When I Grow Up

I'm a big girl today.

I just had a new washer delivered all by myself.

I thought in advance about certain things and took care of them as needed.

I'm a big girl today.

I didn't let my emotions run me over while finding my way.

I'm not sure what else I'll need to do to maintain this feeling.

Some days I feel like I'm all alone - floating with no anchor.

Other days I feel grounded.

Knowing the concrete beneath my feet is my truth.

Some days I feel like the mom who knows everything.

I teach my daughter right from wrong.

I show her. I model for her. I explain.

And other days I raise my voice.

I feel guilty. Mom guilt is the worst, you guys.

And I fail. And so I quit.

But I can't quit.

I'm a mom. I'm not allowed.

I take breaks. I educate myself.

I learn all the things.

Informed. I must be.

Find ways to hold onto what's important and find ways to let go of what is not.

I'm a big girl today.

But I don't always feel that way.

And on the days that I don't, I wonder ...

What comes next for me?

What will my mind absorb?

What will my heart experience?

When will my body soar?

When will I truly know?

Because when I grow up I expect to.

I expect to know all the things.

To feel all the things.

To experience everything.

To fly.

To soar.

To breathe.

To be.

When I grow up I'm going to do all the things I want.

When I want to.

And when I grow up I'm going to feel like me again.

Whole.

Real.

Raw.

Open.

Accepting.

Unafraid, and yet, terrified.

When I grow up I'll feel all these things.

And so so much more.

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