Friday, April 6, 2012

What happens next?

"Thank you for walking me home."

"Sure. Any time." Clara laughed softly. It was bizarre how comfortable she had become with him in just a few short hours. Or maybe even more so that she had felt it from the moment they had met.

"You really are quite the gentleman."

"And you're quite the lady," he chuckled. His goofy grin making her laugh even more. It was as if they were in an old romantic comedy together, their faces giving everything away. Romantic comedy? She gasped. This was her sister's - well - something. "I should go," he shifted uncomfortably. Was she imagining? 

"Not coming in to see my sister?"

"Uh, no. I'm thinking she's probably still out partying. If I know her she'll probably end up staying out tonight. So you shouldn't worry if you wake up and she isn't there. That's kind of her M.O." She nodded, deep in thought. "You okay?" Another nod. "You sure?" She smiled. 

"Are you always this intuitive?" He laughed, a big, huge guffaw type of a laugh. "Well?"

"Nah, I just have a good read on you, I guess." She raised her eyebrows at him, conjuring up another laugh. Much softer this time. "Must be from knowing your sister as well as I do." She blushed, but wasn't quite sure why. The innuendo? The comment about knowing her? Bah. He's just a big flirt, is all. And yet ... 

"Would you like to come in?"

What was she doing? Why did she say that? Had she lost her mind? Asking her sister's "whatever" in? I mean, seriously. Could she be any more desperate? He wasn't saying anything. He wasn't moving. What an idiot she was. How could she be so stupid?

"I'm sorry - I didn't mean to put you on the spot. Forget I said any --"

Her words dropped off as he reached for her hand. 

"Sure. Why not?" She was sure her eyes had widened as their skin made contact. He backed up a bit. "Unless you've changed your mind?"

She shook her head as she took his hand and they walked up the front steps together.  

This post goes along with the story I've been writing about Clara. I'm answering this week's Write on Edge prompt re: a little bit of romance.  It falls into place somewhere after this post about Nate and before this post titled Annie's Sister.


  1. I like this. I think you did a great job with the dialogue and capturing the uncomfortableness of the situation. You have hinted at how the sisters relate to each other, without stating it overtly.

  2. I love where you took this prompt. My suggestion: the conversation seemed muddled because it wasn't easy to see who said what.

    Also, in the "thoughts" you switched back and forth between she and I. "I mean, what was she thinking?" Was this in reference to her sister?

    Still, I love your voice here and adding that uncomfortable forbidden moment will add a layer of tension/suspense to the relationships between the three and spice to the story. Great job!

  3. Wow, loved this, especially the nuances of something that might happen that shouldn't happen. Nicely done :)

  4. I like the way she analyzes his behavior and her reaction to it. Or her perceived over reaction maybe.

    Did have a little trouble sorting out who said what at one point, maybe a little clarification would help. Might just be me.

    Good writing, I'm interested to see where this goes.

  5. I could see this ending up badly. The sister coming home early, seeing them together...pooh huh, drama!

    My only critique was the dialogue. It was a bit tricky to follow who said what. An easy fix though by shifting sentences and maybe adding a tag or two.

  6. Mmm, saucy! Lots of intrigue here. I look forward to reading more!!

  7. Like some of the other commenters, I had a little trouble with the dialogue, too, but those are easy fixes with a litte more tagging/splitting paragraphs.

    One thing that doesn't ring true to me is him telling her about her sister's M.O. I feel like she would be familiar with that herself, though I haven't read all of the pieces connected to this story.

    I liked your pacing here; you showed some of the inner turmoil she's feeling and didn't rush the end but left me wanting to know more about the story.

  8. Like others I too had some trouble with the dialogue but I loved the story! What happens next should prove to be rather interesting!

    With the dialogue try a new line for each phrase that is spoken by the characters. This will help break it up and let the reader know who is speaking.

  9. ooooooh, this is getting good! I can't wait to see what happens now that they're inside ;-)
    I didn't have trouble with the dialogue...

  10. Andrea,

    I agree that the dialogue is confusing. I kept going back up to try and reframe who was saying what to whom/about whom. I also don't know the background of the story and will look at the other links shortly.

    I love the heightened sense of something forbidden. You carry that off very well. Because I definitely can't wait to see/read what happens next. Your dialogue, though confusing, is real and well written. I don't have a sister, but I can't imagine doing this---intriguing story line.



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