Sunday, September 9, 2012

Split down the middle.



I went over to Jana's this morning and her topic of choice was so spot on today that I almost started to cry. See, she suggested we use the prompt of focusing on ourselves. On who we are. An "I am ____" sort of post.

So, here I go.

7:18 pm.

I am me. I am the girl who started bawling my eyes out to my husband yesterday when I saw a picture he took of me on the boat earlier that afternoon.

I am the woman who works so hard, keeps on trying, and no matter what faces that same damned wall every.single.time.

I am the mom who works so hard to love and support my child, my daughter. I try to show her that she can be anything, anyone - whoever she wants to be. I also try to tell her she is smart, beautiful, amazing and enough. No matter what. That she doesn't NEED beautiful dresses or clips in her hair. She doesn't need to add something to herself to, as she says, "look beautiful" because she is enough. She is beautiful already.

7:21 pm.

I'm the me who writes regularly and pins to my motivate me pinterest board and says these things that inspire others. I take the time to work out and I share it on facebook, cheering myself on. Accepting the likes. The comments. The praise.

Then I'm the me who looks at that version of myself and thinks it is all a complete and utter load of CRAP. I'm not getting anywhere. Its not making changes happen. And so what's my problem. Am I happy with the first me? Or is she even real? Am I the powerful and strong me? What am I really teaching my daughter? Am I really showing her the things I hope, or can she see through so much of my mask. The facade I hold up in front of my face. The one where the pictures I share only show me from the neck up. How beautiful is that? Is that enough? Will it ever be?

I am me. And as much as I try to love that me, I also struggle with never being satisfied enough.

Where does the line get drawn in the proverbial sand?

7:23 pm.

I stop here and leave myself wondering. I could probably write for hours on this topic. Who am I kidding? This is my blog. Look through it. I probably already HAVE.

* I've linked up with Jana's Thinking Place for Stream of Consciousness Sunday today. Click the button at the top of my post to read more about it - to meet Jana - and to possibly join in and link up with the rest of us. 

13 comments:

doseofreality said...

Beautiful post my friend. I related to all of it. Every word. Keep writing, the world needs your voice. I certainly know that I do.

Angela King said...

beautifully written. i am right there with you. i try and try and try and don't get anywhere, drown my sorrows in candy and ice cream and then start over. it's hard. so hard. i'm here for you. you're doing the right things. just keep doing them. you're perfect just the way you are. :)

Sorta Southern Single Mom said...

My heart hurts for you and I so get it. We need to plan a coffee date!

Lisa @ Two Bears Farm said...

I think we all struggle with being satisfied enough. You're definitely not alone.

Leigh Powell Hines (Hines-Sight Blog) said...

Such a well written post, Andrea.
I think we all go through these emotions.

JDaniel4's Mom said...

There are things I would love to work and change, but just like you I want my child to learn to be content. I need to be the one to teach him that by my example.

Anonymous said...

I hear ya gf! How can I still look the same 10 years later, when I resolve to myself at least every second day that I will change and be better and lose the weight!? And why are people who are totally inactive still much smaller than I am?

Liz @ A Nut in a Nutshell said...

I would hazard to guess that most of us share this kind of thinking. It's just so hard...

Erin said...

Not just you, Andrea...i have 3 daughters and I share the same anxieties and worry about the example I'm setting. It's hard. REALLY hard.

you are NOT alone.

Hugs, mama!
xoxox

JMS said...

My heart hurts after reading this post! You are you! Everyone (or so I hope) struggles with this from time to time. Even though I'm at my healthy normal been here for 10 years pre baby weight I still struggle with the same questions you posed.

jana said...

This is beautiful. You are beautiful. I'm so glad the timing was right on this prompt.

jana said...

This is beautiful. You are beautiful. I'm so glad the timing was right on this prompt.

Andrea said...

I struggle with never being satisfied enough too. It's not easy!! You are strong & teaching your daughter so much!
This is a beautiful post :)

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