Wednesday, June 20, 2012

Trying to breathe

My house is closing in on me.

Whenever I think I'm catching up I notice that I'm totally not.

I know I should step away from the computer and clear yet another surface, but when I look at them - coming back to life with new clutter - day after day after day - I just wonder why I bother.

And then my child.

The child I love SO very much.

G-d, I love my daughter. I'm sitting here fighting tears as they approach the surface.

Because I hate how frustrated I get with her sometimes.

She's non-stop. She doesn't stop talking. Moving. Acting and reacting.

And I'm blessed. I know I am. I feel I am. I AM.

But dear G-d, sometimes I am SO freakin' tired. So ready to go to bed. And then I realize I haven't taken a single minute for myself yet today. Or yesterday. And yet, I have spent some time online. Diving in, beyond the surface, to the place where my friends live.

Am I doing it to avoid my child? Some days it feels like that. Like today, maybe. And it's wrong. I shouldn't do it. But I am normal. I'm a mom and I do.

I've spent almost of my child's 5+ years with her. At home. Entertaining her. Engaging her. Finding ways to keep her busy, happy, motivated. Excited. Enthused. Less than bored.

And I'm tired. I'm kind of finding myself ready for her to go to school.

Is that wrong of me? Maybe.

Are there people who probably sit, shaking their heads, offering nothing more than an 'I knew that would happen,' when what they really want to say is that they told me so - but they bit their tongues well enough that they didn't ACTUALLY tell me so. Ya know? Those people? They're out there. They're not quite wrong.

I suppose in some ways I did this to myself. I am truly lucky to have had the opportunity to make the choice that enabled me to stay at home with my child. She is very well-adjusted, interacts well with others, she's had loads of playdates, groups, classes and the like. She's friendly, fun and sweet. She's mine and I adore her.

But add her clingy and neediness in with the hoarder-lite mode I'm trying to bust out of these days and I feel like I'm trapped in a bubble. One that I need out of and can't seem to break through.

But this weekend I get some time away. I'm looking forward to it - and I know that's normal. And yet I know I'll be sad to leave her - and that's normal, too.

So I'm torn.

I'm all out of faith,
This is how I feel.
I'm cold and I'm ashamed ...
lying naked on the floor. 

Deep inside I'm torn. 

Totally butchered those lyrics. With apologies to natalie imbruglia.

** Important note ... I wrote this last night. I was drained. Exhausted. Battling a child who didn't want to sleep. This morning is a new day. I came downstairs, my house isn't as horrible as it was in the dark of night, it's amazing how nighttime hits me like that and I want to go on a cleaning frenzy but am too damned tired to do so. And how the exhaustion creeps in and the day fills my body, mind and soul, and my child fights closing her eyes and the frustrations escalate and ... well ... you get the picture. But today I move forward. Finding positives and love and more. I hope you do, too.


  1. Wow. I felt the same way last night. My house has been in this in-between state due to a bug problem we've been dealing with for six months. Can't put anything away. Surfaces covered. And my sweet boy didn't nap yesterday, which amplified his new 3-year-old behavior. Bad night.

    I'm glad things are better today.

  2. Coping is just that much harder at night when the exhaustion sets in and life can seem so chaotic.

    I completely understand where you are coming from. I work outside of the home and yet there are days when I am just watching the clock, waiting for bedtime because I am done in.

    You are a great mom!

  3. so, yeah, this is me. Every Sunday night. Because I can hardly stand another minute of ALL KID ALL THE TIME and I only have him all days on the weekends since I work full time.

    I can't handle two days in a row.

    So, to me, you are pretty much amazing and inspiring and wonderful and perfect.

  4. big, giant hugs. You are human. Allow yourself to feel everything you need to feel. <3

  5. It's normal! It's not easy to stay at home and give everything you have 24 hrs a day! Sounds like you need some "me" time! Hope you get some soon!

  6. You are SO not alone in this thinking. It's so great that you wrote this and added the info at the end do other mothers could learn that this is normal

  7. My house is right there with yours... the clutter is closing in...and I think the feeling ready for her to start school is part of the natural growing process of getting ready to let her go!

  8. You know I don't know about this sort of thing specifically, but I can say that anything in life can become difficult and grueling, and I think it's a shame when we can't complain about it from time to time. I think it's the biggest shame for moms. Like if you complain about it, it must mean you don't love your child, which clearly, isn't the case. Don't apologize for feeling tired and beat up and craving "me" time. It's soooo normal. I don't have kids and I pout and crave "me" time and in reality, I get a lot of it. You are normal. :-)

  9. Oh this is so normal to feel this way. Sometimes I feel like I take the time I have with my son for granted because I am a SAHM. And I get mad at myself when I get frustrated or tired.

  10. the monotony and the sheer energy required to meet little people's needs 24/7 is exhausting. Give yourself a break :0

  11. You know what... I've felt like that so many times and I'm sure that I will feel like that again. I'm a working mom with 4 kids from toddler to teen and there is an unlimited amount of stress that comes with that.
    But each day is a new day and a chance for things to be better!

    Have a great weekend away!

  12. awww hun! if there is a mother out there that says she never needs a minute...well. i wanna meet her. it is totally normal. i am a working mom. only have fri-sun full days with mine. and sometimes i feel this way 30 minutes after getting home. hang in there.

  13. I hope this weekend helped you to feel a little more centered.

    I came home to a wreck of a house and I sort of want to go hide.

    It was nice to get to see you again!


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