Friday, December 26, 2014

I carry him always.

Chanukah and Christmas have both passed.

I'm unsure of how I feel about the holidays coming and going as quickly as they seem to have.

I didn't really write this year. I'm not sharing as much.

Last year was the first holiday season without my dad.

This year it sucks just as bad, I just haven't had the words to share.

Not enough of a thought process to say what I want to say.

It's rough. It's life.

It is what it is - the stupidest saying of ever - you know?

Loss is impossible to bear. It doesn't go away.

It doesn't really get easier.

MAYBE I feel it in less powerful bursts throughout the year. Maybe not.

You never stop grieving when you lose someone you love, and that's 100% okay.

You still live, and that, too, is 100% okay.

But man, living? It hurts. It hurts and stings right in the gut and the heart when the person you love is gone. Forever.

How to go on living and enjoying the many blessings there are out in the world?

How to just breathe and do?

How to remind others to do the same?

I have no effing clue.

I just try anyway.

I ache. I hurt. I cry. I miss him.

And then I keep on going.

Because I have to.

We have to.

I have to remind my mom and my brother and my daughter and my niece - I have to set a great example of how it's perfectly okay to cry and miss him AND live and laugh, too.

I have to because I should, ya know?

I need to.

He'd want me to.

I know he DOES want me to.

But it still hurts. Aches. Stings.

And I miss him.

Always.

So much for not really writing about my dad today.

I think he knew it was coming. I think he feels me, like I feel him and carry him in my heart.

Always.

5 comments:

Brittany said...

Oh, Andrea! This post... I have no words. I remember when we lost my grandmother 5 days after New Years in 2000, my heart had never ached so much and I still miss her. *hugs*

Jenny Gaskell said...

Andrea, I am sending you so much love. Thinking of you.

Kendra from Headband for Today said...

I think you will always have days but like you said, hopefully they'll be further apart and there will be more joy in between.

allison c @godanskermom.com said...

This makes me ache, too,, and I can't even imagine how I feel when it is my turn. Because it will be my turn someday. Thank you for giving it such beautiful words but I am sorry for your sorrow. xo

Elisa @ Globetrotting in Heels said...

ah, sweetie - I understand that well and I am so, so sorry. My mother in law, whom I was closer to than to my own mother, passed away exactly one year before Stella's birth - 9 years ago. I still miss her, because like your dad, she left a hole in my life that cannot be filled by anyone or anything; but as the years have passes, I have cried less when talking about her and smiled more, because I loved her so and still do, and because although I am sad to have lost her, I also feel so blessed to have had her in my life for as long as I did. The holidays are tough, for sure. Sending you a big hug and hoping that 2015 will bring you more peace and happiness than you could ever wish for <3

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