Is It Time To Find A New Therapist?

Recently I was reading some comments on a friend's Facebook wall and I noticed someone mention that they had been working with their therapist for six years, and felt some sort of loyalty to that provider. 

But the tone, and the comments? Left me (and other therapists) thinking that perhaps this relationship was not the best for this person. 

And that got me thinking.

And thinking. 

And thinking some more. 

How many people out there are seeing their mental health providers for what might just be too long?

I would liken it to your hairstylist. 

I know many people who are very loyal to their hairstylist.

They feel that to go see someone else would be cheating on them.

I've actually heard the words said. 

I've heard of people switching salons to avoid coming face-to-face with their last stylist. 

I don't have that kind of loyalty, mostly because, well - have you seen my hair? I don't exactly have a stylist like that. 

But that's besides the point. 

Would you return to your stylist repeatedly if they guided you to a style you hated?

Would you go back more than once if they messed up your hair to the point of unfixable? 

Probably not. 

So. Why would you remain loyal to a therapist who has given you all they have for you? 

Why would you consider seeing them, week after week, month after month, year after year - when their words don't seem to be helping you lead yourself anywhere? 

Would you? 

Have you? 

Are you? 

I'd like to remind you that it's okay to find yourself a new provider. 

And I encourage you to consider these five things when you're trying to decide if it's time to make a change. 

Five Signs It's Time To Find A New Therapist

1. You dread going to your sessions. 

Granted, early on in therapy we can find ourselves wishing we didn't have to go. These are the days where we need it the most. We fear our therapist is going to call us out on something. Dredge something up we're not sure we're ready to talk about. But that's not the same as actual dread. Feeling like you'd rather do anything else besides go to their office, take their Zoom or phone call, whatever that feeling is? Speak it. Acknowledge it. There's a reason for it, and you're not going to benefit from forcing yourself to go when you don't want to talk to this provider. 

2. You repeatedly walk out of sessions with no action items. 

You don't have to have a list of things to do or think about every single time you leave your therapist's office. But if you haven't come up with new things to focus on for - well - a long long time? It's probably time to let go. Your therapist should be supporting you, giving you space, but also, offering you ways to help you guide yourself towards your goals. You can't reach them if you're not taking steps towards them. 

3. They're flat out unsupportive.

It's one thing to find yourself facing a challenging therapist. Many of us ARE that way. We're challenging you to find your best self. We're bringing you to those points where you may hate us for what we've said to you - but usually you'll find your way through that and realize where we headed is where you needed to go. So. If your therapist is not supportive? It's time to find a new one. Period. 

4. You're going in circles. 

Again, this is something we all experience. As clients. As therapists. Sure. But if you find that you can't break the circle, you can't find a way to shatter that box that holds you in? Make a change. 

5. You don't like them.

This sounds like the most obvious of reasons, doesn't it? But this should probably have been the first one I pointed out. Because this can happen right off the bat. If you go to a therapist and immediately have a bad feeling, or if you are quite certain, after leaving their office, hanging up the phone, or whatever type of communication you just had, that you never want to talk to that person again? Please. Don't go back. 

You're under no obligation to do so. Every therapist knows they won't be a perfect match for every client they meet. And that's okay. 

Because YOU have to be comfortable. YOU have to feel like you're okay with talking to this person. YOU have to feel heard. And YOU need to know that it's right. Because if it's not - you're not going to get what you need out of it. Don't go out of obligation. Don't go out of worry. Concern. It's not your job to protect your therapist's feelings. They'll be fine. I promise. 

Have I missed anything? Let me know if you've had this kind of turning point with your mental health provider and how you broke through it. What did you do when you realized it was time to move on? Are you in that space currently and find you need help processing? Give me a shout. I'm here to listen. 

For more information on mental health, consider these posts:

10 Truths About Mental Health

10 Things To Know Before Your First Therapy Appointment

We Need Each Other

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How To Keep Calm When Everyone Is Freaking Out.

Friends.

I know what you're going through right now.

I know that you're experiencing anxiety like you have not experienced in some time.

If ever.

I know that you are feeling all of the symptoms that make you stop and pause and think, what is happening to me - physically?

Take a moment.

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Don't Step Out of Your Comfort Zone.

You know the saying, step out of your comfort zone.

Try new things.

You can do it!

You've got this!

All of that is true. Certainly.

You CAN do it.

And no doubt, at some point?

You WILL get it.

But what happens if stepping outside of your comfort zone causes you so much anxiety that you simply freeze?

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Feel All The Things.

Good day, internet friends, and happy holidays.

'Tis the season for love, laughter, baking, drinking, eating, happiness! And, of course, decorating alllll the things.

But it is also the season for pain. Grief. Loss. Reminders.

And. Of course. Tears.

Allow yourself these tears.

Whether you realize it or not, you need them.

Tears are a catharsis of sorts for the body.

I'm not a doctor and I don't play one on TV, but I know that a good cry is healing for us all.

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We Need Each Other.

Do you talk about mental health with the people in your life?

Do you tell them if you're struggling?

Do you ask them if THEY are struggling?

Mental health matters. It matters to me. It should matter to you.

Over the years it has been so easy to use words like nuts, crazy, whacko, insane.

I used to use them. I shouldn't have - but I did.

That isn't to say that I never do. I still describe myself as a little crazy now and then.

What is a little crazy, anyway?

Do we really know?

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Ask Her.

There has been a lot of chatter about maternal mental health this last week or so.

That said, it has not all been heartwarming or supportive.

Why is that, you may wonder?

Well, because Her Royal Highness, The Duchess of Sussex, has made some statements about being vulnerable. And about not being okay.

And the internet world, as it so often does, has torn into her beyond words.

Meghan. I see you.

I see you. And in seeing you I recognize the strong possibility that you are living with a Perinatal Mood and Anxiety Disorder (PMAD). *

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Closing Doors.

Y'all.

I am so tired this week.

I have plans this weekend that will bring love and joy and support back into my world and my heart, and I can't wait for them.

But in the meantime?

This week.

I just can't get out of my own head.

I just can't get out of my own way.

I know you do it, too.

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Depleting.

Divorce is depleting.

Someone in a group I am in said that this morning, not in those exact words, but more along the lines of when someone reacted to something divorce related - how depleting that was.

Is.

Feels.

Depleting.

Damn.

That is the G-d's honest truth.

Divorce is exhausting.

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There's No Such Thing ... Let's Talk Mental Health

Listen, friends, I never ever pretend to be the therapist to all the people.

I don't.

I tell people I work in mental health.

I tell people I'm a therapist.

But I don't heal anyone.

I don't want to *fix* anyone I'm dating.

I don't want someone who meets me to think I'm instantly going to be analyzing them in a professional manner.

But listen.

I'd be lying if I said I didn't analyze people.

So would you.

It's how we connect with each other.

How we learn about one another.

And how we determine who we want and don't want in our lives.

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Sinking.

Some days it feels like we're all simply sinking.

Holding our heads above water is nearly impossible.

The rain falls at the same time.

Hail hits the top of our heads.

We reach out, and there's nobody there.

We fall under.

Down.

Down.

The water covers us.

We open our eyes and look around.

We look above us.

We belong up there.

And so we break through the surface.

And we look around.

But some days.

Above the surface.

We take a deep breath.

And dive back down.

Because some days ...

Fighting doesn't feel worth it.

Some days ...

We lack the energy.

We want the water to carry us.

To wherever we're going next.

To whatever comes our way.

To whatever we can't see in front of us.

Not down, necessarily.

Forward.

But not up, either.

Up is too damned hard some days.

We feel like we need to float.

We know we can only do that on the surface.

And so, we need to decide.

What to do next?

Because some days ...

We feel like we're sinking.

And we're just too tired to swim.

** I feel as though I need to include a disclaimer here. I wrote this a few days ago. I had made it through a rough day, and I'd seen many friends going through the same. Our political climate is a hotbed of disasters, and our friends and loved ones often fight the unexpected, and it's exhausting. So. Please know I am okay. And many of my loved ones are okay, as well. But some days. We all feel it. This hold. The pulling of the water that surrounds us. And it sucks. But we find our way. But we also know that some days, well, we just want to try to float, sink a bit, sink a bit further, and then, then we decide to swim again. Maybe not that same day. Maybe not the next. But we keep swimming. Or we grab hold of someone who is. Or a floatation device that will hold us up. Because we're worth it. Each of us. Always. ** 

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Inspiration in the Darkness

So.

I did a January Whole30 and I felt good. And then I let February take hold and run me into the ground. I'm back to being the over-emotional me of 2017.

I have done six rounds of Whole30.

Six of them.

I lost a substantial amount of weight, I felt great, and I established a new kind of relationship with food.

And then something changed in my life. Something pretty damned huge.

My life. It's different now.

I experienced so many firsts, and I am still finding new things to experience.

Moments without. Moments with.

I am finding my way.

Making marks in ways I've never expected. Never thought I'd need or want to.

I'm sifting through the ashes. Finding the remains. Piecing them together with all that is new.

Pushing through the mud. Finding growth.

No mud. No lotus.

I'm allowing my scars to heal. Allowing new ones to surface. I'm not covering them up. Not right away. I need to confront them. I need to see them. I need to feel them.

But as I do I'm reminding myself. Inhale. Exhale.

I'm allowing myself to breathe.

We all need to breathe.

I'm watching the seasons change. Recognizing that nearly an entire year has gone by.

I'm looking for inspiration in the darkness.

And sometimes I find it.

Why Melissa Hartwig Inspires Me

If you've ever done a Whole30 you've heard of Melissa Hartwig. 

She's one of the founders and she's one of the people I enjoy following on Instagram. Not just because she's an author. A creator. But because she is real. She's human. And she speaks to us, her fans and followers, as if we're equals.

I know. I know.

We are. We're all human. We are equals.

But seriously, this woman is a fierce fit machine. And in spite of that - from someone who has not found themselves on that path at this point in their life - if ever - I still watch and learn. Absorb. And appreciate that she keeps it so damned real.

If you follow me on Instagram you know that's a hashtag I use often when it comes to selfies and motherhood. #keepinitreal is who I am. Or at least who I try to be. I don't do this for sympathy. I do it for reality. 

And today, well, yesterday, really, I was struggling. I was beating myself up, because after six rounds of Whole30 I felt that I should have had a handle on it in a way that I wouldn't look at myself in the mirror and ask what the hell happened. 

But that's what I do. 

And I know what happened. 

And I don't like to lay the blame on anyone but myself. And yet, sometimes, some days, some ways, I do. Because I didn't ask to fall off this positive path. I didn't ask to find myself knocked down several pegs. I didn't ask for this.

And so. I get angry. I get frustrated. But through it all I stay real. I stay true to who I am.

I almost decided to share Melissa's post on FB today, but then realized this deserved an entire blog post. And I hope it's okay to do this and embed her Instagram post in here - because damn, friends, it's so important. Any of you - all of you - who are trying something new and feeling like you're failing. Or trying something old, again, and hating yourself for not being perfect at whatever it is already. 

This. Melissa Hartwig wrote this for you. 

Re: my last #myfoodfreedom post, where I said it's taken me 7 years to arrive at this place of effortless balance: I occasionally hear people suggest if you need 6 Whole30s or you're still struggling 5 years later, you're doing it wrong. That if you can't "fix" your relationship with food faster than this, without the support or help of multiple Whole30s, you're going about it in the wrong way. • Had I entered myself into a food rehab facility, where all life stressors were removed and my only job was to work on changing my habits and healing my emotional relationship with food, I might agree. But let me explain what ELSE I was working on over that 7 year period, along with my Food Freedom: • Quitting my job to start my own business. Getting married. Discovering major issues. Spending years in therapy trying to make the marriage work. Digging into trauma from sexual abuse and drug addiction during said therapy sessions. Writing a book. Getting pregnant. Leaving home at 7 months pregnant. Returning. Having a baby. Writing another book. Doing a very public book tour side-by-side while filing for divorce. Divorcing. Going through a prolonged business split. Rebuilding myself from the ground up while figuring out how to be a single mom, run my business, and write two more books. • While simultaneously trying to create a healthy relationship with the ONE thing I used to rely on the most for comfort, as reward, to relieve anxiety, and to show myself love. So yeah, it took me 7 years. • If it takes you 9 Whole30s or 19 years to finally find YOUR Food Freedom balance, do not despair, because it's not like it's the only thing you've got going on. Keep working on it daily, diligently. Don't give up, because you choose your hard, and the other hard really wasn't working for you. Don't treat the Whole30 like a yo-yo, because that's not the path to Food Freedom. Go do some therapy, because that’s often necessary too. But if you're working it, really working it, even if all you can do is make one small effort on the toughest of days... don't let anyone tell you that you're not "doing it right." • #myfoodfreedom #whole30FFF #melissarants #melissaexplains7years @whole30

A post shared by Melissa Hartwig (@melissa_hartwig) on Feb 19, 2018 at 4:47pm PST

I wrote this entire post yesterday. Tuesday. February 20th.

Today I had my annual physical. I always spend the day before (who am I kidding, days, more likely) in slight trepidation. I love my doctor. I mean it, I do. She's never made me feel like crap. She's listened to me cry. She's supported me through a lot of stuff. And today was no exception.

And yet. I'm still concerned. Worried. About disappointing her. And, more importantly, myself.

So today I met with the student who was shadowing her first.

Am I the only one who does that?

It is always a great experience, except for that one time when the guy was a little - well, he was a GUY - and he was like a teenager and really cute. But that's okay. I survived.

Anyway, remember that students need to learn, too. If you've not been there you may not want to put yourself out there in this way. You might feel like a guinea pig. You're not. You're getting quality treatment from someone who is currently being supervised by your doctor and if you're not trusting your doctor to do that then how do you trust him/her to treat YOU?

Okay, and so I rambled.

Go figure.

Anyway, my doctor and her student supported me today as I discussed the year gone by, and I spoke about my plans for the coming months. My agenda. My goals. My focus.

And because of the inspiration I found yesterday - that which I shared here - I was able to truly speak from the heart and MEAN IT. I meant EVERY WORD. Every single word.

I'm inspired. It's a sunshine-filled day today, y'all. Thanks for riding it out with me. Let's ride the wave to better days together, shall we? Race you to the starting line ...

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What You Need For Your Whole30

If you have been reading my blog for a while you are likely familiar with the fact that I have completed several rounds of Whole30. And while I've tried to find my way back to it a few times in 2017, I'll admit that emotional upheaval has kept me from giving up my carbs and left me still focusing on labels and the like when it comes to hidden ingredients, but also left me wishing sometimes that I'd go back to eating the things that filled me up in the right ways.

So. I have decided to share a few ideas with you all - and I've decided to start a Whole30 today. I'm not sure what round this is for me, but I'll try to figure that out later on.

I'm starting another round in hopes that I'll continue to remind myself that when I follow certain eating habits it represents positive changes that give me and my body the boost I'm searching for. It's not restrictions or limitations, but a way to see exactly how my body does best.

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My Anxiety Does Not Own Me

This post was written two years ago for another website, but the words, the feelings, the thoughts, the heart? All me. All mine. Please note, you will see an indication that my daughter is eight - but she is ten now. These feelings still resonate. 

When I found out I was pregnant, I was over the moon excited. Beyond thrilled. And, if I’m being honest, a little bit shocked.

As someone submerged in the mental health field, I was on the ball. I knew what to look for. I knew what could happen.

I knew about postpartum depression. I knew about maternal mental health. I knew from anxiety. I experienced it in my regular life.

Pre-motherhood. Regular. You know? The basic days of work and school, caring for pets, becoming a wife. Moving across several states. Away from friends and family.

I knew anxiety. I knew it could hit me. I was ready.

But I never knew how hard it would hit.

My experience was during pregnancy. People focus on postpartum mental health a lot. Many mamas don’t know that they can experience this during pregnancy, as well. 

I’m here to tell you it happens.

Even when you’re armed with information. 

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Mental Health Matters

IMPORTANT REMINDER:

If you are in a place where you feel unsafe or if you believe that you are a threat to yourself because of your illness. PLEASE. Please call 9-1-1 immediately.  

Today is World Mental Health Day.

Today. Tuesday. October 10, 2017.

It's a day where my FB feed was flooded with proclamations.

A day where friends reminded one another of their own experiences with mental illness.

A day where the world stood together for a few brief moments to remind one another that we're not alone. Where so many of us across social media and beyond took the time to say:

Me, too!

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One Plus One

When you are the parent of an only child you sometimes receive inquiries as to whether or not you're going to have another.

I can say that during my daughter's ten years, thus far, I haven't been asked quite as often as you might expect or imagine.

But I've thought - to myself - to others - that I wasn't done.

I've thought - surely - surely I'm meant to have another child.

But life goes on.

Things change.

This is not something I have shared publicly.

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Ten Truths About Mental Health

Source: pixabay... /en/consulting-mental-health-health-1739639/

If you've been a regular reader of my blog you're bound to already know how important the topic of mental health is to me.

As a licensed clinical social worker, it's a given that this topic is not just a part of my professional world - but basically IS my professional world. And when it comes to personal discussions, you already know that I speak freely about how important it is to take care of your mental health.

For mental health awareness month, I'm participating in an effort with some other bloggers, coordinated by Brittany of Clumps of Mascara, to normalize the discussion about mental health.

And in doing so I've decided to share some truths about mental health - for those who might know nothing about what it's like to get help - or what it's like to struggle with mental illness - or - well - pretty much anything I can share I'm going to share here. Because for those out there struggling, it's helpful to hear these things (or read them, as the case may be here), and for those who aren't? It's important to those who are that YOU read them, too. And hear them. And know what your friends and loved ones are experiencing. So please - even if this doesn't apply to you - read on. You just might be able to better understand someone in your life who needs you to.

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Mother's Day: To All The Moms

This week I'd like to share some notes on motherhood I've written. Some of these posts have been shared before on other websites. Links to those sites have been noted at the end of these posts. Some pieces have been shared here on my own blog, but are things I feel deserve another look. Some are just brand new shares on being a mom. Join me in celebrating mothers.

Source: pixabay... en/super-mami-mama-bebe-arms-happy-951190/

To all the moms out there. 

Happy Mother's Day.

To the new moms. The ones who are trying to decide if they're doing anything right.

We see you. Happy Mother's Day.

To the Mama-To-Be. Expecting her first. Second. Third. Whichever addition to your family this baby is - it does not matter. What a blessing. What joy.

We see you. Happy Mother's Day.

To the woman trying to become a mom. Aching. Yearning. Pulling out all the stops. 

We see you. Happy Mother's Day.

To the mother who returned home without her baby. A loss impossible to describe. But one you've been given no choice but to bear. 

We see you. Happy Mother's Day.

To the single mom, spending her first Mother's Day with her child. Alone. Thinking back to years gone by. You're recognized. Celebrated.

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Mother's Day: Your Diagnosis

This week I'd like to share some notes on motherhood I've written. Some of these posts have been shared before on other websites. Links to those sites have been noted at the end of these posts. Some pieces have been shared here on my own blog, but are things I feel deserve another look. Some are just brand new shares on being a mom. Join me in celebrating mothers. 

Source: pixabay... /en/company-mother-kids-2262548/

Listen, friends, my early motherhood months were no picnic. I was already on medication, though, thanks to my own experience and my doctors’ awareness. They were open and listened to me. They helped me find the support I needed – and for me that was in the form of meds.

I found online support within my local moms’ group. And I used to joke that I had “PPD-lite”—I even thought I made up the name PPA. I never knew it was a legitimate postpartum mental health diagnosis. Postpartum anxiety. It’s not just legitimate, it’s very real. Real in that it impacts so many mothers – all day, every day.

Remember, I’m a licensed clinical social worker. And I didn’t know that postpartum anxiety was actually a thing.

Whatever it is you’re experiencing? Whatever you’re feeling in these early postpartum days? It’s real.

You may think to yourself, well, I get out of bed, I take care of my baby, and I actually leave the house – so I can’t have postpartum depression, right?

Right. Or maybe not.

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Mother's Day: Dear New Mama

This week I'd like to share some notes on motherhood I've written. Some of these posts have been shared before on other websites. Links to those sites have been noted at the end of these posts. Some pieces have been shared here on my own blog, but are things I feel deserve another look. Some are just brand new shares on being a mom. Join me in celebrating mothers. 

Source: pexels... /photo/crescent-moon-and-cloud-wind-chimes-235243/

Dear New Mama,

Oh! It’s your very first Mother’s Day. It’s so special. So very very special.

And beautiful, too.

All of the emotions! The joy, the excitement, the anticipation. The thoughts that run through your mind that tell you that THIS, this will be YOUR day.

Finally.

Finally, you, new mama, have a day of your own. One where you’re recognized for all the work you’ve been doing this far.

The diapers. The feedings. The laughter. The tears.

Yes. The tears.

I know, I know. Nobody talks about the tears.

I’m here to tell you, new mama, that it’s okay. You’re allowed to have tears.

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Mother's Day: Celebrating You

This week I'd like to share some notes on motherhood I've written. Some of these posts have been shared before on other websites. Links to those sites have been noted at the end of these posts. Some pieces have been shared here on my own blog, but are things I feel deserve another look. Some are just brand new shares on being a mom. Join me in celebrating mothers. 

Hi there, sweet mama,

Happy Mother’s Day. 

Yes! I know. 

It’s Mother’s Day. 

And you’re a mom. Such a fun day to celebrate!

It’s a day celebrating you, and your mom before you, and her mom before her – a day for all moms and mother figures to be recognized for all the beautiful things they’ve done for their children.

But you – you, sweet mama – you’re trying to figure out how that’s possible. You’re trying to rationalize how the label of mother entitles you to receive accolades on this Hallmark holiday.

Because you might not feel like you deserve any.

You might feel like you’re a mom in title only. You might feel like you haven’t done anything but take on the role of robotically taking care of this little person who eats and sleeps, cries, poops, eats and sleeps some more.

You might feel afraid of holding your baby. You might flinch so hard when she cries. You might want to run away. You might toss and turn at night. You might want to lock yourself in the bathroom. You might turn the music on really loud so you can take a moment to catch your breath. And truth is, you might have to.

But you know what, mama? That’s okay. You can feel all of these things. You can do them. You’re allowed to take care of you, too.

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