Tuesday, April 17, 2012

Motherhood makes me tired.

So my daughter has been a little bit of hell on wheels lately.

Twitter tells me it's normal - because, you know, she's five and all.

And this past weekend (oh, yeah, it's usually on the weekends - like whenever my husband and I have something planned to get us the heck out of dodge for say, a few hours, maybe? And then our plans? They get sucked into nowhere land. But I digress ...) was no exception.

She threw some sort of fit as we headed on some random errands and were going to grab some dinner out. "Strawberries! Strawberries! I want to go pick strawberries!"

This was on Friday night, if I recall correctly. Or maybe it was Saturday. See, that's the thing. She has these fits and cries and loses herself and knock wood or spit a few times we haven't had the physical explosion in a week or two, I guess, but the attitude and actions/reactions suck nearly as badly. And then I have no idea what day it is. Or when it happened. Or anything much at all.

So where was I? Right. Strawberries. My husband drove around and redirected us, so maybe we could at least pick up a bucket of strawberries or something. He was being reasonable. I wasn't having it - and the more she recited a stream of "Please, please, PLEASE!" the more we decided against that plan.

She wasn't listening. At all.

Some days I am so tired that all I can focus on is her meltdowns. Like right now, I'm typing this to say how we actually had some good moments last night. Some great ones. It was fun. It was positive. And instead I have to reprimand her for taking over the remote control and messing with the DVR.

NOT FUN. Not fun at all.

Damnit.

Ah, and now that's what happens. The slightest thing triggers me and I lose track of a positive.

It's not fun. It's mommy feeling on edge. Maybe emotionally charged. Maybe PMSing. Maybe on overload with various things that have set me off, I don't know. I just know that when the behaviors happen, I have to confess. I curse. A LOT. Not at her, but about her actions. Usually TO my husband. Like driving around in the Jeep I found myself saying things like, "Every FUCKING weekend!" and banging my hand against the side door.

Double damnit.

So my title changes and a post that was supposed to cover how fun it was to take my beautiful 5-year-old daughter to The Children's Place and take her into the dressing room to try on clothes and actually have a successful shopping trip (the last time we were there I walked out with her, she was awful. I put every single thing I had picked up for her down and back. No shopping for you, little girl!) and then head over to the bookstore and have her behave well there, too. And this was all after actually eating dinner, the three of us, without any storming off or mess-making issues.

So while all that was well and good and wonderful, I worry myself about when the next dose of attitude will be. When will I have to plop her into time out next? Send her to her room? Raise my voice?

I remind myself she is only five.

I remind myself how very much I love her.

And I remind myself I ALWAYS WILL.

But I also remind myself that I am human. I'm a mom, a strong one, but I'm a human being. And I'm entitled to anxiety, stress-related reactions, and to be TICKED OFF when my child refuses to listen in a way I know she can.

Le sigh.

Thanks, peeps. Thanks for listening. Despite where this post turned.

I poured my heart out, indeed.



13 comments:

Jessica Marks said...

You're doing just fine...and soon you will be reminding yourself that she is "only 6, 7, 8, 9, 10" lol...I'm a little bluebird of happiness there huh? xoxo

Sorta Southern Single Mom said...

She's asserting her independence... you'll get her back... just wait until this fall when she goes to school, but yeah, I get it and I get the tired.

Lisa @ Two Bears Farm said...

They always have to learn things the hard way, don't they?

We had a tantrum yesterday - and I felt bad that Pierce had to get on the bus in tears, but in the end, he was fine.

JDaniel4's Mom said...

We have blow ups about things like no juice at snack and needing an iPad app.

Blush Mamas said...

Omg can you see into my iPhone? I thought my 3 year old daughter's tantrums would go away. Tomorrow. When she turns 4. April 20. So thank you for the reality slap :) I love this post because really, we should be allowed to curse. So we can smile after, feel better and be ready for the next episode. Sometimes I pretend my little one is a scientist, just experimenting with cause and effects of her behavior. And not trying to sabotage or ruin my f%#€+ing life (what it really feels like)!

Galit Breen said...

Yes, this.

Mother love is, indeed, human love.

Hang in there, mama.

This has to all make sense someday, right?! :)

Elisa @ Globetrotting in Heels said...

This is just my experience, but I found that if I keep Stella occupied and let her "help" with stuff, she is less likely to have a tantrum.

So now I have her help me put away the groceries, I let her stir things when I cook...little thing, but it seems to help.

I also have one of those Melissa & Doug responsibility charts for each girl, and I let Stella pick her smilies to put on the chart every time she does something helpful. Then at the end of the week we count the smilies and I let her pick something from a box of little treats (stickers, small books, toy cars...)

Anyway. It';s not perfect, and Stella still has an Italian temper, but this seems to help. Good luck darling, keep strong!

Alison@Mama Wants This said...

Mothering is just a hard, hard gig, isn't it? If it's not one thing it's another. We just have to roll with the punches and hope that tomorrow is better. Hang on in there and good luck!

Deanna crazed said...

I have 3 kids all around the same age (8 yr old and 7 yr old twins!).. All they do is argue and fight and scream and tattle... every single day. I really don't enjoy motherhood the way I expected to.. and I know it's going to get worse as they journey into teenagerdom! We will get through it though, we have no choice, lol.

Julia Hunter said...

I think sometimes it is so easy to get wrapped up in all the things that go wrong that we lose sight of all the things that went right. Atleast I know that happens to me.

Shell said...

Of course you love her. But those outbursts are never fun to deal with. *hugs*

Karen Greenberg said...

I have SO been there, with both of my daughters. It sounds like you are doing great. It's easy to beat ourselves up over our reactions, but we are humans, too. Our desires are just as important, and the need to have an enjoyable, temper-tantrum free weekend is strong. Oh, I've been there. I could have written this same post. Hang in there!

Ali from Daughter-in-Law Diaries said...

We have all been there...if it makes you feel better, my son is in time out as I write this. One minute he is incredible, the next I don't know where he came from.

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