I had an off day today. Not quite a fat day. Not quite an ickky day, but the kind of day that made me feel close to tears a few times. Not sure what triggered it.
Being home from vacation? Possibly. Gaining a few pounds while away? Likely. Wishing I could do more for my daughter on a daily basis? Surely.
Some days it sucks being me. Some days it's amazing.
I look at my daughter's face and feel overwhelmed that I created this beauty. That sounds so cliched, but you know what I mean if you're a parent. She lights up and my mood changes instantly. But I hate the anxiety, the nerves, the moods I sometimes experience throughout the day that shift on and off and turn things for her.
Some days I have little patience. Others I am able to shrug off nearly everything. Am I sending her mixed signals? Am I confusing her poor little self? Am I completely out of my mind?
Many of these characteristics I experience on a daily basis (or whenever they feel like surfacing) stem from my postpartum anxiety experience. Although for me it started during pregnancy. And certainly deepened after giving birth. My moods switched a bit, but I never fully classify myself as someone with postpartum depression, as my anxiety was much more intense. I feel like I'm holding my breath as I write this. I know what it will feel like to click publish, a mix of relief and anxiety all rolled into one.
I hate what my anxious self brings to the table for my beautiful little girl. I hate that some parts of my anxiety (which is not PPA related in this example) leaves me home-bound, as I do not drive. What sort of things am I cheating her out of because of that? So many, I am sure. I go through days when I wallow in self-pity, feeling like a total shit because I am literally a STAY AT HOME MOM. I never leave. We go for walks, we have people come over for playdates, but I'm home. ALL. THE. TIME. It's so unfair to her. It's not quite cool for me, either, but I hate what it's like for my baby. Sigh.
Anyway, I know I need to do something about it, and perhaps this is yet another "first step" at moving in the right direction. Putting it out there and sharing with you all, my friends, acquaintances, passers-by, so you know, that if you, too, have been through this, you are most definitely not alone. And so you know that someone else out there has the courage to share these words.
It's ballsy of me, isn't it? To just throw it on out there like this? Well, I had initially thought I'd start off a week of confession posts for myself. And I may still do so, but I figured Wednesday [or Tuesday night] is as good a day to start as any, since I am Pouring My Heart Out, anyway (Thanks, Shell!).
So take a minute or two. Reflect if you wish. Go say hi to Shell and everyone else opening up for you today. Or not. But let me know you stopped by if you'd like. I'd love to hear from you!