Friday, February 24, 2017
The Emotions of Motherhood
* I wrote this yesterday and didn't give myself the time to bring it to the blog. This morning I am feeling much better, but I find it important to share just the same. *
I pick it up.
A journal of inspirational prompts.
I started it yesterday.
Smiling. Answering. Knowing.
Today I know nothing.
I started off the day feeling enough.
I sit here at 3:30pm, wondering where I went wrong.
My child is my heart.
She holds a piece of it in her own.
And so I wonder how it could be, again, that *I* have failed her. That *I* have not instilled a strong enough love of reading in her.
Someone with enough books to fill my own library.
And she - 10 - reading only graphic novels.
In her own time. They say.
And I WILL accept that. Whether she does or doesn't.
The lack of order.
Have I failed her again?
With my piles of paper and bins of clutter?
With my inability to throw anything away.
Have I molded her so - that she will - in essence - BE ME - in years to come?
There is so much good in me. I know there is. And it would be a blessing to see those qualities surface in her. Some I already see.
Others terrify me.
Will she experience ...
Will she look in the mirror and tear herself apart?
Will she only take selfies because - - Just. Because.
Mothering a daughter is so very hard.
I want her to fly. I know sometimes she'll fall. Both are okay. Acceptable. And yet.
How can I remind myself that she is not me?
She is not destined to experience all that I have, but all that she is meant to.
And I'll stand beside her. Behind her. Holding her hand or letting go.
And I'll watch her soar.