Tuesday, January 14, 2014

I think of you.

It's been three months now.

Three months since you've been gone.

I'm shocked that that much time has gone by. I feel the loss fresh as if it were yesterday.

I am triggered so frequently by the most random of things.

Walking through the grocery store I stop to pick up cantaloupe. I have no idea how to know if it's good or not. Fresh? Ripe? I want to call you but I can't.

I'm still in the produce section. Last time I was here I picked up parsley and couldn't find the dill. This time I grabbed celery and asked where the dill was. I found the real regular parsley. I wasn't sure what else I was missing. Where are you when I need you? Why can't I just call?

I walked yesterday. Hit the almost two-mile point of my stroll around the neighborhood. It was a gorgeous day. Absolutely beautiful. I checked my phone quickly and there you were. A beautiful shot of the girls and you from the last time they saw you together.

My heart cracked and I started to cry. As I walked.

I cried. I walked. I cried and walked.

I felt the need to push on. To show you I could do it. And so I did. Two miles.

Today I changed into clothes to work out. The sky is crying. It feels my pain. I tossed on my Bite Me tee from Joe's Crab Shack. I wanted to take you there but it's so far away. This summer, I thought maybe, but we didn't get to go.

Cotton Eye Joe. They play it. The servers dance in the aisles of the restaurant.

You needed to see it.

I'm not sure I'll ever be able to go back.

I'm pretty sure I won't want to.

It's a random sense of guilt. The things you'll be missing. I wish I could rewind time and bring you back so you could do them all. Each and every little thing.

But time doesn't work that way.

We're not allowed.

And it sucks. Royally.

The pain doesn't go away. The hurt and the ache.

The heart is broken. It will always be a little bit broken.

Some days I see you. I imagine you. Picture your smile. Hear your laugh. G-d, how much I loved it when you really and truly laughed. It's one thing that can make me smile. Now. Months without you. Without hearing your voice. I hear your laugh ... still.

I love you, Daddy. I miss you. Come visit me in my dreams when you can.

p.s. I finally watched this video. All these years and we never saw it.

Here is is, Pops, just for you. Enjoy.

* I'll be linking this post up with Shell's Pour Your Heart Out over at Things I Can't Say. 


  1. I just want to give you a big hug. I've said those words, cried those tears, felt those feelings, and really connect to each word your wrote.

    Let yourself do all those things...whenever you need to, for as long as you need to. Love that strong, love between a daughter and her father, is missed for always. He is always with you and he will come to you in your dreams. When he does it is so beautiful. Love you! xoxo

  2. "The sky is crying. It feels my pain."...
    babe I wish I had words to comfort you. Know that I'm always here to make you giggle about how I fell on a box of candy canes.
    I love you. Even though those emotions are difficult, it's ok to feel them. Letting someone go, is never easy but we are all holding on to you. xoxo

  3. I'm sorry. I so know the pain.

    The world's biggest cliche--but the truth--time brings the good memories and stops the horrible aches though there's always... The dreams--good and bad never seem to stop

    My mom died a month after 9/11 very suddenly and sadly. I lived in Manhattan and she lived on the Queens/Nassau border. It was hell.

    I found that blogging helped more than anything. I could frame and reframe the story.

    I met so many incredible people.

    And actually moved from the UWS to coastal South Carolina. That also helped and I wouldn't have done it without the love and support of bloggers.

    Use your blog. It doesn't matter what you say. It doesn't matter what people say to you. It just helps!

  4. Thank you so much for sharing your words and your hurt with us. I am so sorry for your loss.

    ~ Lisa

  5. Huge hugs! I am so sorry for your loss!

  6. I get it. And it is doesn't really get easier, just different. Less acute I would say. I am sending you love my friend.-Ashley

  7. Powerful words that make my heart break. Praying for your pain!

  8. I'm so sorry. Hopefully the wonderful memories that you have will give you comfort. This truly was beautiful. Hugs to you.

  9. Oh, girl. I'm so sorry for your loss. I hate that you are going through this. Sending you so much love. xo

  10. So sorry for your loss. It's so hard to lose a parent. I've now lived longer without my mom than with her. It hurts still and I miss her so much.

  11. This post was so emotional, I had to fight really hard not to cry with you. Sorry for your loss.


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