Saturday, February 16, 2019

Depleting.

divorce, coparenting, emotional, therapy, loss, exhaustion, finding my way, you can do it

Divorce is depleting.

Someone in a group I am in said that this morning, not in those exact words, but more along the lines of when someone reacted to something divorce related - how depleting that was.

Is.

Feels.

Depleting.

Damn.

That is the G-d's honest truth.

Divorce is exhausting.

Draining.

Emotionally taxing.

Depleting.

No matter how amicable it may be.

No matter how easily you coparent.

No matter.

No matter.

No matter.

It.

Is.

Depleting.

Depleting = to deplete.

Deplete.


divorce, coparenting, emotional, therapy, loss, exhaustion, finding my way, you can do it, depletion

Look at these synonyms.

Exhaust. Use up.

Consume. Expend.

Spend. Drain.

Empty. Sap.

Milk. Suck dry.

Evacuate.

Deplete.

Damn.

If you are an individual who has lived through a divorce of your own, you know.

You know that it's a whole other way of life.

You know that it's draining.

You know that even if it was your own choice - your own request - your own initiative.

You know that it hurts like hell.

You know.

There are many couples who remain in contact.

Many couples who are amicable.

Friends, even.

Friends.

Imagine that?

I can. And yet. I can't.

And yet.

It's so so very different than the world that you expected to live in your entire life upon saying those two simple words.

I do.

I do.

But then.

I don't.

You don't.

We don't.

The love has been depleted.

And in this mode. In this mindset.

So. Much. More. Depletes.

So much slips.

Right.

Through.

Our.

Fingers.

Depleted.

divorce, coparenting, emotional, therapy, loss, exhaustion, finding my way, you can do it, depletion


Divorce is depleting.

Exhausting.

But we each find our way.

We each make it through.

You will, too.

Depleted.

And then.

Strong.

Filled up.

Energized.

Ready to take on the world.

Again.

Tuesday, February 12, 2019

Parenting: You're Their Safe Place

Good day, friends. I've got some valuable information here for you. I hope you'll take a few moments to read, and possibly share, if you think it will benefit others, as well.

This piece is the first part of a new series (possible multiple posts hopefully = a series) that I'm writing about parenting. What you are about to read is related to the really young ones. Children of grade school age, and younger. I'm not being age-specific because our children develop differently, only you can determine if I'm referring to your child when you read my words. But I remind you that there are many other aspects of parenting where parents - maybe one - maybe both - maybe other adults in our children's lives - represent the safe place for them. Stay with me and I'll be sharing more on those scenarios, too. Soon.

parenting, toddlers, motherhood, childhood, fathers, mothers, emotions, mental health, family, parenting frustrations


---------

If you are a parent, this information is for you.

You may think you don't need it anymore, but trust me, someday you will again.

You'll think to yourself, oh, remember when Andrea said I'd need that reminder. What was she saying again? Oh, right. I'm their safe place. Right.

*nods enthusiastically*

When our children are young - like really tiny, but old enough to have their own little minds and voices - we often hear things like:

They're such angels. 

They were on their best behavior. 

They were a pleasure - I hope you'll bring them back again soon. 

And then you, mom, or you, dad, get home and find that those little angels?

HAVE COMPLETELY VANISHED.

You'll ask yourself a number of questions:

Where did my sweet baby go? 

What the heck is happening here?

But, but - the teacher/daycare provider/camp counselor/grown-up who just handed them back to me with a smile - JUST SAID HOW INCREDIBLY BEHAVED THEY WERE.

WHERE DID MY SWEET CHILD GO, Y'ALL?

I'm here to tell you.

Your sweet child is still in there.

Still in that tiny body that is wailing loudly because you didn't let them play with their toys before they washed their hands.

Still in that loud screech you hear because they WANT THAT - whatever that may be.

Still in that flailing pint-sized person who is about ready to hurt themselves and ends up hurting you, instead.

I know. I know. You're thinking, Andrea, tell me something I don't already know.

Well. Maybe I will. And maybe you already DO know this, but needed to hear it from someone outside of your family home.

They do this because you're their safe place.

They're so overwhelmed. Exhausted. Cranky. Maybe happy, even. And they don't know what to do with all of these emotions. They are on overload. Sensory or otherwise. And they just can't decide to do anything but whatever they're doing.

Honestly. They really and truly cannot do anything else in that moment.

You know they don't mean it, right? The things they say. The punches they land.

Oh, the punches.

I've seen many a child, my own included, flailing so hard, lashing out at their mother or father and ultimately making contact - in a way that throws the grown-up so that tears spring to their eyes.

This isn't fun, y'all.

Not. One. Bit.

But the reason our children do this in our presence, in our homes, in our arms, even - is because we're their safe place.

We, their parents, offer them UNCONDITIONAL LOVE.

And no matter how old they are, they know that.

They know that whatever they do, we will love them, we will be there for them, and we will take care of them, always.

And no, these little ones don't actually stop, think, truly process all of this.

They just KNOW.

So as much as you're struggling, feeling the pain (and I hear you, sister/brother/friend, I have SO been where you are), and wondering if your child will ever turn into a functional older child, teenager, or young adult?

You have done something RIGHT.

You have shown your child that you are their safe place.

They can be themselves with you.

They can show you what is rolling around inside of them.

You're the person who will always hold them close - even when they are so busy trying to figure out the rest of the world.

Remember. They're so so very little.

They see everything else as being so so very big.

But you. As big as you are?

You're their safe place.


* Andrea Bates, LCSW is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker in the state of North Carolina. The information in this article is not to be used in place of working with a mental health provider. The information shared here is also not to be used as a way for you to assess your child, but as a reminder that our children are each quite complex, and often exhibit behaviors that upset and frustrate us, beyond their own understanding. Should you determine you need such support for yourself, as a parent, or for your child, to help meet their needs and want to find a mental health professional to assist you, consider checking Psychology Today to locate a provider in your area.

Monday, February 4, 2019

There's No Such Thing ... Let's Talk Mental Health



Listen, friends, I never ever pretend to be the therapist to all the people.

I don't.

I tell people I work in mental health.

I tell people I'm a therapist.

But I don't heal anyone.

I don't want to *fix* anyone I'm dating.

I don't want someone who meets me to think I'm instantly going to be analyzing them in a professional manner.

But listen.

I'd be lying if I said I didn't analyze people.

So would you.

It's how we connect with each other.

How we learn about one another.

And how we determine who we want and don't want in our lives.

Tuesday, January 8, 2019

Explore.

travel, one word, thoughts, emotions, single mom, mother daughter, vacation, work, business travel, flying, airline travel, life, family


I have never done a word for the year before.

I often thought about it. Figured, what better way than to pick a word to focus on as I faced a brand new year? Different than resolutions. More flexible. More relaxed. Just one simple word.

But nope.

Never happened.

And then this year came along.

At the end of 2018 I found myself making plans for 2019.

Thursday, January 3, 2019

Defining Family.

grief, family, loss, divorce, relationships, connections, in-laws, spouses, extended family


When a couple has been together for a long long time - their families intertwine.

His family becomes her family.

Her family becomes his family.

I use his-her because that is the couple I was a part of.

But know that this applies for his-his relationships, and her-her relationships.

And yes. I know. It does not happen all the time.

Sometimes families remain divided. Separated. Distant.

But. Not always.