Wednesday, November 5, 2014

One year gone by. It still hurts.

Emotions are heightened as the weather cools down.

Fall has arrived in North Carolina and I'm feeling it.

My mood flicks like a switch that I have no control over has been commandeered by someone I can't see.

Coffee is good. It fuels me. Warms me.

Soups, too.

I made chicken soup from scratch.

A task - I know. But I know why.

I needed to. I wanted to. I had to feel. Be on my feet for hours.

Ladling. Skimming. Stirring.

How did he do it? All those years. On his feet.

Day after day. Night after night.

All those years.

I exhale.

At the same time I have no urge to be cooking.

Fast foods call my name.

My motivation is gone.

I'm more than overdue for a walk. A run. A bike ride.

A burst of cold weather smacking me in the face.

I'm overdue.

Music helps. Only a little.

Some days I'm fine. I don't even feel it.

Others? Not so much.

A candle burns now and then. Brightening up the kitchen.

Bringing out a scent that warms the soul. Sometimes.

Other times a candle burns.

I watch it fade.

Twenty-four hours of flickering light.

Time moves on.

It's been over a year.

My father's been gone that long.

I lit a candle.

Not birthday candles.

An I miss you candle.

Judaism permits you to remember with a flickering light.

Brings the memory of the loved ones lost right there - beside you - at every turn.

Held close within your heart.

Held tight within mine.

October has finally ended.

And yet.

My heart does not freely soar.

I thought it might - but it does not.

The pain is still there.

The ache.

The tears.

I still hurt.

And this weather isn't helping.

Not one bit.

Yarzheit, mourning, grief, loss, pain, Judaism


* I'm linking up this week with Shell's Pour Your Heart Out. *

15 comments:

becominneurotic said...

Oh love *hugs*
Grief is so...ugh. It sucks. Loss sucks. It hurts and there's no real way to soothe it. Like you said, some things help, some times, but nothing helps all the time.
I wish I could come visit and bring you cookies and hugs. Instead I'll send my love, and hope that you know you can reach out to me at any time. I'm always here for you.
Saying a prayer for you tonight.

Nichole said...

Oh sweetie. I'm praying for comfort for you.

Beth @ TheAngelForever said...

I saw the Yahrzeit candle and had to come over to leave you a comment. Thinking of you during this time and sending lots of hugs. If I was closer I would make matzoh ball soup with you and listen to stories.

Shell said...

Oh, Andrea. xo Such a hard loss. Sending you love and prayers.

Jenni Surface said...

So much love for you and I know that it has to be so difficult. I can't understand everything that you are feeling but I can give you a hug or send you love.

jaime said...

So hard. Sending love and hugs.

AiringMyDirtyLaundry said...

I'm so sorry.

Alison said...

I am so sorry for your loss, Andrea.

Susanna Barbee said...

What a beautiful post, Andrea. It's interesting how seasons, smells, songs and even scents can trigger such strong memories and subsequent emotions. I pray for something bright and happy to enter your heart. And I'm so sorry for your loss.

Cathy said...

I'm so sorry Andrea. I get so much of this post....especially the chill that enters the air this time of year. I'm closing in on the anniversary of my Dad's death and while I can tell you I don't cry as often as I used to, our lives will never be the same without him. I also won't tell you time heals because I hated it when people said that so me, but eventually (if you haven't already) you'll talk about him with more smiles and less tears as you remember all the wonderful things about him. Hugs to you....

Tracie Nall said...

Oh Andrea. I'm praying for comfort and peace in your world today.

Julie said...

I'm so sorry you're hurting. This is a beautiful post, a heartfelt remembrance. Big hugs to you!

Theresa Lollis said...

I am so very sorry for your loss and that you are hurting. There is no time limit on grief unfortunately just keep writing and talking about it as much as you need to.

Robbie K said...

I am so very sorry for your loss. I know the pain of losing a parent. It has been 8 months since my mom died and her birthday is in 6 days. I don't know how to make it through that day..or all the days.

Jenny Gaskell said...

So sorry for your loss, Andrea. I cannot begin to comprehend a loss like thatHolding you in love and light.

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