Tuesday, June 10, 2014

Father's Day.

Father's Day is coming.

I'm not ready for it.

I don't really want it to come.

Can we just pretend it's not a holiday this year?

It's not going to be for me.

My daddy is gone.

I'm not ready.

I can't imagine the day coming and going without at least hearing his voice.

Seeing his face.

Laughing. Smiling. Feeling.

So much feeling.

I know I'll have the feelings. The love. The heart.

It'll all be there. I'm quite sure. And yet ...

He won't be.

What do you do?

How do you celebrate Father's Day when your father is gone?

With a shattered heart and tears in your eyes?

With a plastered smile as you and your daughter celebrate your husband. Her father.

Yes. Of course. Yes.

But my father. MY daddy.

How do I celebrate him when he isn't here?

I have no freaking clue.

Honestly.

No clue.

I feel like I might just want to stay in bed all day, but I know I won't.

But I'll probably want to.

Eyes closed. Shutting out the harsh reminder of my loss.

Because I don't need a reminder.

I know.

Every single day.

I know my dad is gone.

I love you, Daddy. Happy Father's Day. Every day.

I miss you.



* Linking up with Things I Can't Say and Pour Your Heart Out this week. *

8 comments:

OhBoyMom said...

I can so relate to how you're feeling...my mom passed away a little over a year ago, right before Mother's Day. Last year, we left town (for my son's bball tournament) so it helped to be somewhere different. This year was still tough and I'm sure it will be every year, but I suppose the best way to approach these holidays is to focus on all the happy memories and remembering them with our own kids. Sending a virtual hug...

Karen Irving said...

These holidays are always harder when our parents are gone...I'm sorry for your loss, and hope it gets easier to bear over time.

Karen @BakingInATornado said...

I'm so sorry for your loss. Not just words, but truly meant. Although I still have my Dad, sort of, I could put myself in your place while reading this piece and literally felt your pain.
I hope that you put as real a smile on your face as you can as you celebrate with your husband. Your daughter needs to have good memories of this day.

Carol Cassara said...

My heart goes out to you in your loss. My own father has been gone since 2008. I celebrate every father's day by honoring his memory, talking to him in spirit and acknowledging the parts of me that were influenced by his best traits, and trying to handle those that came from his not-so-best traits...and I do have a few of those. If you've been following my blog since I went to the Afterlife Conference last week you know that I believe our souls live on and so I no longer grieve in the same way.
I hope you can find a way to honor all that your Dad gave you on that day, which, after all, is only a Hallmark holiday. Any day works. Blessings.

Tracie Nall said...

We just had the first Mother's Day since my husband's mom died. It was hard. We stayed very, very busy (it helped that I had a blog trip planned for that weekend, but we would have found some way to be busy even if that timing hadn't been so perfect). I don't know if that helps or not. Each person's grief is so much their own journey. Just know that you are surrounded by love on that day, and everyday. And do what feels right to you. There is no wrong answer.

Shell said...

I don't have any advice for you, but I'm sending you lots of love. xo

JDaniel4's Mom said...

I am praying for your family. You were truly given an amazing dad! What wonderful memories you will have to share with your daughter about him.

Patty said...

I could have written every single word you wrote in this post. That is what I felt the first Father's Day without my dad. You are feeling exactly what you are suppose to feel. He was YOUR dad and yes it's okay to be sad, to cry, to miss him...especially on the first father's day. That is exactly what I did so do what gets your through the day. Next year will be better...I promise. I'm going on year three and this time I am looking for a way to remember and honor him...the message is that it takes time to reconcile this day with your heart. There is no wrong or right way. Sending you lots of love my friend.

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