Monday, February 14, 2011

Anxiety is a b!tch ...

Photo obtained from Photbucket.com

Right now my daughter is walking around the living room, batting about the balloons my husband picked up for her the morning of her fourth birthday. The sound of the Mylar is causing me to stop and take some deep breaths before I lose it.

Breathe in ...

Today is the first day in a while that it's just been the two of us for the day. My parents came in on Wednesday, and left Sunday morning. My in-laws arrived on Friday, and left this morning. Hubby was home since Thursday, and is back to work today.


Breathe out ...

And so I'm trying to make sure I have stuff for us to do. She's already opened two of her birthday presents today. And I bought two new Valentine's books to give her later. And we have a playdate to walk over to this afternoon. Which should be fun.

Breathe in ...

I miss my parents already.

Breathe out ...

Needless to say, the slightest of sounds is setting me off.
My massage chair thing-y is actually hurting my eyes a little bit.
*Which is so not cool, since it is supposed to be doing is HELPING me relax, ya know?*

Breathe out ...

It probably doesn't help that I have recently switched my medication. I was on one medication since the end of my pregnancy, and my doctor recently discussed whether or not I felt like it was working. And I did. For the most part.


Breathe in ...

See, my PPA (postpartum anxiety) is totally heightened as my child gets older. It's likely a combination of this and my generalized anxiety (which I am pretty sure I had pre-motherhood) that impact me in the way that sets me off in such a mode that I cannot focus and don't know which way to turn.


Breathe in ...

So, like just now, I sometimes turn to Disney Junior (or whatever the DisneyChannel is called these days!) and The Imagination Movers to help me out.
*This episode is just a teeny tiny bit annoying - but aren't they all?*

Breathe in ...

Because even the sound of the huge container of colorful goldfish is rubbing me the wrong way.
*I really should get her a small bowl for those.*

Breathe out ...

So when my doctor and I spoke a bit, and my daughter was there at the appointment with me ... I think it was pretty obvious that my anxiety was ruling me a bit more than I was ruling it.

Breathe in ...

So we switched things up a bit. And the last week or two were a bit hellish, but I think I'm getting back on track now. Which is good. Very. VERY. Very good.

Breathe out ...

But I must confess that sometimes even when I stop and take that moment to breathe, I can't always catch myself and set up a buffer before I tend to snap or shout for some unknown or established reason.

Breathe out ...

But I continue to try, and that, that is the most important thing of all.

Breathe in ...

Because although some days will be rougher and tougher than others, and other days will be completely intense and heavy and I won't want to get out of bed ... I always will. Because I have a little girl to be there for. And a life to live. And so much more to think of than just the things that sometimes make me cringe.


And breathe out.

*And a half hour later I'm finally finished writing this post! And, bonus of all bonuses, Toy Story is on now! Woo hoo!*

7 comments:

Lisa @ Two Bears Farm said...

Oh gosh I hope the medication switch helps you feel better. Stinks that it takes a couple of weeks to know for sure, you know? During those couple of weeks you could go up or down. Hoping it's all up for you now :-)
Toy Story 3 here. It's the only thing he ever wants to watch. He's a total Toy Story junkie.
Happy bday to your little one!

Sorta Southern Single Mom said...

Oh {{{HUGS}}} Mama! I had no idea you were having such a rough patch. Family is good and keeps us calm sometimes, but I can't imagine that all the build up didn't contribute in some way... I hope that now that things are back on even-keel that helps some too!

Dysfunctional Mom said...

Toy Story makes anything a little better!
I feel ya, so very much. I take one med for depression and anxiety, and then a separate one just for anxiety. But right now I'm out of the anxiety med and my doctor won't call in a refill without seeing me, and I don't have time for a visit right now....SO I'm out of the extra anxiety med. Which sucks. On top of making me obviously anxious, it makes me irritable and cranky. And with all the Baby Mama Drama in my life, I SO don't need this right now!
Anyway. I hope you get adjusted to your new meds and things settle down for you.

blueviolet said...

It's so tough until they find just the right elixir, isn't it? I'm so glad this appears to be working and helping to minimize your anxiety.

Michelle (Red Headed Book Child) said...

I found your blog through TLC Blog Tours and loved the title. I have been poking around and read this post and knew I had to follow you sister. I hear ya.

Take care,
Michelle

Jenna said...

i understand. the breathe in breahte out, relentlessness, necessity for endurance, the PPD/Anxiety. Yup. *HUGS*

found your blog through TRDC linkup, but I follow you on twitter already :)

Shell said...

I'm glad you linked to this b/c I missed it the first time around.

I hope you've since found the right medication. xo

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