Tweet

I Should Be Asleep But My Mind Won't Let Me

Image from Pexels

I'm not asleep.

I know. You already knew that.

Why introduce this post with such a simple, unnecessary statement?

I don't know. But here it is again.

I'm not asleep.

But my child is, and that's what matters most.

For the moment.

I'm sitting here like I'm 90 years old.

I literally just put some Icy Hot on my left knee.

I have no idea what the heck is wrong with it, but I probably slept funny.

And of course, I have an actual occasion this coming weekend and might even dance a step or two - and NOW I'm walking around smelling like my dad after he played ball all weekend.

Actually, he used Ben Gay more than Icy Hot - but it still makes me think of him.

Maybe that's why I'm still awake.

Tweet

Keep reading »

Figuring Things Out

I'm still not quite sure where I stand.

I'm finding my way.

Figuring things out.

It's so so very difficult.

My emotions bubble to the surface.

I feel them. Fight them. Let them rise. Allow them to overflow.

All the while - figuring things out.

I don't quite know what the rest of this year will bring.

Tweet

Keep reading »

Reminiscing. Living. Questioning.

I spent a lot of time today reminiscing.

When you're a blogger you have an archive of many years of your life.

And if you're like me - maybe even memories written up of the years before that.

So so many memories.

So so many moments that I wouldn't change for the world.

Even though now, today, in this moment, I see that my world has changed so much.

I'm lucky to have had moments I've wanted to remember - even though right now I'm okay with forgetting.

Does that make sense?

Tweet

Keep reading »

Sitting In The Stillness

My goodness.

This.

Someone said this today.

And in reading it I found the exact words I needed.

Maybe she said sit, but still ... (pun not intended).

That's it.

That's where my life has changed so.

There have been so many firsts.

So many things I'm experiencing all on my own.

But this. This is it.

Sitting in the stillness.

Tweet

Keep reading »