Tuesday, September 23, 2014
Wrestling with G-d.
The new year is coming.
A new year without you.
I find this to be unacceptable.
I find this to leave me wallowing in my head and heart in a place where grief lives.
I've been out and about these last few days.
I had you with me. Always.
I wear your "name" on my neck.
Like I've been branded, perhaps?
People see it.
Some know. Nod knowingly.
Others - surely unsure - say nothing.
I don't need everyone to ask.
I'm the only one who really needs to know.
I'm rambling now.
I'm trying not to get to the point of expressing how much I miss you.
Rosh Hashana starts tomorrow.
The first time without you.
I just can't.
I suppose I will.
But I just can't.
I have so much to say. So much that I am thinking.
I know you wouldn't want me to think it or feel it.
But how can I celebrate a new year. The Jewish new year. Without you here?
I'm still Jewish.
But you're not here.
You're not on the other end of the phone to wish me a good year.
Happy and healthy.
We said it every.single.time.
Took it for granted.
Be careful, I told you.
So many words. So many prayers.
Recited days and nights before.
The days. The nights.
So many years of so many words.
So much love. Blessings.
These days are you.
You are these days.
How am I supposed to even feel them without you?
I end here.
I could write forever.
But I end this here.
I love you, Daddy.
And I miss you beyond all the words in the world.