Last week I was in sponsored post mode. This week and then some? Nada. Nothing.
I've got the emotions. I've got the anxieties. I've got the thoughts but I just don't have the words.
I've watched a few recent episodes of Glee lately and cried every.single.time. I'm about to catch up on the New York episode and then I have last night's episode and I'll be caught up.
Why is it that emotional for me to watch these damned episodes?
I can blame it on PMS. It would be easy to.
But I think it's a combination of real life emotions and "TV" related emotions all smushed up together. Do you know what that's like?
I watched The Quarterback on October 11th. I cried like a baby throughout the entire episode. The characters mourned Finn and sang songs like If I Die Young and Seasons of Love. And I'll Stand By You. And I bawled my eyes out. And then I downloaded the soundtrack and cried some more.
And then less than an hour later I cried for real.
My father had died.
I can't say those words.
I say passed away.
I feel like I'm going to be sick even WRITING them.
Passover starts next week. Passover. Without my father.
Even all these years of me living in NC I've observed Passover to the best I could - explaining the difficulties to my father. Skyping through Seder. Raising my own glass of wine. Texting him pictures of tiny, flavorless matzo balls. Tzimmes with syrupy something. And no pineapple. I made matzo brie and called him that morning to find out how much sugar to put in it.
"Da, I'm making matzo brie."
He'd laugh. Smile. I'd feel it even when I couldn't see it.
One year my parents brought a suitcase full of Passover here for the holiday. We laughed. It was seriously so heavy you couldn't lift it. But he did.
And he made me a matzo brie in my crappy pan. Until I remembered the wok I'd never used. So he tried that. But then he made me a matzo brie with bananas.
"Are there bananas in this?" He nodded. Smiled. Almost proud. I nodded back. And then he remembered. I don't eat bananas anymore. Oops.
I laughed. It's okay. We'll make another one.
* I'll stand by you. Won't let nobody hurt you. I'll stand by you. *
Always, Daddy. I'll always have you by me. And I'll always carry you with me.
And this holiday is going to be so damned rough. Just like any others before and after. Because you're not here. You're not here and it's just not fair.
But what can we do?
Passover will come and go. And then Mother's Day. Father's Day. My mom's birthday. My brother's anniversary. My dad's birthday. My brother's. And then mine again. Without him.
We'll reach the year mark. We're more than halfway there. How is that even possible?
* But I always thought that I'd see you again. *
Won't I? Still?
G-d, I hope so, Pops. Because I need to. Somehow. Somewhere. I just do.
I love you.
* I'm linking up with Pour Your Heart Out today over at Things I Can't Say. *