Tuesday, September 23, 2014

Wrestling with G-d.



The new year is coming.

A new year without you.

I find this to be unacceptable.

I find this to leave me wallowing in my head and heart in a place where grief lives.

I've been out and about these last few days.

Traveling.

Smiling.

Enjoying myself.

I had you with me. Always.

I wear your "name" on my neck.

Like I've been branded, perhaps?

Dad.

People see it.

They smile.

Some know. Nod knowingly.

Hug me.

Others - surely unsure - say nothing.

That's okay.

I don't need everyone to ask.

I'm the only one who really needs to know.

I'm rambling now.

I'm trying not to get to the point of expressing how much I miss you.

Rosh Hashana starts tomorrow.

The first time without you.

I can't.

I just can't.

I suppose I will.

But I just can't.

I have so much to say. So much that I am thinking.

I know you wouldn't want me to think it or feel it.

But how can I celebrate a new year. The Jewish new year. Without you here?

I'm angry.

I'm mad.

I'm still Jewish.

But you're not here.

You're not on the other end of the phone to wish me a good year.

Happy and healthy.

We said it every.single.time.

Took it for granted.

Be careful, I told you.

Be careful.

You walked.

You returned.

So many words. So many prayers.

Recited days and nights before.

The days. The nights.

So many years of so many words.

So much love. Blessings.

Hands held.

Laughs stifled.

These days are you.

You are these days.

How am I supposed to even feel them without you?

I end here.

I could write forever.

But I end this here.

I love you, Daddy.

And I miss you beyond all the words in the world.

L'Shana Tova.

11 comments:

Patty said...

Sending so much love your way. {{{Hugs}}}

LB Present said...

I wish you peace on your heart as it aches. I'm so sorry your a Dad's gone from here :(

Michelle said...

I'm so sorry for your loss and I hope you find peace in the holidays..

This is a lovely tribute. You obviously loved deeply and had love returned.

Sharon Greenthal said...

I lost my father in 2007 and every year around the high holidays, which coincide with the date he died, I miss him terribly. I haven't found a solution other than to just allow myself to be sad and miss him, and say a prayer and light a Yarzeit candle. Losing a parent is something you never really get over.

Elin Stebbins Waldal said...

I love what you wrote. It's raw. And it's real. Be patient with yourself. Although each of us have our own course to chart when it comes to grief, sometimes it helps to know that you aren't alone. You most definitely are not alone...
Wishing you strength. And hope you find ways to celebrate all the love that you and your dad shared during the holiday.

Rena McDaniel said...

I wish I could say it gets easier my father died when I was 15 almost 30 years ago. I still cry for him, I still miss him. So I'll just say you get a little more numb. I wish I could take both of our pain away and give us wgat we really want but I can't so I will just say I'm sorry and I will be thinking of you.

Jenny Gaskell said...

Thinking of you my sweet friend. Hugs.

Rachel Withers said...

Too many of my friends have lost parents this year. I don't know how you feel, but I think expressing your feelings helps. Shava Tona!

Stephanie said...

Oh Andrea. I so remember these feelings. Hugs, my friend. :(

Tanya @ Moms Small Victories said...

What a loving tribute to your dad. May the new year bring you health, happiness and healing.

Twingle Mommy said...

Hugs to you. Holidays always remind us of the people who are missing. I don't think it is something we get over, we just learn to live through it. I love it when a memory pops up that makes me smile through the tears. It reminds me that they are never truly gone as long as we keep them in our heart.

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