Sitting In The Stillness

My goodness.

This.

Someone said this today.

And in reading it I found the exact words I needed.

Maybe she said sit, but still ... (pun not intended).

That's it.

That's where my life has changed so.

There have been so many firsts.

So many things I'm experiencing all on my own.

But this. This is it.

Sitting in the stillness.

I didn't do all the things all the time.

Didn't run around all weekend every weekend.

And yet, on these days. These quiet days.

The ones when I'm home alone with my daughter and feeling guilty.

Or the ones where I find that I am at home, completely by myself?

That's what it is.

I find the difficulties fall in sitting in the stillness.

I'm comfortable with being still.

Whether I read. Write. Watch TV.

Move around the house without direction.

I'm okay with it.

I always have been.

And yet.

It's so very different now.

So different.

It's me.

Just me.

Sitting alone.

And there's no one to talk about things with.

No one to process the week with.

No one to sift through feelings with.

And maybe I'm imagining.

Maybe I never really did much of that at all.

But it's missing.

And when I'm home with my daughter and feel as though I'm lacking?

Those days hurt.

They're the days when I try to find myself and see that I'm missing.

I feel as though there is so much more I should be doing with her.

But we never actually ran ALL the time.

We just did stuff.

And I wonder, is that what's missing?

But it's not just that.

That stuff is okay to *miss*.

The spending money unnecessarily because we'd go to a store for nothing we really needed.

The looking for things to fill a void we didn't know existed.

It's the sitting in the stillness.

Those are the moments my mind goes forward.

Those are the moments I wonder. I think too much.

Those are the moments I find tears streaming down my face.

Thoughts of what used to be.

Six months into this I'm okay.

I really am.

And yet. I still struggle.

Sitting in the stillness.

When I Grow Up

I'm a big girl today.

I just had a new washer delivered all by myself.

I thought in advance about certain things and took care of them as needed.

I'm a big girl today.

I didn't let my emotions run me over while finding my way.

I'm not sure what else I'll need to do to maintain this feeling.

Some days I feel like I'm all alone - floating with no anchor.

Other days I feel grounded.

Knowing the concrete beneath my feet is my truth.

Some days I feel like the mom who knows everything.

I teach my daughter right from wrong.

I show her. I model for her. I explain.

And other days I raise my voice.

I feel guilty. Mom guilt is the worst, you guys.

And I fail. And so I quit.

But I can't quit.

I'm a mom. I'm not allowed.

I take breaks. I educate myself.

I learn all the things.

Informed. I must be.

Find ways to hold onto what's important and find ways to let go of what is not.

I'm a big girl today.

But I don't always feel that way.

And on the days that I don't, I wonder ...

What comes next for me?

What will my mind absorb?

What will my heart experience?

When will my body soar?

When will I truly know?

Because when I grow up I expect to.

I expect to know all the things.

To feel all the things.

To experience everything.

To fly.

To soar.

To breathe.

To be.

When I grow up I'm going to do all the things I want.

When I want to.

And when I grow up I'm going to feel like me again.

Whole.

Real.

Raw.

Open.

Accepting.

Unafraid, and yet, terrified.

When I grow up I'll feel all these things.

And so so much more.

Today I Remember

Today I remember.
The sirens.
The blue sky.
The sun shining.
The frantic phone calls.
The fear in voices.
The impossible feel of it all.
Buildings crumbling.
Watching in silence.
Reaching out to others.
Bad cell service.
Texts sent into the abyss.

Today I remember.
The shoes I wore.
The blocks I walked.
The friend I walked with.
The fear I felt.
The smell of the air.
The blue of the sky.

Today I remember.
Watching people reunite with loved ones.
Watching hands reach out to others.
Buying gallons of water.
The sound of the subway coming back to life.
The walk to my apartment.
The tears that fell.

Today I remember.
And I'll never forget.

My Daughter Is Ten

* I wrote much of this piece several weeks ago. I was on vacation visiting family and so much was happening in the world that I wrote it - but decided to wait to hit publish. I couldn't come up with the right words to finish it. And so, now I believe that I have. But it will never be "finished" - as we all have so much more to learn about, discuss with, and teach each other. *

How?

How is this happening in 2017?

I know that truly, racism has never gone away.

I know that truly, anti-Semitism has never gone away.

But these effing monsters.

They're not people.

They're heartless.

They're hopeless.

They're horrifying.

My daughter is ten.

Car Shopping With Cars.com

* This is a sponsored post on behalf of Cars.com. Images obtained from the cars.com website. *

If you know me well enough - you know I'm not a driver.

Yet.

But you also know that one of my goals is to get myself behind the wheel and get out there - and in doing so I'll need a vehicle of my own to drive around town in.

Which is exactly where Cars.com comes in!

I love that Cars.com immediately offers up information on nearby dealers so I can figure out where to go before leaving the house.