Stay.

* Content warning: mental health; suicide; grief; loss.

It's the holidays. It's the most wonderful time of the year. 

And it's also the most difficult time of the year. For so so many people. 

So I want to take a moment to speak about the *check on your strong friends* posts, AND the *please talk to me if you need someone to talk to* posts.

Mental illness knows no truths. People die by suicide because mental illness takes control and teaches us to believe the things in our head we cannot seem to question. We can't seem to fight hard enough against.

People do not die by suicide because they don't have loved ones checking on them.

They often DO. 

But they just don't have the capacity to feel that is enough. They don't have the energy to keep fighting. They don't believe they deserve to. 

I know these types of posts are shared with love. I've shared similar ones myself. This time, though, I remind you. Remind every single one of you. 

Please stay. 

Stay.

Even if you can't talk to someone in this very moment. Even if you're scared. If you don't know how to let someone help you. Try. See yourself as others see you. 

Stay. 

If you are in need of support, please call the national suicide and crisis lifeline at 9-8-8. 

Stay.

Or text HOME to 741741 for someone to talk to without having to actually speak with your voice. 

Stay.

Please let someone see you, hear you, help you. 

Please. 

Stay. 

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Is It Time To Find A New Therapist?

Recently I was reading some comments on a friend's Facebook wall and I noticed someone mention that they had been working with their therapist for six years, and felt some sort of loyalty to that provider. 

But the tone, and the comments? Left me (and other therapists) thinking that perhaps this relationship was not the best for this person. 

And that got me thinking.

And thinking. 

And thinking some more. 

How many people out there are seeing their mental health providers for what might just be too long?

I would liken it to your hairstylist. 

I know many people who are very loyal to their hairstylist.

They feel that to go see someone else would be cheating on them.

I've actually heard the words said. 

I've heard of people switching salons to avoid coming face-to-face with their last stylist. 

I don't have that kind of loyalty, mostly because, well - have you seen my hair? I don't exactly have a stylist like that. 

But that's besides the point. 

Would you return to your stylist repeatedly if they guided you to a style you hated?

Would you go back more than once if they messed up your hair to the point of unfixable? 

Probably not. 

So. Why would you remain loyal to a therapist who has given you all they have for you? 

Why would you consider seeing them, week after week, month after month, year after year - when their words don't seem to be helping you lead yourself anywhere? 

Would you? 

Have you? 

Are you? 

I'd like to remind you that it's okay to find yourself a new provider. 

And I encourage you to consider these five things when you're trying to decide if it's time to make a change. 

Five Signs It's Time To Find A New Therapist

1. You dread going to your sessions. 

Granted, early on in therapy we can find ourselves wishing we didn't have to go. These are the days where we need it the most. We fear our therapist is going to call us out on something. Dredge something up we're not sure we're ready to talk about. But that's not the same as actual dread. Feeling like you'd rather do anything else besides go to their office, take their Zoom or phone call, whatever that feeling is? Speak it. Acknowledge it. There's a reason for it, and you're not going to benefit from forcing yourself to go when you don't want to talk to this provider. 

2. You repeatedly walk out of sessions with no action items. 

You don't have to have a list of things to do or think about every single time you leave your therapist's office. But if you haven't come up with new things to focus on for - well - a long long time? It's probably time to let go. Your therapist should be supporting you, giving you space, but also, offering you ways to help you guide yourself towards your goals. You can't reach them if you're not taking steps towards them. 

3. They're flat out unsupportive.

It's one thing to find yourself facing a challenging therapist. Many of us ARE that way. We're challenging you to find your best self. We're bringing you to those points where you may hate us for what we've said to you - but usually you'll find your way through that and realize where we headed is where you needed to go. So. If your therapist is not supportive? It's time to find a new one. Period. 

4. You're going in circles. 

Again, this is something we all experience. As clients. As therapists. Sure. But if you find that you can't break the circle, you can't find a way to shatter that box that holds you in? Make a change. 

5. You don't like them.

This sounds like the most obvious of reasons, doesn't it? But this should probably have been the first one I pointed out. Because this can happen right off the bat. If you go to a therapist and immediately have a bad feeling, or if you are quite certain, after leaving their office, hanging up the phone, or whatever type of communication you just had, that you never want to talk to that person again? Please. Don't go back. 

You're under no obligation to do so. Every therapist knows they won't be a perfect match for every client they meet. And that's okay. 

Because YOU have to be comfortable. YOU have to feel like you're okay with talking to this person. YOU have to feel heard. And YOU need to know that it's right. Because if it's not - you're not going to get what you need out of it. Don't go out of obligation. Don't go out of worry. Concern. It's not your job to protect your therapist's feelings. They'll be fine. I promise. 

Have I missed anything? Let me know if you've had this kind of turning point with your mental health provider and how you broke through it. What did you do when you realized it was time to move on? Are you in that space currently and find you need help processing? Give me a shout. I'm here to listen. 

For more information on mental health, consider these posts:

10 Truths About Mental Health

10 Things To Know Before Your First Therapy Appointment

We Need Each Other

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Home Alone.

Oooh, friends.

What a time it is to be alive, don't you think?

It's so overwhelming.

So exhausting.

So draining.

So confusing.

And so so very - strange - especially if you live alone.

Now, granted, I have a daughter, so my first week of "quarantine" was not solo.

But she has been with her dad for a few days - and wow - it's really really different being here by myself.

I'm not writing this for anything along the lines of: oh, you poor thing.

That's not why I'm writing about being home alone.

I'm writing because I want you to consider your surroundings.

I want you to consider your family members, your friends, your neighbors. I want you to consider all of the people in your circles who live alone.

Again. I'm not asking you to worry about me. Have you SEEN my Facebook wall lately?

I'm fine.

* Plus I am working so much right now that if you call me I am 99% certain I would not have a moment to answer - so - really - I'm okay, I promise. Also, update: My daughter is now home with me. Yay! *

But there are so many people out there who aren't.

Isolation becomes a joke when we talk about it with respect to introverts.

Oooh. They love this! They work from home! Live at home! They totally prefer their 4+ walls to anywhere else!

No, friends.

If you have an introvert friend who lives alone? Please check on them.

See if they need anything.

See if they want to video chat with you.

Because 4+ walls and no other human faces?

That's not exactly introvert life.

Because even your favorite introverts leave their houses now and then.

Even your favorite introverts have people they enjoy being close to.

And right now - during this pandemic time in the world we're living in - unless those people live in the same homes as they do? They're not getting to see those people. No smiling faces. No collaborative laughter. No arguing over the remote. Deciding where to grab lunch.

None of it.

So. Please, if you would.

Check on your people.

*The extroverts, too! Because they are for SURE struggling.*

They're home alone.

And they are struggling.

Remind them that they're home alone - but they're never ever truly alone - okay?

Just those few words will mean the world.

Trust me.

Stay safe and healthy and hydrated, y'all.

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Please Donate To Your Local Food Bank.

Of course you've seen the stories.

Local shopping cart filled to the top with toilet paper! Story at 11:00!

Chaos ensues at *fill in the blank store name* - hand sanitizer aisle completely EMPTY!

But what about the food?

What about all the groceries you've bought for you and your family, in case - in case you end up stuck at home like you're in a few inches of ice in North Carolina!

What about the food?

More importantly, what about the people who can't afford to stock up the way that you can?

Can you pick up a few extra boxes of pasta, bags of rice or beans, cans of soup or vegetables, and donate them to your local food bank?

Because food insecurity is a real thing.

And as district after district close schools across the states, we need to know that the children are being fed. And that their families are being fed, as well.

There are many items that could benefit a family or individual in need.

Consider the seniors in your area, those with new babies, and those unable to stock up on all of the paper products like you did.

This graphic below is from the Food Bank of Central and Eastern Carolina, which is my local food bank. I have been volunteering with them for several years as a social media ambassador, and am proud of the work that they do supporting those in need in our community. Take a look at these suggestions - grab a few - and then find a food bank near you.

And if even thinking about heading to the store is just too much? Or if getting to the food bank itself seems impossible? Consider making an online donation.  Whether you do so to Feeding America, the organization which supports food banks across the country, or to your local food bank, the money you contribute will help feed those in need. And there are so so many people who could use your help.

March is National Nutrition Month. What better time to help ensure that children, adults, families everywhere are supported in their journey towards healthy eating?

Please consider sharing and showing your support today.

Your community needs you.

Thanks, y'all.

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Mental Health: Suicide in the News

I wrote a post this morning on my Facebook page.

I explained the importance of paying attention to what we share about loss of life to suicide, especially when it's all over the news.

I explained how triggering these types of shares can be for the general public. General, every day people in our lives who read these things, watch the commentary and think to themselves, wow.

My own feed was full of speculation, judgment, biased observation, and links to articles filled with much of the same. And me, a therapist who has not experienced thoughts of taking my own life in any manner, has not experienced this kind of pain, *I* found it quite triggering. Painful, even.

I shook my head a lot.

Thought of my clients, people I've worked with over the years, who have experienced thoughts of harming themselves. Thoughts of ending things.

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Community.

This morning I was catching up on Instagram Stories.

I like to see what my friends are up to, and yes, some of these people I watch and check up on I do consider friends. Not just blogging boos or celebs that I keep an eye on, or expert chefs and the like.

And I caught some clips of Kita in the Dark with my friend It's Really Kita.

She was talking about community.

I told her that I thought she just gave me the prompt for my next blog post.

And so here I am.

The part of her story that jumped out at me first was the mention of the dreaded ole' emergency contact.

Goodness.

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Intentions.

We all do things with good intentions.

I started blogging for the month of November and fell a bit short.

I didn't feel horribly disappointed. Life got in the way. I did my best. And that has to be good enough. Right?

It happens sometimes.

We do our best.

We try.

We feel as though we fall short.

We watch others succeed and are SO FREAKING HAPPY FOR THEM.

And we insist that we're not experiencing the 'why not me?' feelings.

And that's true.

I believe that.

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Thank A Veteran. Any Day.

Today is (was) Veteran's Day.

And it's so very important and every year I write something on Facebook and I mean what I write and today - I just - I didn't feel like anything I was going to say would be enough.

Because we don't say thank you to our veterans as often as we should.

And we don't listen to them and hear them as often as we should.

And it's hard.

Look. I know y'all have so much happening. I know that in today's world it is impossible to do everything for everyone.

But without the individuals who serve in our armed forces we would not be the country we are today. We would not be living the lives we do today.

And so - today is just one day - but saying thank you more often than that would be such a simple thing to do.

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Saturday. In The Park.

My daughter and I did a charity walk this morning.

It was the perfect day for it.

Even got a bit chilly after a while.

Like, actual fall temperatures chilly.

And look at those colors.

It even LOOKS like fall here in North Carolina.

Shocking, I know!

Now - the important stuff - why did we walk?

We walked today in support of UNC Children's Hospital.

I'm a member of the UNC Children's Hospital Digital Influencer Advisory Board, and this is the first time I've been able to stand up and be counted on behalf of this incredible community. I was so proud to participate - and thrilled to introduce my daughter to the incredible work that UNC Children's does for the families they support.

Today's walk for #UNCChildrenshospital was a lot of fun. It was chilly and overcast, but no rain! The kiddo and I enjoyed wandering around the #Raleigh course and then returning to the park for face painting and bouncing around. It's not too late to help #SupportUNCKids - let me know if you'd like to contribute and I'll direct you to our donation page! #motherhood #parenting #365feministselfie #fitnessselfie #fitspiration 👟 #itsfallyall 🍁🍂🍃🌾#longhairdontcare #happinessis #familyselfie

A post shared by Andrea Bates (@goodgirlgonered) on Nov 4, 2017 at 1:59pm PDT

UNC Children's is a top-tier academic medical center that works to deliver world-class family-centered care to all families - regardless of their ability to pay. 

You can still make a donation to support the every day efforts of UNC Children's Hospital, whether you do so through my fundraising page or their general website.

And I know this is an abbreviated post, but in all honesty? I should have written it earlier.

And?

I'm tired.

But to wrap it up I say thanks to my friend Lisa of A Daily Pinch for inviting me to be part of this advisory board and the event. It's a privilege to be considered for such an opportunity, and I look forward to spending more time introducing you to the incredible community that is UNC Children's in the future.

P.S. Here's a quick pic of me with Lisa today. It's been years since I've seen her, so a hug and some quality chat time was required!

* I was not compensated in any way for this post. My role on the UNC Digital Influencers Advisory Board is completely voluntary and I receive no compensation for any support I give to the organization. * 

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Mental Health Matters

IMPORTANT REMINDER:

If you are in a place where you feel unsafe or if you believe that you are a threat to yourself because of your illness. PLEASE. Please call 9-1-1 immediately.  

Today is World Mental Health Day.

Today. Tuesday. October 10, 2017.

It's a day where my FB feed was flooded with proclamations.

A day where friends reminded one another of their own experiences with mental illness.

A day where the world stood together for a few brief moments to remind one another that we're not alone. Where so many of us across social media and beyond took the time to say:

Me, too!

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Friday Free Write: Summer Writer's Block

Ugh. It stinks.

Summer Writer's Block.

I'm living it right now.

I have three posts in draft form in my batter's circle and I simply cannot push publish on any of them.

They just don't mesh with what I feel like saying or sharing right now.

One of them is a book list that's unfinished.

You'd be surprised at how much work book list posts are.

I know, I'm not trying to say oh-woe-is-me. I promise. I love talking books. Simply love it. But to make that beneficial to me and my site I need to really work hard at giving you more than a list of books or some pretty covers to look at.

Or do I? What do you like about book lists and recommendations?

It's been a while since I've done a book review. Possibly since before March. I've had a lot of stuff going on in my world and books have not been at the top of my list when it comes to things to talk about. I've written lists, whoa - how many times can I type the word list anyway?

This is definitely turning into more of a free-write kind of post. Which is fine. It's like Free Write Friday. Huh. Maybe I'm on to something? Are you in?

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Go With Your Heart

Just wanted to share some thoughts.

I got fired up the other day in a response to someone leaving a group that I'm in. This individual made  an announcement about leaving, shared a controversial video, and included a comment about intolerance in a group where tolerance is front and center, in my opinion.

And I know it's who I am to defend people and causes and places I care about - so maybe I reacted too quickly, or maybe my words weren't my finest - but - and this is a big one - I went with my heart. 

And that's an important part of what we're doing there [in that group]. We're going with our hearts. We're there because somewhere in our hearts we determined that we needed to educate ourselves. Because somewhere in our hearts we recognized that we need to be doing more. Learning more. Finding ways to educate our children and loved ones. Finding ways to be there for our children. For the children of others.

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Mother's Day: To All The Moms

This week I'd like to share some notes on motherhood I've written. Some of these posts have been shared before on other websites. Links to those sites have been noted at the end of these posts. Some pieces have been shared here on my own blog, but are things I feel deserve another look. Some are just brand new shares on being a mom. Join me in celebrating mothers.

Source: pixabay... en/super-mami-mama-bebe-arms-happy-951190/

To all the moms out there. 

Happy Mother's Day.

To the new moms. The ones who are trying to decide if they're doing anything right.

We see you. Happy Mother's Day.

To the Mama-To-Be. Expecting her first. Second. Third. Whichever addition to your family this baby is - it does not matter. What a blessing. What joy.

We see you. Happy Mother's Day.

To the woman trying to become a mom. Aching. Yearning. Pulling out all the stops. 

We see you. Happy Mother's Day.

To the mother who returned home without her baby. A loss impossible to describe. But one you've been given no choice but to bear. 

We see you. Happy Mother's Day.

To the single mom, spending her first Mother's Day with her child. Alone. Thinking back to years gone by. You're recognized. Celebrated.

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The Role of Empathy in Peer and Clinical Support

* Author's note: I do not and would not claim to be, nor have I ever stated that I was or am, an expert on all things mental health related. That said, I'm writing this from experience - both, as a social worker, and a volunteer in various aspects of the mental health world. I would appreciate some grace as you read this so I ask you keep that in mind and know I do not judge YOU for the work that you do. I just encourage you to keep learning, working towards the goals you have set for yourself, and respecting all others along the way. *

Working in the mental health field is a role that I wouldn't train for anything in the world.

I truly believe that this is the place I belong.

I love my clients. I love working with people at different stages of their needs, different levels of support. All of it. I love the feeling I get when I hang up the phone and recognize that they have recognized that the work they're doing or have done MATTERS in the scheme of things that is their life.

I also love the volunteer work I do. Supporting women who are experiencing or have experienced perinatal mental health disorders is something I'd give up for - well - for absolutely no reason that I can think of at this time.

And honestly? I hope to combine the two in some way in the not so distant future.

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Postpartum Mental Health Resources

To those of you out there today sad and hurting? I am thinking of you.

But I pause and share a very important reminder to the women out there who are worried about the moms who need help?

Google.

I don't mean this in a condescending way, but yes, I do know how it sounds.

Except I said it to myself.

Keep reading. I literally just Googled. For like an hour (give or take). I searched for the following terms and these are the sites and resources I found. And look, really look. Because Postpartum Progress is among them. The site still stands. The information is STILL there. Mamas in need, their family members, loved ones? They will find help.

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Still A Warrior

You may be bored with me, dear readers. You may have had enough.

And if that's the case, that's okay. I can take it.

If you are a part of my community of women, mothers, who wakes up today confused, hurt, angry, struggling? I am with you.

I am trying very hard to remain a voice of reason. I am trying so hard to see both sides.

I know what I am saying and have said publicly.

I do.

I say, repeatedly, that I stand with women of color. And I do.

And I know that to some of you it doesn't make sense.

How? How was this about women of color?

What happened?

How did she suddenly become the object of everyone's anger and hatred?

And I know. I see you.

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Taking a Moment. Taking a Stand.

Friends, to some of you this will not make any sense.

I start off by saying that I am okay. I am fine. But I know many people who are not fine today, and so, I take my space and use my words to speak to this. Because it's important that I do.

I am emotionally drained from a situation I have watched unfold from pretty close to the front lines - one that impacted someone I care about very much - many someones, in fact - and because of that I felt a need to address others who might be feeling the same way that I do. That I have.

I am so so tired. In the small window of a few days so much has happened in the world I surround myself in, and I, me, a white woman who is not truly 100% impacted by what has happened? I am tired.

But this is not about me. Not in many many ways. But when you're a mom and a woman and a volunteer, and you see so much happening around you and you want to take a stand and support the women you love, and your heart is torn in two different directions and you don't know what to say or do? You hurt. You hurt for those you love. And for those who you may not even know.

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Why I Will Wear A Safety Pin

I will be wearing a safety pin. I will be, but I am not judging you if you don't. And I am comfortable enough to do so even if you don't believe me when you see me wearing one. I am 100% okay with you looking at me funny when I wear it. And I'm okay if you roll your eyes. It's also just fine with me if you don't trust me when you see it.

Do you know what I'm talking about?

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To My Friends Who Live With Chronic Pain

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Understanding Facebook Privacy Settings

This has been on my mind for a bit I have been noticing that people tend to share my Facebook posts fairly freely without taking note of my privacy settings. This isn't so much a problem for me, as it could be for them when they share and others are unable to see what they've actually posted. So ...

I'd like to start off by stating clearly that if you are on a Facebook page, those posts are completely shareable. In fact, that's what the page host (blogger, brand, business owner) WANTS you to do. The more shares the more exposure. The more exposure - the better a chance that someone finds their blog or business and decides to like or follow their FB page. And the more people doing that? The better their insights and visibility - and possibly revenue - if they're that kind of business, brand or blogger.

What I'd like to touch upon here is the Facebook setting aspect of posts that most of us see and want to share. The ones on the walls of our friends and family members.

Facebook has privacy settings, however minimal they may be, for good reasons. They're set up with the best of intentions.

And granted, we often see the posts our friends comment on. EVEN if they are not public.

It makes no sense at all, really. Why does FB let our friends and connections see what we say on the posts of our other friends and connections?

Pages? Certainly. That's how they do.

You comment on my Good Girl Gone Redneck Facebook Page and I WANT your friends to see that. Because maybe it will interest them and maybe they'll toss me a like or even better, engage with me and we'll make a connection!

But if you comment on my personal page I will never really understand why your friends might see that. And for the most part, they don't, but still, it's so weird.

But now - back to sharing - if I, Andrea, share a post that someone else has shared? Or an image that someone else has shared? And their privacy settings are open to the public? You will see their entire post. The link. The photo. Their commentary before-hand. You can even click through to their post and see the comments people have made on it. Although, trust me, beware when you do this. It's not always a fun place to find yourself.

BUT.

If I. Andrea. Write up a post of my own. Share a link on my own. An article I found important or interesting. Or share a piece I've written just for my Facebook peeps?

You can't really share that. There are some breakdowns for what you can pass along - so I'm going to walk you through those here.

Five Things You Need To Know So You're Not Talking To Yourself On Facebook

1. I share a photo of my family. 

You're not tagged in the photo, it's just me and my child. This is set to private. To friends only. You cannot actually share this. Not even if you're the child's grandparent. You can share it to your wall, but the only people who will see it are people who are friends with me. So if we share mutual friends? They'll be able to see it and like/comment. But if you're wondering why nobody is liking our beautiful girl's photo? It's because it says something like "attachment unavailable" when they look at it. They don't know what my photo looks like and most people are too embarrassed to say so, because they think it's their fault or something. It's not. It's my fault. I set it up that way.

2. I share a photo and I tag you in it. 

Depending on your own privacy settings, it may or may not show up on your wall. If you have things set up the way I do, you have to approve the post before your friends can see it, too. Smart move. You may have those friends who tag you on everything. That one extra step is no biggie. Now, there is no real need to share this pic again. I've already tagged you - and if you approve it your peeps can see it, too. But should you decide to share - they'll see it again. I guess.

3. Link sharing. 

I've read an important article and I think you should read it, too, so I share it on my wall. Links will always be shared on Facebook. You can take that post and share it to your wall or your page, or both. BUT. My commentary will not be included with it when you do share. So saying something like: "I agree, Andrea" and including the link -will only have your intro and the link to the piece. The only way that's not the case is if I change my settings to public. It's super easy to tell what the piece you want to share is set to. Just look up at the top of the post. If the little circular globe is there as a privacy setting, it's public! Share away.

4. Image sharing from other sites/people. 

If I share an image that I find hilariously entertaining or extremely important, it's likely I've done so from a public page. In which case you can share that same image w.o any issues. However, like with links, if I've set it to private you will not share my words that introduce the image. This is FB's way of making you do the work. ;)

5. Sharing from groups. 

More often than not you will not be able to do this. If you're in a public group? Go for it. The content is available for any- and everyone to see. If you find a post shared in the group that comes from a public page? Click to the original post and share from there. That will work, too. But if someone shares an image or a link in a group and you try to share directly? It's not going to work. Many groups are set to closed or secret, and that's so the content shared and the discussions that take place are only seen by those participating in the group. It's a setting to protect the privacy of group members. So you cannot share that content. If an article is shared in a group you're in and you really like it and want to share on your own wall? Go grab the URL from the article directly. Or click the website's FB share button. And take it from there. It's a guaranteed share!

So - there you go. Five things you need to know so you're not talking to yourself on the book-of-face. I hope this has been helpful. If you think it has - would you consider sharing it with your friends? On Facebook, perhaps? All you need to do is copy this link right here:

http://www.goodgirlgoneredneck.com/2016/11/understanding-facebook-privacy-settings.html

And paste it into a new post/status update on Facebook. Write your own intro and hit publish. And thanks in advance.

Any questions? Please leave them in the comments.

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