Is It Time To Find A New Therapist?

Recently I was reading some comments on a friend's Facebook wall and I noticed someone mention that they had been working with their therapist for six years, and felt some sort of loyalty to that provider. 

But the tone, and the comments? Left me (and other therapists) thinking that perhaps this relationship was not the best for this person. 

And that got me thinking.

And thinking. 

And thinking some more. 

How many people out there are seeing their mental health providers for what might just be too long?

I would liken it to your hairstylist. 

I know many people who are very loyal to their hairstylist.

They feel that to go see someone else would be cheating on them.

I've actually heard the words said. 

I've heard of people switching salons to avoid coming face-to-face with their last stylist. 

I don't have that kind of loyalty, mostly because, well - have you seen my hair? I don't exactly have a stylist like that. 

But that's besides the point. 

Would you return to your stylist repeatedly if they guided you to a style you hated?

Would you go back more than once if they messed up your hair to the point of unfixable? 

Probably not. 

So. Why would you remain loyal to a therapist who has given you all they have for you? 

Why would you consider seeing them, week after week, month after month, year after year - when their words don't seem to be helping you lead yourself anywhere? 

Would you? 

Have you? 

Are you? 

I'd like to remind you that it's okay to find yourself a new provider. 

And I encourage you to consider these five things when you're trying to decide if it's time to make a change. 

Five Signs It's Time To Find A New Therapist

1. You dread going to your sessions. 

Granted, early on in therapy we can find ourselves wishing we didn't have to go. These are the days where we need it the most. We fear our therapist is going to call us out on something. Dredge something up we're not sure we're ready to talk about. But that's not the same as actual dread. Feeling like you'd rather do anything else besides go to their office, take their Zoom or phone call, whatever that feeling is? Speak it. Acknowledge it. There's a reason for it, and you're not going to benefit from forcing yourself to go when you don't want to talk to this provider. 

2. You repeatedly walk out of sessions with no action items. 

You don't have to have a list of things to do or think about every single time you leave your therapist's office. But if you haven't come up with new things to focus on for - well - a long long time? It's probably time to let go. Your therapist should be supporting you, giving you space, but also, offering you ways to help you guide yourself towards your goals. You can't reach them if you're not taking steps towards them. 

3. They're flat out unsupportive.

It's one thing to find yourself facing a challenging therapist. Many of us ARE that way. We're challenging you to find your best self. We're bringing you to those points where you may hate us for what we've said to you - but usually you'll find your way through that and realize where we headed is where you needed to go. So. If your therapist is not supportive? It's time to find a new one. Period. 

4. You're going in circles. 

Again, this is something we all experience. As clients. As therapists. Sure. But if you find that you can't break the circle, you can't find a way to shatter that box that holds you in? Make a change. 

5. You don't like them.

This sounds like the most obvious of reasons, doesn't it? But this should probably have been the first one I pointed out. Because this can happen right off the bat. If you go to a therapist and immediately have a bad feeling, or if you are quite certain, after leaving their office, hanging up the phone, or whatever type of communication you just had, that you never want to talk to that person again? Please. Don't go back. 

You're under no obligation to do so. Every therapist knows they won't be a perfect match for every client they meet. And that's okay. 

Because YOU have to be comfortable. YOU have to feel like you're okay with talking to this person. YOU have to feel heard. And YOU need to know that it's right. Because if it's not - you're not going to get what you need out of it. Don't go out of obligation. Don't go out of worry. Concern. It's not your job to protect your therapist's feelings. They'll be fine. I promise. 

Have I missed anything? Let me know if you've had this kind of turning point with your mental health provider and how you broke through it. What did you do when you realized it was time to move on? Are you in that space currently and find you need help processing? Give me a shout. I'm here to listen. 

For more information on mental health, consider these posts:

10 Truths About Mental Health

10 Things To Know Before Your First Therapy Appointment

We Need Each Other

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Intentions.

image source

Happy 2019, y'all!

This isn't a word of the year post.

I've actually come up with a word that I want to represent my mindset and plans for the new year, and that word will come. 

Instead, I want to talk about intentions. 

We all have them.

I'll do that tomorrow.

I'll call her next week.

I'll get back to that text. Soon.

And then.

Well. 

Time goes on. 

And intentions - as good as they may be - don't turn into actions. 

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Inspiration in the Darkness

So.

I did a January Whole30 and I felt good. And then I let February take hold and run me into the ground. I'm back to being the over-emotional me of 2017.

I have done six rounds of Whole30.

Six of them.

I lost a substantial amount of weight, I felt great, and I established a new kind of relationship with food.

And then something changed in my life. Something pretty damned huge.

My life. It's different now.

I experienced so many firsts, and I am still finding new things to experience.

Moments without. Moments with.

I am finding my way.

Making marks in ways I've never expected. Never thought I'd need or want to.

I'm sifting through the ashes. Finding the remains. Piecing them together with all that is new.

Pushing through the mud. Finding growth.

No mud. No lotus.

I'm allowing my scars to heal. Allowing new ones to surface. I'm not covering them up. Not right away. I need to confront them. I need to see them. I need to feel them.

But as I do I'm reminding myself. Inhale. Exhale.

I'm allowing myself to breathe.

We all need to breathe.

I'm watching the seasons change. Recognizing that nearly an entire year has gone by.

I'm looking for inspiration in the darkness.

And sometimes I find it.

Why Melissa Hartwig Inspires Me

If you've ever done a Whole30 you've heard of Melissa Hartwig. 

She's one of the founders and she's one of the people I enjoy following on Instagram. Not just because she's an author. A creator. But because she is real. She's human. And she speaks to us, her fans and followers, as if we're equals.

I know. I know.

We are. We're all human. We are equals.

But seriously, this woman is a fierce fit machine. And in spite of that - from someone who has not found themselves on that path at this point in their life - if ever - I still watch and learn. Absorb. And appreciate that she keeps it so damned real.

If you follow me on Instagram you know that's a hashtag I use often when it comes to selfies and motherhood. #keepinitreal is who I am. Or at least who I try to be. I don't do this for sympathy. I do it for reality. 

And today, well, yesterday, really, I was struggling. I was beating myself up, because after six rounds of Whole30 I felt that I should have had a handle on it in a way that I wouldn't look at myself in the mirror and ask what the hell happened. 

But that's what I do. 

And I know what happened. 

And I don't like to lay the blame on anyone but myself. And yet, sometimes, some days, some ways, I do. Because I didn't ask to fall off this positive path. I didn't ask to find myself knocked down several pegs. I didn't ask for this.

And so. I get angry. I get frustrated. But through it all I stay real. I stay true to who I am.

I almost decided to share Melissa's post on FB today, but then realized this deserved an entire blog post. And I hope it's okay to do this and embed her Instagram post in here - because damn, friends, it's so important. Any of you - all of you - who are trying something new and feeling like you're failing. Or trying something old, again, and hating yourself for not being perfect at whatever it is already. 

This. Melissa Hartwig wrote this for you. 

Re: my last #myfoodfreedom post, where I said it's taken me 7 years to arrive at this place of effortless balance: I occasionally hear people suggest if you need 6 Whole30s or you're still struggling 5 years later, you're doing it wrong. That if you can't "fix" your relationship with food faster than this, without the support or help of multiple Whole30s, you're going about it in the wrong way. • Had I entered myself into a food rehab facility, where all life stressors were removed and my only job was to work on changing my habits and healing my emotional relationship with food, I might agree. But let me explain what ELSE I was working on over that 7 year period, along with my Food Freedom: • Quitting my job to start my own business. Getting married. Discovering major issues. Spending years in therapy trying to make the marriage work. Digging into trauma from sexual abuse and drug addiction during said therapy sessions. Writing a book. Getting pregnant. Leaving home at 7 months pregnant. Returning. Having a baby. Writing another book. Doing a very public book tour side-by-side while filing for divorce. Divorcing. Going through a prolonged business split. Rebuilding myself from the ground up while figuring out how to be a single mom, run my business, and write two more books. • While simultaneously trying to create a healthy relationship with the ONE thing I used to rely on the most for comfort, as reward, to relieve anxiety, and to show myself love. So yeah, it took me 7 years. • If it takes you 9 Whole30s or 19 years to finally find YOUR Food Freedom balance, do not despair, because it's not like it's the only thing you've got going on. Keep working on it daily, diligently. Don't give up, because you choose your hard, and the other hard really wasn't working for you. Don't treat the Whole30 like a yo-yo, because that's not the path to Food Freedom. Go do some therapy, because that’s often necessary too. But if you're working it, really working it, even if all you can do is make one small effort on the toughest of days... don't let anyone tell you that you're not "doing it right." • #myfoodfreedom #whole30FFF #melissarants #melissaexplains7years @whole30

A post shared by Melissa Hartwig (@melissa_hartwig) on Feb 19, 2018 at 4:47pm PST

I wrote this entire post yesterday. Tuesday. February 20th.

Today I had my annual physical. I always spend the day before (who am I kidding, days, more likely) in slight trepidation. I love my doctor. I mean it, I do. She's never made me feel like crap. She's listened to me cry. She's supported me through a lot of stuff. And today was no exception.

And yet. I'm still concerned. Worried. About disappointing her. And, more importantly, myself.

So today I met with the student who was shadowing her first.

Am I the only one who does that?

It is always a great experience, except for that one time when the guy was a little - well, he was a GUY - and he was like a teenager and really cute. But that's okay. I survived.

Anyway, remember that students need to learn, too. If you've not been there you may not want to put yourself out there in this way. You might feel like a guinea pig. You're not. You're getting quality treatment from someone who is currently being supervised by your doctor and if you're not trusting your doctor to do that then how do you trust him/her to treat YOU?

Okay, and so I rambled.

Go figure.

Anyway, my doctor and her student supported me today as I discussed the year gone by, and I spoke about my plans for the coming months. My agenda. My goals. My focus.

And because of the inspiration I found yesterday - that which I shared here - I was able to truly speak from the heart and MEAN IT. I meant EVERY WORD. Every single word.

I'm inspired. It's a sunshine-filled day today, y'all. Thanks for riding it out with me. Let's ride the wave to better days together, shall we? Race you to the starting line ...

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Mental Health Matters

IMPORTANT REMINDER:

If you are in a place where you feel unsafe or if you believe that you are a threat to yourself because of your illness. PLEASE. Please call 9-1-1 immediately.  

Today is World Mental Health Day.

Today. Tuesday. October 10, 2017.

It's a day where my FB feed was flooded with proclamations.

A day where friends reminded one another of their own experiences with mental illness.

A day where the world stood together for a few brief moments to remind one another that we're not alone. Where so many of us across social media and beyond took the time to say:

Me, too!

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Ten Truths About Mental Health

Source: pixabay... /en/consulting-mental-health-health-1739639/

If you've been a regular reader of my blog you're bound to already know how important the topic of mental health is to me.

As a licensed clinical social worker, it's a given that this topic is not just a part of my professional world - but basically IS my professional world. And when it comes to personal discussions, you already know that I speak freely about how important it is to take care of your mental health.

For mental health awareness month, I'm participating in an effort with some other bloggers, coordinated by Brittany of Clumps of Mascara, to normalize the discussion about mental health.

And in doing so I've decided to share some truths about mental health - for those who might know nothing about what it's like to get help - or what it's like to struggle with mental illness - or - well - pretty much anything I can share I'm going to share here. Because for those out there struggling, it's helpful to hear these things (or read them, as the case may be here), and for those who aren't? It's important to those who are that YOU read them, too. And hear them. And know what your friends and loved ones are experiencing. So please - even if this doesn't apply to you - read on. You just might be able to better understand someone in your life who needs you to.

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A List of Important Self-Help Books

To say I've read a great amount of self-help books over the years would barely be scratching the surface.

A young woman in my 20s, living in Brooklyn, working in New York City, meeting new friends my own age and branching off into a career that wasn't quite what I was looking for?

Yes. I read a lot.

I'd even go as far as to say that some of these books are what set me on the path to switch careers - although it took me about a decade to get to that point - the notes I have (and yes, have kept) are the proof.

So I thought I'd share a handful of my favorite self-help books with you.

* There are Amazon links scattered throughout this post. If you decide to make a purchase I might make a few pennies - so I thank you in advance. *

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Dial Diaries: Ends as the New Year Begins

I fell slack on posting about the Dial Diaries experience here for you, my friends.


I started a post to cover Weeks 2 and 3 last week, and then it turned into nothing, as I just didn't really know what to say. Here's a link to my post from the first week, in case you're interested and might have missed it.

I think I went into this with too high of an expectation. I kind of thought there would be interaction between participants, along with some words from the "expert" aka "guide" aka Amy Hendel. Instead we got to log in, possibly post some questions for her if we had any, and I honestly have no clue (edited to update, I now, at the end of the program, have a small clue as I just saw a fellow participant comment on my Week 1 post!) who else is participating in this event. There's no camaraderie here. No connections. And it honestly makes me kind of sad.
Now, don't get me wrong, she [Amy - and no, we're not on a first name basis] seemed nice enough in her videos, and in her small excerpts that we - as participants - were given access to to inspire us or something. But she didn't really do much inspiring for me overall.

And it's been four weeks and we've only been shown 2 other blog entries / articles written by those participating in this program, so that's been kind of eh, as well.

But lest I keep complaining and seem ungrateful, I will share that week 2 was about skincare, and I did receive a surprise bottle of Dial NutriSkin body wash that I could give a test run. I liked it enough and it's hanging out in my shower. It's kind of minty, which is always nice, and has a cherry scent. Apparently cherry seed oil is good for your skin - or something.

And week 3 was about exercise. Or maybe I have those backwards. But I DID actually appreciate the reminder that it's important to move our bodies. I'd been working out a bit here and there, and trying to get myself moving to the point that I could notice a change in me. And it's working. Albeit a slow and steady climb, I've lost a mini-amount of weight since the four weeks began, and I will say thanks to Dial for motivating me to start a focus of this nature.

**More on that in a future post, as Santa bought our family a Wii for Christmas and I just ordered the Wii Fit Deluxe, too! Way to go, Santa! You must know we ate loads of those cookies we left for you. Oh, and the pumpkin muffins. And the egg nog - oh, wait, I hate egg nog. But hey, a Wii! Yahoo!**

Lastly, we're encouraged to find "me time," time for ourselves where we take the focus off of everyone else, remove ourselves from those around us and find time to be centered, etc. Amy encourages us to get organized enough to be able to find that sort of time for ourselves every single day. Can you imagine? I can't - but I'd like to be able to. I've been trying to do so this past week, and the previous weekend, as well, in fact, as my husband has been home for the long holiday weekends, so I've been able to find some time to just hide away upstairs with a game of Angry Birds to keep me entertained. And hey - it's working. At least until the wee one comes upstairs and crashes in on me. But that has to count for something, right?

So - wrapping up I'd like to thank Dial for my free sample, and for the chance to participate along with 99 other bloggers. I only wish I knew who those people were ... but hey, it's never too late to make connections, so that's what I'll have to try to do!

Happy New Year, Dial.

Thanks for being a small part of my kick-starting myself off to becoming a healthier ME.

** The opinions expressed in this post are completely my own. I have not been compensated in any way for my post or for expressing my opinions. I did receive the aforementioned shower gel from Dial, and I was to be entered in a trip giveaway after these four weeks had ended. I think we can all safely assume I'm out of the running for that one - right?**

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These are my confessions ... Part I.

I had an off day today. Not quite a fat day. Not quite an ickky day, but the kind of day that made me feel close to tears a few times. Not sure what triggered it.

Being home from vacation? Possibly. Gaining a few pounds while away? Likely. Wishing I could do more for my daughter on a daily basis? Surely.

Sigh.

Some days it sucks being me. Some days it's amazing.

I look at my daughter's face and feel overwhelmed that I created this beauty. That sounds so cliched, but you know what I mean if you're a parent. She lights up and my mood changes instantly. But I hate the anxiety, the nerves, the moods I sometimes experience throughout the day that shift on and off and turn things for her.

Some days I have little patience. Others I am able to shrug off nearly everything. Am I sending her mixed signals? Am I confusing her poor little self? Am I completely out of my mind?

Many of these characteristics I experience on a daily basis (or whenever they feel like surfacing) stem from my postpartum anxiety experience. Although for me it started during pregnancy. And certainly deepened after giving birth. My moods switched a bit, but I never fully classify myself as someone with postpartum depression, as my anxiety was much more intense. I feel like I'm holding my breath as I write this. I know what it will feel like to click publish, a mix of relief and anxiety all rolled into one.

I hate what my anxious self brings to the table for my beautiful little girl. I hate that some parts of my anxiety (which is not PPA related in this example) leaves me home-bound, as I do not drive. What sort of things am I cheating her out of because of that? So many, I am sure. I go through days when I wallow in self-pity, feeling like a total shit because I am literally a STAY AT HOME MOM. I never leave. We go for walks, we have people come over for playdates, but I'm home. ALL. THE. TIME. It's so unfair to her. It's not quite cool for me, either, but I hate what it's like for my baby. Sigh.

Anyway, I know I need to do something about it, and perhaps this is yet another "first step" at moving in the right direction. Putting it out there and sharing with you all, my friends, acquaintances, passers-by, so you know, that if you, too, have been through this, you are most definitely not alone. And so you know that someone else out there has the courage to share these words.

It's ballsy of me, isn't it? To just throw it on out there like this? Well, I had initially thought I'd start off a week of confession posts for myself. And I may still do so, but I figured Wednesday [or Tuesday night] is as good a day to start as any, since I am Pouring My Heart Out, anyway (Thanks, Shell!).

So take a minute or two. Reflect if you wish. Go say hi to Shell and everyone else opening up for you today. Or not. But let me know you stopped by if you'd like. I'd love to hear from you!

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It's probably not a good idea

To sit online at 1AM and self-diagnose. But I'm doing it anyway. After my umpteenth coughing fit of the night I came downstairs, tried to (sorry, TMI) clear my nose as best I could, and really need to take some cough medicine.

I'm quite sure I have a recurring case of bronchitis. But I have figured out that my 2nd sinus infection in nearly as many months has a name, as well. Chronic sinusitis. That is what I have. Seriously.

These are the symptoms, as per the Mayo Clinic. And if you're going to believe anybody, of course it's going to be them!

Chronic sinusitis symptoms include:

• Drainage of a thick, yellow or greenish discharge from the nose or down the back of the throat
• Nasal obstruction or congestion, causing difficulty breathing through your nose
• Pain, tenderness and swelling around your eyes, cheeks, nose or forehead
• Aching in your upper jaw and teeth
• Reduced sense of smell and taste
• Cough, which may be worse at night

**Uhm, yeah, as if I don't ever not have any of those symptoms!!! OK, well, the first one is kind of gross, and it's not all the time, but the rest, totally me. Sense of smell, practically been gone for months. Helps with changing diapers, but not with ensuring that said diapers don't on the toddler child for hours (not really) prior to being noticed.**

And then they say ...

Other signs and symptoms can include:

• Ear pain
• Sore throat
• Bad breath (halitosis)
• Fatigue or irritability
• Nausea

The signs and symptoms of chronic sinusitis are similar to acute sinusitis, except they last longer and often cause more significant fatigue. Chronic sinusitis is sinusitis that lasts more than eight weeks or keeps coming back. Unlike with acute sinusitis, fever isn't a common sign of chronic sinusitis.

**Uhm, yeah. Me, again. Guess what? When I wake up in the morning I feel like I can't breathe and haven't been breathing all night. Why is that, you ask? Well, thank you for being concerned. Probably because I HAVEN'T BEEN BREATHING ALL NIGHT! (Sorry, I really don't mean to take this out on you! It's just that I see an Urgent Care visit in my future and I'm not looking forward to it. I'd rather see my doctor, but when you don't drive, have a 2-year-old and hubby works like a fiend, well, it's not always an option, ya know? Again, truly sorry for snapping. Maybe I should find a doctor who'll toss in some Xanax with whatever might fix this sinus issue?)** [I have no clue why this paragraph will not bold no matter what I do, and at this point I have no mindset to address it, so take it as an assist from Blogger, who obviously feels I am being too hard on my readers and wanted to soften the blow!]

And how I LOVE this part: When to see a doctor?

You may have several episodes of acute sinusitis, lasting less than four weeks, before developing chronic sinusitis. You may be referred to an allergist or an ear, nose and throat specialist for evaluation and treatment.

See a doctor:

• If you've had sinusitis a number of times and the condition fails to respond to treatment
• If you have sinusitis that lasts more than 7 days
• If your symptoms don't get better after you see your doctor

**Dare I say that I'm all of the above? Last year, about a month or so into this blog I wound up with some scary steroid medication, but man, did it help. I'm about to go beg for it. Despite the chance that I could wind up w. a puffy face, gain like 50 lbs and turn into a fierce and screaming b!tch. I mean, as if I am not all of those things already, right?**

Anyway, that's where I'm at at what is now almost 1:30AM. Hope the rest of you are sleeping well. Maybe I'll take a snifter of NyQuil to get me some ZZZs. If only hubby hadn't already done that. At least one of us has to be somewhat coherent enough to hear the child. Sigh.

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