Inspiration in the Darkness

So.

I did a January Whole30 and I felt good. And then I let February take hold and run me into the ground. I'm back to being the over-emotional me of 2017.

I have done six rounds of Whole30.

Six of them.

I lost a substantial amount of weight, I felt great, and I established a new kind of relationship with food.

And then something changed in my life. Something pretty damned huge.

My life. It's different now.

I experienced so many firsts, and I am still finding new things to experience.

Moments without. Moments with.

I am finding my way.

Making marks in ways I've never expected. Never thought I'd need or want to.

I'm sifting through the ashes. Finding the remains. Piecing them together with all that is new.

Pushing through the mud. Finding growth.

No mud. No lotus.

I'm allowing my scars to heal. Allowing new ones to surface. I'm not covering them up. Not right away. I need to confront them. I need to see them. I need to feel them.

But as I do I'm reminding myself. Inhale. Exhale.

I'm allowing myself to breathe.

We all need to breathe.

I'm watching the seasons change. Recognizing that nearly an entire year has gone by.

I'm looking for inspiration in the darkness.

And sometimes I find it.

Why Melissa Hartwig Inspires Me

If you've ever done a Whole30 you've heard of Melissa Hartwig. 

She's one of the founders and she's one of the people I enjoy following on Instagram. Not just because she's an author. A creator. But because she is real. She's human. And she speaks to us, her fans and followers, as if we're equals.

I know. I know.

We are. We're all human. We are equals.

But seriously, this woman is a fierce fit machine. And in spite of that - from someone who has not found themselves on that path at this point in their life - if ever - I still watch and learn. Absorb. And appreciate that she keeps it so damned real.

If you follow me on Instagram you know that's a hashtag I use often when it comes to selfies and motherhood. #keepinitreal is who I am. Or at least who I try to be. I don't do this for sympathy. I do it for reality. 

And today, well, yesterday, really, I was struggling. I was beating myself up, because after six rounds of Whole30 I felt that I should have had a handle on it in a way that I wouldn't look at myself in the mirror and ask what the hell happened. 

But that's what I do. 

And I know what happened. 

And I don't like to lay the blame on anyone but myself. And yet, sometimes, some days, some ways, I do. Because I didn't ask to fall off this positive path. I didn't ask to find myself knocked down several pegs. I didn't ask for this.

And so. I get angry. I get frustrated. But through it all I stay real. I stay true to who I am.

I almost decided to share Melissa's post on FB today, but then realized this deserved an entire blog post. And I hope it's okay to do this and embed her Instagram post in here - because damn, friends, it's so important. Any of you - all of you - who are trying something new and feeling like you're failing. Or trying something old, again, and hating yourself for not being perfect at whatever it is already. 

This. Melissa Hartwig wrote this for you. 

Re: my last #myfoodfreedom post, where I said it's taken me 7 years to arrive at this place of effortless balance: I occasionally hear people suggest if you need 6 Whole30s or you're still struggling 5 years later, you're doing it wrong. That if you can't "fix" your relationship with food faster than this, without the support or help of multiple Whole30s, you're going about it in the wrong way. • Had I entered myself into a food rehab facility, where all life stressors were removed and my only job was to work on changing my habits and healing my emotional relationship with food, I might agree. But let me explain what ELSE I was working on over that 7 year period, along with my Food Freedom: • Quitting my job to start my own business. Getting married. Discovering major issues. Spending years in therapy trying to make the marriage work. Digging into trauma from sexual abuse and drug addiction during said therapy sessions. Writing a book. Getting pregnant. Leaving home at 7 months pregnant. Returning. Having a baby. Writing another book. Doing a very public book tour side-by-side while filing for divorce. Divorcing. Going through a prolonged business split. Rebuilding myself from the ground up while figuring out how to be a single mom, run my business, and write two more books. • While simultaneously trying to create a healthy relationship with the ONE thing I used to rely on the most for comfort, as reward, to relieve anxiety, and to show myself love. So yeah, it took me 7 years. • If it takes you 9 Whole30s or 19 years to finally find YOUR Food Freedom balance, do not despair, because it's not like it's the only thing you've got going on. Keep working on it daily, diligently. Don't give up, because you choose your hard, and the other hard really wasn't working for you. Don't treat the Whole30 like a yo-yo, because that's not the path to Food Freedom. Go do some therapy, because that’s often necessary too. But if you're working it, really working it, even if all you can do is make one small effort on the toughest of days... don't let anyone tell you that you're not "doing it right." • #myfoodfreedom #whole30FFF #melissarants #melissaexplains7years @whole30

A post shared by Melissa Hartwig (@melissa_hartwig) on Feb 19, 2018 at 4:47pm PST

I wrote this entire post yesterday. Tuesday. February 20th.

Today I had my annual physical. I always spend the day before (who am I kidding, days, more likely) in slight trepidation. I love my doctor. I mean it, I do. She's never made me feel like crap. She's listened to me cry. She's supported me through a lot of stuff. And today was no exception.

And yet. I'm still concerned. Worried. About disappointing her. And, more importantly, myself.

So today I met with the student who was shadowing her first.

Am I the only one who does that?

It is always a great experience, except for that one time when the guy was a little - well, he was a GUY - and he was like a teenager and really cute. But that's okay. I survived.

Anyway, remember that students need to learn, too. If you've not been there you may not want to put yourself out there in this way. You might feel like a guinea pig. You're not. You're getting quality treatment from someone who is currently being supervised by your doctor and if you're not trusting your doctor to do that then how do you trust him/her to treat YOU?

Okay, and so I rambled.

Go figure.

Anyway, my doctor and her student supported me today as I discussed the year gone by, and I spoke about my plans for the coming months. My agenda. My goals. My focus.

And because of the inspiration I found yesterday - that which I shared here - I was able to truly speak from the heart and MEAN IT. I meant EVERY WORD. Every single word.

I'm inspired. It's a sunshine-filled day today, y'all. Thanks for riding it out with me. Let's ride the wave to better days together, shall we? Race you to the starting line ...

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This is 44.

Yes. I'm 44.

It's been a few days, but I was traveling on my birthday so I think you'll excuse the delay.

So. Forty-four.

Forty-four years of life.

Forty-four years of so much stuff.

This year - this year from forty-three to forty-four has been an interesting one.

When I turned forty-three I reflected back on many of the years gone by.

When I turned forty-three I thought about all the things that could still happen. All the things I could still do.

Right now I'm working. I'm working really hard.

I'm fulfilling a dream I had almost two decades ago. One that I held onto and decided I'd make happen. One that I went to school for. Completed internships for. Studied my ass off for.

One that I took exams for. Looked deep inside myself for.

And right now? I'm doing it.

I've been doing it for quite a while, if I'm being honest. I've been a licensed social worker for a really long time. My MSW degree doesn't collect dust on a shelf (although the actual piece of paper is hidden away in a drawer somewhere, for certain). My LCSW exam was not for naught.

I'm helping people.

And over the years I have shifted and adjusted to what I needed to do. What I needed to work on.

In all honesty? Things were slow for a while for me. Maybe about a year? And so I took on some outside work and got into a whole lot of other stuff. And I loved it. And I still love it. I do.

But feeling the way I feel when I work with clients? Being true to who I am and what I want to do? There's little like it.

So I encourage you - grab the brass ring. Do whatever it is you're interested in doing. There's no time like the present and all that goes with it. All the possible clichés that exist? Do 'em! Go for it! Just do it! You do you!

Because it's a pretty damned good feeling when you do.

* And I am totally cutting this post short, which is interesting, since it's kinda long already - because it's 9:01 pm and day 3 of NaBloPoMo and I don't want to fail already!! *

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Why I Take So Many Selfies

A friend of mine posted something on Facebook today that struck me as extremely interesting.

She asked what people think when they see an Instagram account and the majority of the pictures shared are selfies.

The responses were staggering - to me.

I'm a self-proclaimed selfie queen. If you don't know me well enough, I'll explain, and if you do know me well enough, well - here's more of me.

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Finding Fitness Fridays.

Aren't you excited? If you're already following me on Instagram or friends with me on Facebook then you know I'm on a journey right now.

I used to post about fitness regularly on my blog. I tried to focus on my positives and these motivating and inspiring images I found on Pinterest. But y'all can see how well that turned out. I pretty much stopped.

But right now? There's no stopping me.

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Guest Post: Diane, Picking My Battles

I was truly lucky to meet Diane back in the summer of 2012. We crossed paths on Twitter while attending BlogHer that year. And then we met, briefly. And met again for about a minute. But somehow we connected in a way that established an instant friendship. How that happened in a handful of minutes - I'm not quite sure. I'm just going to say I'm truly glad it did and leave it at that. 

I'd like to introduce you to Diane and encourage you to take a few moments to see what she has to say. It's important, and I'm honored that she decided to share this here. 

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A Peek at My YouTube History.

Hey, all.

I'm "off" today, so I'm going to share some of my favorite songs and videos with you for my post.

So stay with me ... please?

I promise you're going to enjoy them. It's a nice easy way to spend the next few minutes, even if you just click on one of them.

So, what's first?

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Happy 10th Anniversary, Postpartum Progress!

I don't really remember the first time I was led to Postpartum Progress. 

I just know I eventually found myself there. 

I found myself reading and reading and reading. 

I was stuck. Absorbed in the words. The posts. 

I couldn't believe it. There was this place online that actually "got" it. This woman who knew what postpartum mental health was all about. 

And people were reading her. And commenting. And reading again. And sharing. Maybe it was a share that led me to Katherine. Maybe it was a tweet. I don't know. But that's okay. I don't have to know or fully remember. I just know remember realizing she was out there.

And that there were all these women out there finding the support that they needed? 

AMAZING.

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Macy's Welcomes Clinton Kelly!

* I am a member of the Everywhere Society and Everywhere has provided me with compensation with this post for the Macy's Martha Stewart event. However, as always, all thoughts and opinions expressed herein are my own. *

Y'all - I got to see Clinton Kelly up close!!!

I attended a recent event of his over at Macy's and was lucky enough to be there as media and sitting in the front row. 

It was really a lot of fun, and I absolutely adore him. There were so many things that he said that were so important that I found myself emailing notes to myself so I wouldn't forget them. No worries, I'll be sharing them with you shortly. 

First, have a look at Clinton.  

How cute is he, right? He totally walked out, started talking and made the entire audience feel at ease. It was if we were old friends. He's hilarious, entertaining and real. He never once made me feel like I wasn't cool enough to be at a fashion show!

One of his first and most important points of the night was advice for us all. 

Now, onto the fashion. There were several rounds of outfits for the six models participating. Each "round" had a style appropriate for the youthful model, the curvier model and the mature model. 

Even Clinton didn't love the word mature, but it was hard to say the over-50s crowd or something like that, because it just sort of came out wrong that way. 

One of the first things I fell in love with at this event was a pair of shoes. 

Sometimes you just have to rock an amazing shoe. 

Now, you may not know me well enough to know that I'm all about accessories. Give me a handbag and I'll love you forever. I also love a striking pair of shoes. I don't usually find them in my size, or my need for comfort, but I still enjoy looking at a beautiful design. 

The first outfit our young model was wearing was really put together, and relaxed. Except for the shoes. The shoes aren't relaxed at all. They're stylish and classy. 

And Clinton spent a lot of time talking with one of the attendees of the event about her personal style and what she was wearing, and explained the importance of a little height in the heel when you're wearing a short pant like the ones shown here. He explained aspects of proportion and how when you look longer you look thinner - which makes sense, of course. * Note to self, start wearing a wedge or something more than flip flops when going out. It'll give you some length that you need at 5' 2-1/2" tall. *

I've compiled a few pictures together here to showcase more of the outfits. If I didn't I'd have a post filled with just pictures ... which could work but isn't my style (get it?).

This dress below was possibly one of Clinton's favorite pieces of the night. It's in the collage above, but worth a closer look. He was really clear that you have to be able to pull it off before you can even consider wearing it, and that was pretty visible right away when you look at this beautiful model wearing it. The dress is really pretty and colorful, and the flowers against the white are a perfect contrast. 

And lastly, some of my favorite outfits of the evening. 

This dress is my absolute favorite. It helps that it's for the curvy girl, which, as you know, I am. I just love how the bottom part falls on the model and how the top of it is perfectly fitted. I'd imagine I'd need a lot of tailoring to get a dress to look that perfect on me, but I learned from Clinton on Rachael Ray the other day that you can take $30 and a tailor can pretty much revamp a piece of clothing to fit you perfectly in a blink. Something to consider. 

I also really loved the white outfits that were modeled. The curvy woman in the long picture of this collage looks beautiful. I'd love that outfit and would buy it immediately. The tall blonde woman in the short-shorts? I couldn't pull that off, but she looks really cute. And Clinton shared a warning about cross-body bags for those of us with larger busts. He advised that we be wary of them because they "separate the girls," and he also shared some words of wisdom for those who tend to opt for showing a lot of skin. "If you do a short short, don't show a lot of skin on top. It looks like you're trying too hard." Wise advice. 

And I love the fitted dress with splashes of color on the "mature" model. It looks amazing on her. I don't know if I could wear something like that - but he's made me want to try. 

And so, here's me. 

I'm not quite smiling, but I dressed up for the occasion, so that has to count for something, right? And I felt really good in this dress. I haven't worn it in years, but pulling it out and sliding it on? Felt great. I felt pretty. Oh! And Clinton didn't look at my shoes, which were probably too comfortable and flat for what I was wearing, but sometimes I've just got to go with what I have on-hand and make it work. 

In the meantime, he left us with a load of advice that I really hope sticks. For me and for other women out there who might not take a moment to think of things like this. 

Amen to that, Clinton. Amen. 

* I am a member of the Everywhere Society and Everywhere has provided me with compensation with this post for the Macy's Martha Stewart event. However, as always, all thoughts and opinions expressed herein are my own. *

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Amazing Reads. The 3/2 Edition.

Good morning, friends. How's everyone doing?

This is me this morning. As in right now.

 I'm feeling a cold. I'm sipping on hot tea. I've got water and Zicam-like tablets in front of me, at the ready. And I'm catching up on my reading.

My head is crazy clogged and I need a suction of sorts done on my sinuses.

But I'm here for you. Isn't that amazing of me? * hahahah. I'm funny, aren't I?

Anyway - an hour or so later - and I'm back. Didja miss me?

Here are a few of the incredible things I read this week. Or this morning. Or both.

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Amazing Reads. 2/21 Edition.

I'm kind of behind with my Amazing Reads posts again. It does't help that I have a handful of tabs open with posts I've yet to actually read but know that I'm going to be sharing anyway. That's weird, isn't it? And so - here I am - - sharing what's happening around the Interwebz of late. 

My beautiful friend Erin says everything in this post here about her inner critic. My G-d, how I hate to read them, but I know so many people - myself included - who have those critics, those voices, and I want to SHUT THEM ALL UP. 

One of the most important thinsg Erin mentions in her post is her hope that her daughters never hear the voice of this kind of inner critic. Oh, how I know. I so so SO know. Please go offer some love and understanding. 

Over at Splitting Infinitives, Sarah shares A Farewell to Grief. It took me weeks to find the strength to actually read it, but I am glad that I did. She talks about having lost her mom five years ago, and the stages of grief she has passed through - along with where she is now. 

This post by Aliza Worthington over at Purple Clover is an open account of her initial reaction to starting antidepressants. Her understanding now is one that I think many need to see. So if you're hovering and think you need meds and you're afraid or anxious or just don't think that you are someone who needs to even think about this? Read her words. The Moody Blues: My Experience with Anti-depressants is worth reading, sharing, and reading again. 

I haven't had a chance to comment on this post over at Writer Mom's Blog yet, but her list of Twenty Things You Should Stop Saying to the Parents of ADHD Children is a great one. So many parents have children who are battling things we don't even know are there. The things that people say? OH MY GAWD. The things that people say. I shake my head. I'm amazed at the lack of tact, lack of caring, lack of heart and just plain ignorance people out there show with one simple sentence. Seriously. People. Stop and think. For just a minute. Not you - you're my friend, my reader, you get it - but some of the people out there? Stop. Think. And then DON'T say it. There are so many other things you could say. Seriously. I promise you won't regret thinking twice. 

 Now, on to my self-promotion. 

If you haven't entered yet and would like a chance at winning the new Sofia The First CD, enter today. 

And it's been a while since I've shared a Love Your Body kind of post around here. I really need to get back on track with fitness Sundays and motivation and inspiration and so on. And in doing some soul searching this afternoon I came across this post of mine from almost two years ago about standing tall. And so, I take a few minutes to reflect some. I soul search a little bit. And then, I remember. And I learn.

Oh, and it's really important that you stop by and check out this discussion on Facebook. Because the age old battle of FRIENDS vs. Seinfeld lives on. Which do you choose? Weigh in for me, would you?

Enjoy your weekend, everybody! Happy reading.

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I'm talking 'bout bums with Cottonelle ~ #spon

* This is a sponsored post that was written by me on behalf of Cottonelle. 

Tell me the truth, do you use your phone in the bathroom?

Come on, you can tell me.

I'll confess. I do it.

Only at home (I just can't be one of those people talking in the stall!) and only with people like my mom or my best friend, but I've definitely done it before.

And how many times have you found yourself talking through the bathroom door while on the toilet? Parents out there - I know you know what I'm saying. I recently explained to my daughter how when she was an infant I had to HOLD her in my arms while I went "potty"! So I know you. I AM you.

Now ... #LetsTalkBums

You won't discuss bathroom habits with people, but you totally find yourself talking TO people while going to the bathroom. And don't say you don't - because there's a study that shows more than 60% of us DO. So, if it's not you, who is it? 

But I get it. Nobody really likes to talk about the bathroom. Not unless it's related to our kids.

Think about it. We start when they're really young. As a mom it's a pretty easy topic to approach with other women. Sometimes we fall into the topic so quickly, we don't even realize we're doing it. But then when it comes to us, we might discuss digestive issues with our nearest and dearest, but bum-talk? Probably not happening. Honestly, many of us would rather suffer in silence than discuss anything with our doctors, let alone our friends. But why? What's so taboo about this topic that makes us shy away from it as we do?

Cottonelle would like to help us change the way we talk about our bums. Opening up and discussing this sort of thing will help us help each other.

I'm not sure what embarrasses us most about talking about our cleansing habits when it comes to the bathroom. I understand it's a private thing. I won't get into the debate of whether you use the bathroom in front of your significant other or anything - that's your choice. But I'd like to talk about keeping clean for a bit.

And speaking of ... I'm coming clean today. I'll admit that while I started off buying Cottonelle for my daughter I found myself using them. Repeatedly. And they work. Really.

You'll obviously need to try them for yourself to believe me, but I've found that it's a cleaner and fresher feeling than just using toilet paper alone. Cottonelle's Clean Routine is something you might find yourself implementing regularly - to your own surprise!

And Cottonelle Flushable Cleansing Cloths now come in a discreet and sleek newly designed dispenser. It's upright, so it can sit on your vanity and be completely out of the way. Mine fits right in the corner, easily accessible with relation to the location of my toilet.

I really love the dispenser. It makes using these so much easier, and is simpler when it comes to opening and, for lack of another word, dispensing the product. The old holder was flat and a bit bulky. It didn't stay put on the counter. This one is much easier to use, for sure.

See them both in my bathroom below!

Please excuse the poor lighting in my bathroom. 

Not sure exactly what happened there. 

Using cleansing cloths like these shouldn't seem that odd. It might at first, because you're not used to it, but once you start using them they'll start to feel like a part of your everyday routine. They even have an easy to carry On-The-Go soft pack (10 ct) that you can slip into your purse, backpack, or laptop bag. The perfect size for traveling, too.

Now, are you ready to check them out? And ready to talk bums? Head on over to Cottonelle's Facebook page to join the discussion today!

* Cottonelle wants to get you talking about your bum and on a better way to clean "down there" by using the Cottonelle Clean Routine. By combining the use of Cottonelle Toilet Paper and Cottonelle Flushable Cleaning Cloths, the Cottonelle Clean Routine is a revolutionary way to keep your bum clean. 

Are you ready? Don't be shy! Visit http://facebook.com/cottonelle to learn more about the Cottonelle Clean Routine and join the clean routine conversation. 

This is a sponsored post that was written by me on behalf of Cottonelle. All expressed opinions are my own after using these products that were provided to me. 

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Dusting off the shelves.

Hello ... hello ...

Echo ... echo ...

Hey, all. What's happening?

I've got to dust off the shelves in here and touch base with my peeps. I've been mia and mostly "official" when posting.

I took an incredible vacation with some friends last week. Friends from college. The ones I talk about in my 40 WHILE I'm 40 list of to-do-s.

It was on my list and I DID IT.

I went away for the annual Girls' Getaway. This was year #9. I've made it to three. That's not a good ratio of weekends away, is it? I made it to the first one. And then the last one I had been to was four years ago.

I hadn't seen some of the people I love the most in this world for FOUR YEARS. What the what? That's like an entire presidency.

This was the view on Friday. Beach view. Umbrellas and beautiful water.

We rented umbrellas and chairs, too. It reminded me that I'm no spring chicken anymore. I prefer a nice lounge to laying on a towel in the sand. My friend went off to pick up towels for us, too. It's worth it to spend an extra $20 and NOT stick to the chairs, right? Sometimes you just have to stop counting your pennies.

And then the next day we did the rooftop pool. Ahh. Heaven. Here's me. Chillin'. Catchin' some rays. Enjoying the quiet. Breathing the ocean air.

I've been to Atlantic City before. I've dipped my toes into that water. But it had been a while. Coming back, post-Sandy, it felt nice. Nice to support New Jersey. Nice to leave a little bit of my money behind. *I'm no big gambler, but I tossed a few bucks into the slots. How can you go to AC and NOT? *Remember, penny counting? Not an option. I did it, but I tried not to. Being a grown-up has its advantages. And disadvantages.

We walked the Boardwalk. Bought some salt-water taffy. Ate some. Walked a few miles before breakfast one morning. Who WERE those people? Not the people from 20-something years ago, fo' sho'. We broke a sweat and enjoyed it.

We ate vegetable omelettes and french toast. Turkey bacon and iced coffee. We were grown-ups. Moms and not. We swam in our tankinis, one-pieces and bikinis. With SPFs of 15, 30, 40, 50 and 100. Yes. 100. We wore floppy hats, baseball caps and hid under umbrellas.

We danced like we were teenagers again. Each one of us in our early 40s.

We listened, laughed and reminisced to music of the 70s, 80s (all before we knew one another) and flashed back into the 90s - picturing those many nights on the dance floor.

We laughed, remembered, cried and let it all out.

We spent our days and nights with those who knew us best.

Eventually it had to end. We did have to say goodbye. But it didn't matter. It didn't hurt. We knew.

We KNOW.

We'll find our way back to one another again in a year or so. Or for some it might take longer, but that won't matter. Because we know.

We know that no matter how many days, weeks, months, years it takes we will reconnect and maintain the connection we've always had.

Having friends like these. Friends who never judge. Never make you feel insecure. Never make you feel anything but loved? These friends? All you need. For all your days.

So we said goodbye to Atlantic City. But we said hello to new memories. And a reminder of a whole lot of love.

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Being a kid ...

When I saw this prompt from Monday Listicles over at Rachel's place, I decided I had to participate to share something more upbeat about my child after yesterday's post. Cause she's an incredible, light-hearted, thoughtful, spunky and fun little one. And she's got it made, hasn't she?



This week is kid edition. List of ten reasons why being a child is great. Or why it is not. Up to you.

Top Ten Reasons Being a Kid is GREAT!

10. Eating without calories.
- I know that's not true. But it sure felt like it and seems like it for my kiddo!

9. Applause when you do something successfully.
- Who claps for me when I go potty? Oh, yeah. My kid used to.

8. TV at your demand.
- There was no "Can you rewind it?" or "Can you go to the beginning?" when I was growing up. When I was a kid I had to walk over to the television and change.the.CHANNEL!

7. Someone wipes your behind.
- Okay, so I don't really want that, but there are days ...

6. She likes doing the dishes.
- You know, I used to, also. Used to. Until they tripled. Or more. She also likes using about 3-4 spoons per yogurt. Who gets away with that as an adult?

5. The big people are at your disposal.
- They are. Even when they (we) tell you they're (we're) not. If you need us we are there. If you need something it is provided to you. Within reason, of course. But still. Who is at my disposal these days? Sigh. I need a few fairies around here.

4. Your heart hasn't yet been broken.
- Sure, sometimes it feels like it hurts. But you have not yet experienced true heartbreak. And I like it that way. I loved it that way for myself, too.

3. Trust is almost always a given.
- The innocence of childhood permits you to trust everyone. Your parents do the weeding out. The non-trusting. There is no violation of trust for you where you might suspect mis-deeds. It's a beautiful time. I miss it. Sometimes.

2. Everyone is your friend.
- Cousins, neighbors, fellow girl scouts, people you meet at Chick-fil-a. They're your friends. You remember them well. The openness is amazing. You're warm, you're embracing, you're pure and you're true.

1. Money doesn't matter.
- Why did I save that for last? I don't know. I should have moved #2 down, but I honestly felt it when I wrote it. It's not a big countdown of ideas here, people. I promise. It's just amazing how children can walk through Target (when they're not screaming their heads off) and think that it's entirely at their fingertips. They can have anything in the store because Mommy and Daddy can buy it. And I don't mean that she wants it all - though often she asks for it all - but she truly thinks we CAN buy it all. It's incredible to see her eyes light up at the toys and the games and the random things that one would never think she'd want. And it isn't an *I must have this now* kind of mentality. She honestly says, "For my next birthday - when I'm six," so she means well. But her eyes are SO big and wide, that she'd ask that whether it were a few Barbies, a LalaLoopsy or something a 2-yo might play with. She'd ask for a grown-up scooter, a piece of furniture or something for the dogs. I suppose it's the true innocence when it comes to wanting and understanding what CAN be had that made me put this last. It's pure. It's real. It's the same way when it comes to shopping for birthday gifts for her little friends. She'd spent $50 just as sure as she'd spend $5. And you know what? I hate curbing that - but a budget's a budget, people.

So - there you have it. My list of children's amazing things. Or my child's.

Oh, wait. I forgot two more.

ICE CREAM.
- It's like a food group.

Love your body.
- Only as a child can one run around the house buck nekkid or half-dressed and be 100% comfortable with who they are.

*You'd think those two would contradict one another but it's so amazing how they don't seem to do that until one is an understanding adult.

I first thought this would be a bunch of my own memories, but then I read the prompt and this suited today more. Happy Monday, all!

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I remember. And I learn.

It turns out to be perfect that I missed my Sunday post this week with my weekly health and fitness update. I decided to hold off and figured I would post something on Tuesday (writing this on Sunday night) as I have scheduled a book review to go live on Monday, and just wasn't up for back-to-back-to-back posts.

Anyway, here I am, trying to precisely word where I am at this week (post-last week) and I'm lost. I'm stuck. I don't have that much to say. I don't know if it's because this morning (Sunday) I weighed in and dropped .2 lbs. Or because yesterday I ate just around 1/3 of my calories before noon. Oops.

So I'm honestly OK and happy enough with the .2 lbs. Seriously satisfied that the digits didn't go up at all.

And then as I sit here thinking, and deciding what to write about my first and second experiences with my new Zumba for Wii workout.

And I check Write on Edge. The prompt is as follows:

This week we’d like you to write about a time you found yourself comparing yourself, unfavorably, with someone else.  Focus on how the comparison affected you, negatively or positively.

Well, thank you very much.

I've always been the chunky girl. Even when I was at what I now can look at and define as "my skinniest," I was the chunky one.

Pictures of myself from a trip with friends to Puerto Rico. South Beach. Cancun.

I was happy. But was I?

I was never the one in the two-piece suit. Always in the matronly one-piece.

Yes, in my early twenties I hung out with friends who flashed more skin than I'd ever dare.

And I loved these friends.

But I'd be lying if I said I didn't compare myself to them sometimes.

I'd be lying if I said that when I got to college and looked at the friends of mine who were able to get dressed in pretty much anything without an inch or more of flab or fat showing because they barely had any to spare.

We'd go out, I'd feel like I was dressed to the nines - as much as one could be in college in the '90s - and I'd look in the mirror and feel that I was ready to go. The music was blaring. The wristbands were on (acquired under the radar, I was definitely not 21 yet) and there I was. And then I'd get in. Everyone was dancing. I was, too. I had fun. I felt free. I felt friendships. I'm honest, they were and are legitimate. I'm still friends with these people. Friendship and a sisterhood before so much else.

It wasn't them. It wasn't their fault. They never looked at me as anyone but me. They never took an inch of their bare skin and intentionally made me feel like shit.

I did it to myself. 100%. Completely me.

I put myself in a corner at mixers and crush parties. Not always - mind you - but sometimes. Sometimes my mind got the better of me and won.

Was I depressed? No - not exactly. But I probably had a mild state of it. Between that and the generalized anxiety that would go undiagnosed for years to come, I'm sure my world felt to me as lame as it could. And I did it all to myself.

Have I been there again as an adult? Yes. As a mom? Yes. Do I want my daughter to EVER feel that way? NO. N-to the -O. Will she? Sadly, sure. I'm sure she will. I hope that I give her the independence and strong will to fight it and avoid it. All girls feel it now and then. I felt it in my childhood. My junior high years. High school. College. And beyond.

But now I'm fighting it. It flashes back to me now and again. That girl who lives somewhere inside. She's not gone. I know she'll never truly disappear. But that's okay. I'm supposed to live with her. I'm supposed to teach her. Guide her.

And with the effort I am putting in these days for myself. For my health. My mindset. My fitspiration. I hope all of that combined with being a mother to an amazing young girl will help me keep my own little girl inside, locked away and feeling secure enough to never have to come out and play again. Because she's not fun. She's sad. She's lonely. And she doesn't belong here.

Because the stronger me wins out. She stands tall. Well, as tall as my 5' 2-1/2" frame can stand these days.

I think I might have to start wearing heels again ...

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Real Moms Love to Eat ~ Book Review and healthy living!

Do you want to know what I just did? If not, well, too bad. I'm about to tell you.

See, I had a Chanukah Harriet drop off a goodie gift for me the other day. And just the fact alone that it still exists in my home, wrapped, is an incredible accomplishment for me. And no, the gift is NOT still wrapped. But one of the treats inside of it was. Until about ten minutes ago.

She gave me a Reese's snowman. A serious snowman. Chocolate. Peanut butter. Yumminess. Goodness. Sweetness. Calories galore. But still. Reese's? One of my favorite chocolates ever.

And my daughter just asked for some. So I took it out of the package, took out a sharp knife, and cut off a piece for her and for myself. A small piece. A slice of a Reese's snowman. Seriously. A SLICE. That's unheard of in my world.

And it's not just because of an article I read recently about the worst things you can eat over the holiday season (and this was ON that list. Gasp!). Or just because of the incredible seminar I sat through a week ago on overeating and what is good or not so good to eat.

But it's because of Beth Aldrich. And her book. Real Moms Love to Eat: How to conduct a love affair with food, lose weight and feel fabulous.

Beth is a real mom. And she loves to eat. And her book talks to you - the reader - the mom - the woman - the man, even! - whoever you are about a healthier way of life. And she doesn't talk down to you. She doesn't force you to give up the things you love forever. She doesn't ask you to skip the sweets.

Now, don't get me wrong. A Reese's treat is not exactly the kind that Beth recommend in her book. Not at all. But I do think she'd still be proud of me for not wolfing down the whole thing! For taking that one slice and being happy and satisfied with it. (For now, I admit.)

But more importantly than the chocolate (although there isn't much that is more important than chocolate) I have to thank Beth for encouraging me to implement a very important change in my family's life. After reading her book I became motivated to ensure that we have vegetables at dinner every. single. night. At least when I cook at home, that's the plan.

I have started adding salads to the meal. I'm including more veggies in crockpot dishes. I'm steaming frozen vegetables and tossing them on our plates in huge, heaping spoonfuls. I'm using up my small stockpile of canned goods. I'm baking sweet potatoes. I'm chopping celery. I'm scooping more avocados. I've got a butternut squash waiting to be baked, and its spaghetti sister has already been used up. I'm just plain doing it.

I'm on a roll, honestly. I've being at it for several weeks now and it's excellent. Again, don't get me wrong. There are lots of changes I have to work on. It's the holidays. Cookies are everywhere - including my house. It's crazy. But I'm trying to eat less of them. Fewer. Give more away. Send them to work with my husband. Whatever works. But the veggies stay here with me. With us. And we love them.

So this is just step one into a brighter and healthier home. Better eating habits. I have Beth to thank for motivating me towards this change. So while I haven't yet tried out the recipes she shared, and I haven't done each and every suggestion in her book (except the water - I am a big fan of water and drink it throughout the day, so I'm glad to say I meet the goals she has me setting for myself already), I'm working at it. And it feels really good.

So if you're interested in checking out the book, you should. Beth Aldrich is a real woman. A real mom. And she loves to eat. So if you do, too, it's worth a peek. Just can pop over to Amazon and pick up your own copy here.

** I was not compensated in any way for reading or reviewing this book. I did receive a free digital copy of the book to review and was sent a goodie bag of a variety of healthy items that are sponsors of the author and her book/book tour. All expressed opinions are truly my own. Feel free to contact me with any questions or for further clarification.

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Monday Morning Recap

Right now this is what is happening in my house. My four-year-old child is saying, repeatedly:

"Bella. Bella. Bella. Come here, Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella."

I turn around. She (my child) is hiding under Dexter's blanket. Bella (younger dog, new to the family) is looking around like, 'What on earth is wrong with this random human? Why is she hiding her head and face from me?'

Good morning, bloggy friends.

I have already had a bit of a morning, in that I went to the doctor for my check-in/check-up type of appointment today. I met the new doc, and decided she kind of reminds me of my younger cousin I don't talk to anymore, only not *quite* as flighty. Which isn't to say she is or isn't, as I don't know her well enough to know. But she is a dead ringer, honestly, and that freaks me out just a little bit.

And I went into talk to her about my anxiety meds. Which is a good thing. She's good with giving me my 3 month refill when I'm ready, so that's good. And all will be well this holiday season. Or something.

But yeah, she also talked to me about my weight. I brought it up, explaining that I know I've put on a few pounds (had some other medical-related-matters to address that I think brought that on) and her response was: You can start today.

She's right, you know? I mean, I know. I know I can, should, will want to. Even probably WILL start today. But then what? What happens tomorrow? How does one make sure that movement - REAL movement - beyond a walk or two - the kind where you break a sweat - - how does a stay-at-home-mom of a 4-year-old girl (so many dashes, sometimes I'm addicted to them) get moving to the point that she sees the scale go down?

Food matters, too, of course. I know that. I'm a 39 year old woman. No dashes required. I'm 39. I didn't get to 39 without knowing that eating right and exercise help you lose weight. So how do I DO that? Why can't I do it? What helps me do it? When last week we got our second dog and we took a 2 mile walk and I did really well, and I felt good, really good, and then we walked and ran and played fetch and did lots of stuff this weekend and past week - and the scale doesn't/didn't move. How do I get past that? When there's nothing medically wrong with me? When I kind of wish it was something a pill could help? That's bad, I know. I really DON'T wish that. But what to do and how?

I write about this often around here. I re-motivate myself and feel ready to go. DO! GO! YES! And then what? I flop and fail. Sigh.

I suppose I just begin again.

What about you? How do you fit it all in? How do you make it a critical effort when you know it's needed? How do you accept yourself for who you are and work to change yourself at the same time? Is that even allowed? I mean, it should be. It HAS to be, right?

Sigh, again.

I'll think about it. I'll ponder. And hopefully I'll DO.

Thanks for *listening* ...

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Wordless Wednesday: I caved!

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Wordless Wednesday: Before and After

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Sunday Night Blues?

Every now and then I start feeling kind of meh. In the winter it's all about staying warm and wearing layers. In the summer it's too dang hot to do much of anything. Spring and fall are lovely, but they seem to disappear so quickly down here in NC.

So I think to myself, what can I do to make me feel better? Buying myself something fun, flirty and pretty helps. So does pampering myself. And at EdenFantasys you can find something to work for both of those ideas.

One thing I love about their pretty and flirty outfits is that they have choices in many sizes. So you don't have to be super tiny to look and feel sexy! Check out this beautiful mesh babydoll with panty and it's only $25.99! That's so incredibly affordable it shocks me.

And if you want to spend a bit more and go a little bit more high maintenance, check out his bow mesh corset ensemble here! That is just beautiful. I'm not sure I'd be able to finagle my way into it, but what's that matter, right? It's down right hot!

If you're feeling a little dull because you haven't gotten ahold of your summer tan yet, a little shimmer cream will help you shine a bit and make you sparkle as you get ready for a fun night. It's actually good for your skin, too! The description explains that it has both, vitamin E and carrot oil to revitalize skin. So you get all sparkly, too! So if you're in the mood for some discreet shopping, follow any of these links and head on over to the EdenFantasys website. You'll find all these products and more for your enjoyment!

* I have not yet been compensated for this post, but was promised an EdenFantasys giftcard if my post meets the blogging requirements. I am not reviewing their entire website here, or any specific products, I'm just promoting what I think might be some great products to purchase for a good ole' gal like me! (And some of my readers, too!)*

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Rockin' The Bump!

Linking up today with Shell over at Things I Can't Say and Rockin' the Bump. I will confess that I was someone who LOVED being pregnant. I was never more at ease or relaxed in my body, and I never had that explosive baby bump that I actually longed for. Oh, don't get me wrong, she was there and she showed, but I was a large pregnant woman with a not-so-large belly for most of my pregnancy!



Here's a picture of me in Germany at somewhere around 4-5 (I think it was more like 4-1/2) months pregnant.

And here is a shot of me with my newborn niece six weeks before my own daughter was born. I flew into New York for her birth, with my big ole pregnant belly and fears that the seatbelt on the airplane wouldn't close! But I did just fine, my not-yet-here-baby did great and stayed put, and my niece enjoyed resting on the bump for a bit.


I really don't have nearly enough shots. I mean, I have pregnancy pics and all, of just day-to-day or special events during the 38 weeks, but nothing like here's my big ole belly and monthly or weekly stomach shots as some women do.

Thanks to Shell for reminding me what a blessing pregnancy was for us, and how it really feels amazing to respect and adore one's body as I did at that time!

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