Monday, February 3, 2014

It's February.



Already.

You've been gone for almost four months now. 

My heart still aches for you. I still cry. Hard. 

Some nights it hurts so much I can't breathe. 

I find myself sobbing. The triggers seem small. They seem invisible sometimes. 

I see your picture. Constantly. I carry you with me. Always. 

It's too long. 

It's not fair. 

Will the pain ever fade? 

There are parts of me that don't want it to. I need to know it, feel it, live it, breathe it. 

I need to miss you with all of my heart and soul and entire body until my pillow is soaked with tears. 

I need to dwell in the moments you're missing. 

I need to think about all the things we said, and ache over the things we didn't. Or some that we did. 

I yelled at you. I tried to get you to do things my way. I only wanted you to be healthy and strong and Daddy forever. And it didn't even matter - did it? 

It just happened anyway. 

G-d took you. He did. She did. Whoever it is up there that makes these calls? THEY did. 

This is a heated topic. You wouldn't want me to be angry with Him. And so I try not to be. Because you never were. You believed what you believed and felt with your heart what was and would be would be. "So it shall be written, so it shall be done."

It doesn't mean *I* have to like it. Or respect it. Or BELIEVE it. But for now I do. Because I will always respect YOU. Did you know that? Do you know it? Did I show that enough?

The moments that live in my gut. Each time I looked to you for acceptance. Forgiveness. Pride. Love. It was there. Your eyes. Your smile. That laugh. G-d, that laugh, when it hit you. It got you. It hit everyone. We'd get in trouble. Especially you. You'd get in trouble. But it was worth it. Still is - for each memory. Each moment.

And so I sit here writing, with tears flowing out of my exhausted eyes, and I hear you. Or I try to. I see you. I replay your voice in my head as best I can. Small clips here and there. I need to hear you again. I need to find you. I can't decide if I'm laughing or crying. Sometimes I do both. 

Daddy, did you send me this song that I probably haven't listened to in forever or possibly even knew I owned? It came on as I was writing this and I stopped for a minute. And as sad as I am and as much as I miss you, I listened to it anyway. Tears flowing.  



I miss you, Daddy. But still ... you make me smile.

13 comments:

Carissa(GoodNCrazy) said...

I just heard that song the other day and thought the same thing.. been a long time since I've heard this... and It made me think of people I love too.

bless you in your grief. Glad you have a place to let it out. :)

Doreen McGettigan said...

(((HUGS)))
This is a lot harder than I thought it would be.

Patty said...

{{{Hugs}}}
Sending lots of love your way today and every day.
xoxo

The Dose of Reality said...

Thinking of you and sending you hugs. It gets easier, it does, and then it is hard again. And then easier. And it seems like it just goes on like that forever.-Ashley

Katie said...

So, so sorry for your loss, Andrea. It must be awful to miss him like that. Thanks for sharing your heart. I pray you find lots of comfort and peace in all of your memories of your dad. Very beautifully written. xo

Gina @ MoneywiseMoms said...

So sorry to hear about your Dad. I still get triggers and it's been over 7 years now, so while I can say that it will lessen, it will always be there.

Thinking of you.

Michele C. said...

Sending you love and thoughts. Keep writing, let it out however you need or want to. ((hugs))

Ilene Evans said...

I'm sorry you are in so much pain right now, Andrea. But one of the reasons this is so painful, is because your father obviously share so much love with you and so many other beautiful things. May those blessings be comforts to you, even in the most difficult moments of your mourning. xo

Sean said...

Sending you hugs and strength. So sorry for your loss.

Elisa @ Globetrotting in Heels said...

oh sweetie, I am so sorry. It's just so hard. I wish I could do something, and I wish I was closer so I could come and give you a big hug. I don't know if you will ever stop missing him, and I don't know if you would ever want to. But I do hope that the pain of him being there will gradually lessen in time. he will always be a part of you, and that is wonderful - I am just so sorry that you are so sad right now. Lots of love and a giant bear hug, lovely.

Stephanie/Scattermom said...

I'm glad you are writing. And glad that you are posting some of what you write.

Crystal T. said...

Grief is a beast. I ached and ached and ached with the loss of my father for so many years; it seemed like my grief would never end. And then eventually I didn't ache anymore. I don't know what changed for me. I hope that it doesn't take so many years for you. HUGS.

Kimberly said...

Oh friend...so so much love to you. You are stronger than you know. I can feel it in your words. Keep talking and writing out your grief. We will be here to listen xoxo

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