Life Takes Hold

Hello, friends.

I have not written in a while.

Quite possibly over a month. Maybe longer?

Life took hold of me and didn't let go.

I'm quite active on social media.

You know how that goes.

It's my norm.

Tweet

Keep reading »

Explore.

I have never done a word for the year before.

I often thought about it. Figured, what better way than to pick a word to focus on as I faced a brand new year? Different than resolutions. More flexible. More relaxed. Just one simple word.

But nope.

Never happened.

And then this year came along.

At the end of 2018 I found myself making plans for 2019.

Tweet

Keep reading »

Ink.

It's no secret that Jewish people aren't supposed to get tattoos.

I know that.

You (might) know that.

And I'll admit it.

I thought that I would observe that.

Follow that belief. Law? Tradition. Rule?

I thought I'd adhere to it for my entire life.

And yet, I sometimes thought, what would I get if I ever DID change my mind?

What would I do - what sort of marking would I want on my body for-permanently-ever?

I don't know.

Tweet

Keep reading »

Whispers.

image from pixabay

Some days there isn't much to say.

Some days I find myself falling asleep from the silence.

The eerie echoes of nothingness.

And on some days I whisper.

Hi.

Hey.

And I smile.

Some days I wonder.

Some days I think too much.

Tweet

Keep reading »

Falling Short.

I used this term with a friend tonight and got asked what I'm comparing myself to.

Or who against.

And she's so damned right.

And yet. I do it anyway.

Why do we do this?

This comparison thing?

It's not a game.

There's no winning or losing.

Who are we up against?

Who are we standing side-by-side with?

Aren't they our friends?

Our loved ones?

Those who support us and encourage us and listen to us with their entire hearts?

Aren't these the people in our lives?

So - falling short.

Why is it even a thing?

Because we've spent so many years comparing ourselves.

We - especially women - and I say this because it's what I know and who I am ...

We compare ourselves to those around us.

To those we know.

To those we don't.

Especially to those on social media.

We say to ourselves, I want to be like her when I grow up.

And suddenly, we look around and realize we ARE grown up.

But how can that be possible?

We're not there yet.

Where is there, anyway?

If I'm being honest - I'm not sure.

My "there" is in my own head.

Especially now.

Today.

This week.

This month.

This year.

Oh. This year.

I've fallen short more times than I can count.

More times than I can explain.

I don't always know why.

Or what causes it.

But I've felt it.

Lived it.

Breathed it.

Falling short stings.

It stings so badly.

Maybe even more when you have no idea who you're comparing yourself to.

Is it easier when you do?

I'm not sure.

I'm still trying to figure that out.

I'm still here.

Falling short.

All the while telling my friends that they're amazing.

Incredible.

And above all - or in spite of it - human.

We're all human.

So.

Who are we comparing ourselves to, exactly?

And how is it possible that we're falling short at all?

Isn't it just that we're being ourselves?

Living our lives?

Finding our way?

And then.

When we do.

We'll see we were there all along.

Where we were supposed to be.

Never short.

Never behind.

Never beneath.

Just.

There.

And isn't it possible.

Likely, even.

That that's exactly where I am, too?

Right there.

Right next to you.

Standing tall.

Even me, my 5' 2" self.

Tall.

And not really falling short at all.


If you need a woman in your life like my friend Dani you can find her at Ok, Dani and talk to her about the opportunities she has for you to hire her as your coach. This girl motivates and inspires like nobody's business. Or however the saying goes. Reach out to her. You'll thank me when you do.

Tweet

NaBloPoMo: Slight Detour

Yesterday I didn't post. I think it's pretty impressive that I made it this far with the kind of fall we've been having in my household.

But yesterday was one of my busiest workdays. And last night I ended up getting a chance to go see Coco - Disney/Pixar's latest animated film.

It was so cute, but that's neither here nor there right this second.

I didn't post.

Now, I did write a piece for another site I work for, but that didn't go live so I'm considering it a missed opportunity for me to complete an entire month of November.

That said - I'm okay with it.

I seriously have so many posts in the works right now.

I'm going to be participating in Houseful of Cookies again this year with Natasha of Houseful of Nicholes. So keep your eyes peeled for that post later this week.

Last year I shared the amazingly delicious Graham Cracker Pecan Toffee Squares. If you haven't tried them yet? Please go on and make yourself a batch this holiday season. I can promise you - you will thank me. You may hate me - but you'll still thank me.

I've also got a review coming up that local friends will absolutely want to see. I went to dinner at Maverick's Smokehouse and Taproom in Durham and it was delicious.

I'm overdue a few book reviews. I want to try to get through at least one of the Nonfiction November reads I'm in the thick of before November is over, ya know?

But for tonight I'm going to hit publish shortly. Because my kiddo is in need of rest, as am I. She's got herself a bit of a fever and I'm hoping it's the same 24-hr thing I went through a few weeks ago. Either way, I'm pretty sure I'm going to make myself some soup tomorrow. Possibly a few different batches. Or maybe I'll just do one a day over the rest of the lonnnng holiday weekend.

I have this post that includes 9 Soup Recipes to keep you warm and cozy this fall.

And I've also got my eye on this Flu-Fighter Soup from my friend Susan of That Susan Williams. That one might be first on my list.

And if you find yourself tired of turkey over the weekend and in need of something that'll cook itself? Head on over to my Crockpot Recipe Round-Up post and pick one of these eleven delicious looking recipes for your family.

So - there you have it. Day 21. Minus one.

Tweet

Reminiscing. Living. Questioning.

I spent a lot of time today reminiscing.

When you're a blogger you have an archive of many years of your life.

And if you're like me - maybe even memories written up of the years before that.

So so many memories.

So so many moments that I wouldn't change for the world.

Even though now, today, in this moment, I see that my world has changed so much.

I'm lucky to have had moments I've wanted to remember - even though right now I'm okay with forgetting.

Does that make sense?

Tweet

Keep reading »

I Need To Write Earlier In The Day

this image was obtained via pixabay

I'm so tired right now.

Today was a long long day.

I spent much of it doing parenting and co-parenting things.

My emotions wavered a bit on and off, but I did okay.

Tonight when my daughter returned home I was exhausted.

So very tired.

I should have written something sooner.

It's National Blog Posting Month, why didn't I write earlier today?

Because I was tired, dang it.

Super tired.

Drained.

Remember yesterday? That whole motherhood thing?

It got better, but I was still carrying some of it around with me.

That weight is a heavy one - for sure.

Anyway, I need to get better at this writing earlier in the day thing.

Because here I am. It's 10:00 at night. And I don't want to write.

But there's no way I'm going down on day 3 of NaBloPoMo.

Nope. Nuh-uh.

Not.

Me.

So.

Here I am.

Writing before I say good night.

Sweet dreams, y'all.

Or good morning - depending on when you're checking in and reading this.

When do you sit down to write?

Spill it in the comments and let me know what motivates you!

Tweet

And The Award For The Worst Mom Ever Goes To ...

You guessed it.

Me.

It's been a hell of a day here in my house.

It started first thing this morning.

I'm not living large right now.

Not loving life.

I probably wouldn't even be posting right now if it weren't for NaBloPoMo.

National Blog Posting Month.

Yep.

Every November.

Tweet

Keep reading »

One Plus One

When you are the parent of an only child you sometimes receive inquiries as to whether or not you're going to have another.

I can say that during my daughter's ten years, thus far, I haven't been asked quite as often as you might expect or imagine.

But I've thought - to myself - to others - that I wasn't done.

I've thought - surely - surely I'm meant to have another child.

But life goes on.

Things change.

This is not something I have shared publicly.

Tweet

Keep reading »

Words Of Wisdom From The Mother Who Overslept

The face of a mom who totally overslept, thanks Melatonin, and is relying on the graciousness of a friend to get my child to school. #365feministselfie Also, sneaky #catsofinstagram behind me. ^..^

A post shared by Andrea Bates (@goodgirlgonered) on Feb 22, 2017 at 4:53am PST

So, this morning I totally overslept.

And for the first time in her five years of school my daughter got a "tardy".

Tardy. What a weird sounding word. Don't you think?

And here's my wisdom coming atcha.

Tweet

Keep reading »

For Whom Do You Weep?

I sit here at my laptop, tears streaming down my face as I listen to the Hamilton Mixtape.

I weep. Openly. Loudly.

I sob.

Yes. Sob.

I try, every single day, I try to look for the silver linings.

And then - yesterday - we learn about some of the soon-to-be appointed staff members of our President-elect. And dear G-d. I'm terrified.

TERRIFIED.

My friends, my people, I know, you look at me and see a white woman. And that is fine. I am. That is who I am. But I am also a Jewish woman.

And while that is not the most visible of prejudices being shown around our country right now it's there. Damn it. It's THERE.

If you don't see it, please, look deeper. Look within yourselves. LOOK.

CAN YOU SEE IT NOW?

I stand with my friends of color who are struggling and fighting to be seen. I stand with my friends of mixed heritage who may pass (in their own words) as white, but feel the same hurt. The same pain. And I stand with my white friends as they band together to support the people in their lives who are visibly targeted. I STAND WITH YOU.

Can you see me? Will you stand with me, too?

Because right now - every day - but right now, more than ever, we're under scrutiny.

I am under the evil eye. And I won't sit by and let it happen. I won't. I can't.

CANNOT.

What do I do? How do I make it through this?

How do we stop this? It's so terrifying. Devastating. So damned sad.

I am here for you, my friends. I speak up.

Please remember me and mine. Please remember I'm here. And I'm being 100% honest with you right now. I'm scared. I've been scared for you. I've been scared for so many. And yes, I've been scared for myself, sure. As a woman I know fear. We all do. And watching the normalization of horrific behaviors of men towards women, perhaps even women towards other women? It's been awful. It has. And I know that my fears there, as a straight, married, white woman - I know they're not the same as what you feel. I know it. I accept it. I own it.

But goodness, can you see me? I'm afraid, too.

And I just needed to say so.

Tweet

Sunday Free Write: Because It's Okay

This post isn't going to be pinterest-worthy. It's not going to have beautiful images or links or anything fancy like that.

It's just going to be me.

Sitting down at my laptop on a Sunday night - writing.

I'm writing because I need to.

And because I believe that the world needs me to.

And because you should be writing, also. If you're so moved.

Tweet

Keep reading »

November Goals.

I'm doing it again.

I'm jumping in feet first.



I'm participating in NaBloPoMo again this month. I think the last time I did it was in March. And I was like - ohhhh nooooo - never again. But yes. I'm doing it.

My goal for November is to post every day.

One of my goals, anyway.

I'm in my tiny FB group and we're all encouraging one another and even if we don't get something up every day? That's okay. The goal is to WRITE again.

Tweet

Keep reading »

Parenting is hard, yo.

Parenting is hard, yo.

Sometimes you find yourself bending over backwards to entertain, to keep them busy, to bring the fun and joy into it all.

And some days they listen. And do. And say 'Mommy, I love you,' from the back of the car and you smile and feel blessed. 

And some nights they cry out for you, and they have a fever and you worry and they need you and so you stay. 

All night. Sleeping or not, by their side. 

Glasses on. Pillows missing. An instant crick in your neck.

Choppy night but you wouldn't be anywhere else. 

And then they are better. Thank goodness.

And you take them to see the fireworks because they really want to go. They've been waiting for days. Weeks, even.

And the next day you go to the movies. And the baseball game. And eat popcorn and cotton candy and custard.

All the things you probably shouldn't give in on but you do.

And the day after that you make plans. And she shows she doesn't know how to listen. And you're done. 

And it sucks. 

So very much.

Because it's a really long weekend and you have plans. You want to go out on the water, take her fishing and ride the waves. You want to do all these things and more. 

But you're spent. You're exhausted. You're tired and you don't understand why she switches from on to off and off to on and never gives you warning. Or maybe you just missed it. The warning. There has to be one, right?

Because she's six. And you say that you expect this, and yet you expect more from a six-year-old, and yet you don't, right? I mean, what should you expect?

Sigh.

And you find yourself near tears because you just don't know. 

And then you feel guilty because you wonder if this is your fault.

Because she is only six, after all. 

And so you question whether you were too quick to react. Too overloaded. Maybe it was your husband. Maybe it was you. Maybe it was the two of you combined. 

Maybe it really was her. 

And so you come home, and you wait. You issue her instructions. Directions. Hopes she can follow and you can still have your plans later today. 

Because it sucks when you have to reprimand your kid and then you lose out, too. 

You're home and you're reading or writing when you'd rather be out on the water yourselves. 

But you can't. 

And so there you are. 

Grumbling. Stressing. Thinking. Holding back tears and making sure they don't fall. 

You don't need to be crying. You're okay. You will be fine. 

You all will. The three of you.

It just takes time. 

There will be bumps and bruises and bumbles along the way. 

But you'll expect them now. And even if you don't, you'll get through them. Past them. Over them. 

Parenting's hard, yo. 

But you can do it. 

And you will. 

Tweet

AMC and OLTL are BACK!

** This post is part of a campaign I am participating in via One2One Network. I have not and will not receive compensation for this post. I will be entered in a drawing for a prize when my post is completed, but there is no guarantee I will win. I like soap operas enough that I figured I'd share this info anyway. Why not, right? All soap-related chatter below is my own, minus a few pieces of specific information provided to me for this post. **

Anyone who knows me knows I'm addicted to General Hospital.

But wait - you say - that's not what the title of this post said. I'm here for AMC and OLTL info!!

I know. I'm just trying to explain why I'm an expert in the world of soap operas. I've watched GH since before I was born. My own daughter knew the theme the minute she popped into the world. I've watched Days of Our Lives, Another World (long gone) and many more.

Because of that, again, I'm an expert, people.

And when I tell you that All My Children and One Life to Live have, like many a soap star, returned from the dead, like the Phoenix rising ... well, you'd better believe me.

Many fans were devastated some time back. How could you replace our soaps with MORE talk shows? COME ON! Doesn't anyone know what we like? Are the soap star-fests not enough clarification of how dedicated we fans are?

It might be rough to accept new characters. It often is. But having some of the old fan favorites return is going to pull everyone on in. Seriously. Take a few minutes to watch the previews. It's like your favorite old shows are back after a spring cleaning.





I'm loving the music. I'm also loving fan favorites like Jessie and Angie, Vicki and Clint, Bo and Nora, Dorian (AH! DORIAN! I've loved her forever!). Blair and Todd? Maybe? I honestly can't tell what the deal is with Todd. After his stint on GH I don't know what's happening with his character ... but he's here in these clips at least!

OM-GOSH! I just found this video which might be even better at getting you guys excited. Here's why these two shows are returning and how the cast and crew feel about it.



Plus check out the new hottie(s)! They're definitely reaching out to the younger audiences, as well. With this new half-hour online format the hopes of bringing in new viewers, along with old faithful fans is sure to be reason enough to spice up the episodes.

So - where can you find them, you ask?

I'll tell you!

AMC and OLTL will be airing via The Online Network starting at midnight on Monday, April 29th.

Each show will have their own Hulu page, as well, that you can find here:

All My Children Hulu Page

One Life To Live Hulu Page

One important piece of info for you guys ... if you used to watch these episodes in front of or with your kids or your little siblings, you might want to test a few out first. Since the shows have moved off of network television there's a chance for some profanity (profanity! cool!) and more "adult content" than we're used to seeing. Nothing to deter you, but just an important reminder I was asked to pass along.

So - what do you think? Will you be tuning in?

** This post is part of a campaign I am participating in via One2One Network. I have not and will not receive compensation for this post. **

Tweet

By a thread.

This morning I'm hanging on by a thread.

It's not even noon but feels way later.

My husband pulled his back yesterday so he's in bed. We probably shouldn't have been taking the dogs to PetSmart since my daughter had already shown a light fever, but we wanted to get out and breathe a little and Santa was going to be there and so we should have known better because he pulled his back trying to help Bella into the car. Poor hubby.

And Dexter was so scarred from seeing Santa (the picture is AWESOME - beyond words awesome, which makes it totally worth it but still, the rest sucks) that when I took him to the line so I could pre-pay (totally would have done this before had I known) he snuck backwards through my legs and out of his collar and ran straight for the doors of PetSmart.

YES. FOR THE DOORS.

FOR REAL.

Tweet

Keep reading »

Secrets of being mom.

I'm going to share a secret.

Sometimes I bitch about my kid.

Did you know?

Of course you knew. You know me, right?

Sometimes I complain and want to cry and battle anxieties and take medication and feel like crap and get myself down and don't feel very fa-la-la-la-la-like. Was that enough las? Do I know? Should I care?

And other times I joke about how it must be 5 O'clock somewhere because I really need a drink - a drink I probably never really end up having, but how easy is it to consider a bottle of cider or a glass of wine when your shoulders are up past your ears and you're flinching at nearly every sound that surrounds you?

There are days where I shake my head. Drop my face into my hands. Say to myself, my husband, where have we gone wrong? Why won't she - doesn't she - does she - why? why? why?

She gets off the school bus and I hold my breath, waiting for a thumbs up from the driver.

She discusses her day and the color of her beehive is the first thing that comes out of her mouth. When it isn't green I ask her why. Not because I care - not in the way you'd think - but because I want to understand. Work with her. Talk to her and figure out what behavior happened or what went wrong and how I can teach her to avoid it in the future. So she can stay focused. Do what she's supposed to. It's school, after all.

I smile and take pride when her teacher tells us she's a great kid. I watch with slight awe as she walks around like the *mayor* of her school. She's hugging teachers left and right. High fives. Inside jokes. Smiles. Laughter. Not one person unhappy to see her. This is the child I know. I love. And the one I expect.

She doesn't shy away from strangers. Do I imagine she will someday? Sure. Certainly.

She questions. Challenges. Learns. Absorbs.

Lots of why-s. When?? How? Whatever question there is - she's got it.

Sometimes it's a lot. A lot of questions. A lot of talking. A lot of WORDS. TOO MANY! OH SO MANY WORDS. WHEN WILL THE WORDS STOP I JUST NEED A MOMENT OF SILENCE AND PLEASE CAN YOU ...

And then I think, don't stop. Don't stop talking. Don't ever stop learning and living and loving.

Please don't. Ever.

Because even though there are the days that I bitch and moan and cry and want to lock myself in the bathroom with a good book, a magazine, the iPad and a bottle of wine ... the rest of it? The good, the bad, the ugly and the amazing? I'd change none of it. From the colic-y nights to the hair dryer on permanent. The CDs with noises like rain and a washing machine. The diaper rash, the markers on the couch, the windows, the walls.

The nights where the only words at the tip of my tongue are "GO THE "F" TO SLEEP!!!" - Please for the love of all things holy go to sleep.

Tears. Hers. Mine.

My voice raises. I'm not a perfect mother. No parenting awards on my mantle. Does anyone have them? truly. She or he among us who have never raised their voice can cast that first stone or however it goes.

I apologize. So recently as this morning.

I was drying my hair. I heard banging. Knocking, maybe? I shut the hair dryer. Thought she was asleep. I was letting her rest. The banging stopped. By the time I heard it again it was about 10-15 minutes later. I walk in and she's in tears.

'My body hurts,' she whispers.

Oh no. Oh no. Awful mommy. I left her and she's got a fever and I'm obliviously drying my hair, and yes, reading a book while I do it. Sigh.

I'm so sorry, I tell her. So very sorry I didn't hear you.

'I forgibe you,' she responds, through tears. Sniffles.

I hold back my own and rush to take care of my baby.

Because I can. I thank my lucky starts that I can.

And because of that - I'll let her have two pieces of candy right now, at 11:13 in the morning. Because whatever, right? She's not feeling well and it's that kind of day. SO THERE! And you know what else? I just had some Chanukah jelly beans WITH her. Yeah. That's right. I'm a rebel. What of it? Do something rebellious with your kids today. You'll seem super cool and it'll make you feel really awesome. I promise.  

And if you're really cool you'll let her type and write on your blog for a minute and not get all flipped out that she might lose the post you just wrote up. Because you're just figuring screw it, it's just a post. And she's my kid. And what damage can she really do? I can totally write it over - even if it isn't exact - right? Right. Fortunately she didn't lose it so I didn't have to test that. Cause admittedly, it'd be easy to SAY but might not be my first reaction, ya know? 

*Also, I'm linking up with Kim over at her Secret Mommy-hood Confessions link-up today. It's a ramble of sorts, but I think it meshes.*

Tweet

Whattaya' know?

It's that time of the week again.

Sometimes I link up and sometimes I don't, but I'm always happy to have the opportunity to do so.

So here I am with a mostly light Pour Your Heart Out ...

You know you got dressed in the dark when you determine that your underwear is on inside out, and it's too late to change because you have to get the kiddo to the bus and you've been proactive and put your sneakers on early and if you decide to strip down and do it all over you're going to exhaust yourself before you even stand up.

Oh, who me? No. No. That didn't happen to me. Of course not. *Cough cough.*

You know you're PMSing when all you can think about is trying to make no-bake cookies that you've never been successful at because you just cannot seem to figure out exactly how long the water or mixture is supposed to boil, or what the heck a rolling boil actually is. And yet you want to try anyway.

That's not me, either, of course. 

You know you got up extra early when you're ready for another meal or snack before noon and have already finished two cups of Magic Stars and almond milk, an apple and a cup of coffee.

And a mini-mini-pumpkin-mini-muffin.

Guilty as charged. 

You also know you got up pretty early when it feels like this has been the longest day ever and not only is it not yet noon - but it's not even 11:30.

Oops. 

And if I start to go into the you know you're totally slacking on holiday gifts because Chanukah starts on DECEMBER NINTH and you have like 3-4 things purchased at this point and time that's probably going to give it away and ensure that you know that YES. I'm talking about ME.

AHHHHHH!

Happy Hump Day, everybody.

p.s. You know that writing this post put you in the mood for a warm beverage and a sweet treat, so you opted for some chai tea and a gluten-free cinnamon doughnut just 'cause.

Yeah, you know it!

Doughnut is missing a bite now. It's a little heavy so it might not get finished, but then I'll - I mean you'll obviously need to find something to replace it to satisfy your sweet tooth. How about those no-bakes? Off to Pinterest you go ...

Tweet

She broke my shoe.

Damnit, serious damnit.

I'm sitting here looking up ONE THING. Seriously. This time it was just one thing. I sent a message to someone and she starts standing over me. It's fine. I don't mind. I'm not ignoring her.

She says, look, I can stand in your flip flops. She's been acting grown-up and wearing them. Standing in them.

And then she says, I didn't mean to do this.

Picks one up and hands it to me. And it's broken.

She broke my shoe.

I know she's only five. She's one of the loves of my life.

But why does she continue to show such disregard to things. My things. Her things. My husband's things. Why?

What am I doing wrong? Am I just not teaching her to respect stuff?

I know we have a cluttered home. A lot of stuff. A lot of crap. But still, we treat things right. We teach her to be careful, to put her stuff away. We try really hard.

And it's so ridiculous to be pissed off about a shoe, is it not?

When what it really is is that why would she just not consider the shoe A SHOE. And not a toy?

I'm sitting here frustrated and decided it's Wednesday. I should pour it all out today and link up. Again, I know it's an overreaction. But I didn't yell. I did not lose it. I just said - WHY? And that I'm very disappointed in her that she didn't take care of my things. She showed me sadness. Remorse. Whatever you want to call it. I know it was an accident, but accidents of this kind happen when you're careless. Right? I mean - yes, I know she's five, but sometimes I just wish that there were certain things she'd consider and know. And I don't know how we're going to teach them to her if the ways we're already trying aren't yet working.

Sigh. Motherhood. Parenting. It's so rough. Sometimes. All the time. A lot of the time.

It's hard being a mom.

Tweet