Saturday, December 1, 2012

Lost in loss.

I looked back at my posts for this past week and was like, wait a minute - where'd I go?

I only posted once. It's a book review. Go on and read it, I'll wait ... (just scroll down or click previous post or whatever it is you do). I know, you're like the many who need a link, right? It's all good, you can read it later.

So I'm supposed to be getting into the holiday spirit, but I'm not sure I'm there yet.

In fact, I'm starting to feel in a funk. I'm moody. Irritable. Sad. Just plain sad.

We lost a family member this past week. My mom's aunt passed away. She was a generation removed from mine, ya know? My grandmother's sister. My grandmother who I lost many moons ago. For a long time I was close with one of their other sisters. She, too, long gone now. And now this final removal from that line. This connection, torn open. Flailing in the breeze.

How else to explain it?

She wasn't my mother's mother, but she was her aunt.

I lost my aunt several years ago. It broke my heart, and I hadn't really been in constant contact with her. It still tore me open. Up inside and out.

My mom spoke to her aunt every single day. We're talking multiple times a day, in fact.

Imagine that loss? I'm sure many of you have experienced it. In some ways. In your lives. If you haven't, you're so lucky. Seriously. It's a gaping hole and it sucks.

I don't know if it's just losing my great aunt that has me in this hole, but it certainly isn't helping.

My heart hurts because I'm not there to hug my mom. Remind her that despite this loss her love was felt and she will always carry memories in her mind and heart. So maybe this is that note? I don't know.

I just know it's the holiday season and I should feel it, and instead right now I feel lots of sadness for this loss, and am lacking enough words to remind people to tell your loved ones you love them, stay in touch, especially the oldest generations.

Mom told me that her cousin reported that my great aunt had TONS of pictures of my daughter and my niece and me and my brother and our families and my parents and so on. My mom and I did that. I never left her off my list. I never ignored her role in our world. My daughter spoke to her on the phone, blew kisses, said I love you. We laughed together.

I remember when I became a mom. Her questions about me nursing. Her encouragement to give "the baby food" ... the first tip telling me she gave her son cereal at a reallllly wee age. I laughed. Okay, okay, I'll consider it. Sure. Don't worry. She's eating. She's healthy.

I laughed. Told my mom. We chuckled. A whole other generation.

Words of wisdom that were laughed at - but we knew she meant well. And we loved her for it.

And I still do. Still will.

We'll miss you, Aunt Becky. I hope you're up there partying hard as you reunite with the sisters gone before you. Raise a glass to all of us here, thinking of you and hoping beyond hope that you're done with the pain. And when you see this? Because I know somehow you will ... Give my Nana an extra kiss for me and my little one, would you, please? And Aunt Annie, too. Tell them both I found the right guy. And I've got a beautiful family.

And I love them. And I love you.

And so my mind stops, my train of thought ends here ... because sometimes you just have to believe.

* And this picture is totally backwards because I took a picture of a picture from my laptop. I know, whole-heartedly, that I was on her left and my mom was on her right. I can flash back in an instant to remember this moment from my wedding day. Isn't that strange, how it works? But hey, that figures. Backwards is a little bit of how I'm feeling so why not look the part? You can laugh now. It's okay. I totally did.


  1. It touched me, reading this very special post about your feelings on the loss of your dear aunt. I am so sorry for your loss.

  2. Oh,Andrea. I'm so sorry for the loss that you and your mom are feeling and the hole your great aunt's passing has left in your lives. This was a really moving tribute to her.

    Your advice about the older generations in our families is so spot on. Sometimes life gets so busy it's easy to forget to send cards and photos and keep them connected to us. I have not done that lately the way that I should, and I need to change that.

    I'll be thinking of you.

  3. I'm so sorry for your loss. It sounds like your aunt was a fantastic woman. <3

  4. I'm so sorry for your loss. I can relate to that feeling of being sad and in a funk. I found out an old friend lost his battle with cancer last Monday. The same day another friend was diagnosed with breast cancer. It has been a hard week and I'm finding it hard to find my holiday spirit, as well.

  5. My mom lost her aunt last week as well... expected, but it was a real blow to Grammy and now it appears that she will not make it to Christmas.

    I am sorry my friend, I understand more than I want to, KWIM?

  6. What a beautiful, moving post. It sounds like you have a very close family-such a blessing. I'm sorry for your loss.

  7. Hi, there! Don't worry--you're not alone when it comes to what I like to call The Holiday Funk. I think it's because the season just puts so much pressure on us to be over-the-top excited, happy, crafty, you-name-it... As a result I tend to feel Scrooge-esque. But, no one likes a Scrooge, especially at Christmas, so I forgive myself for not being as Christmas-happy as everyone on Pinterest seems to be :) Everybody celebrates in their own way. I really enjoyed the honesty in your post and am sorry for your loss.

    Big hug!


  8. Your aunt Becky sounds like a very special person. I'm sorry for your loss.

  9. I am so sorry for your loss and for your mother's loss. Last year, right after Thanksgiving, we unexpectedly lost my aunt. My mother and my grandmother were devastated. They talked on the phone with each other daily and were huge parts of each other's lives. This year everyone is feeling the loss again, the wound is reopening, as the holidays roll around. Hang in there. Shake off the sad memories and try to focus on the good ones. She was loved and she knew it.

  10. I cannot imagine the loss of a loved on but I can feel it when what it is to miss a loved one.

  11. She sounds like an amazing lady!


Comments are like air to a writer.

So please - say something - help me BREATHE!