Sunday, December 31, 2017

A Brand New Year

new year, divorce, relationships, parenting, change, single mother, single mom, solomom,

I'm sitting on my couch with my daughter.

She is playing a video game.

I'm on the computer.

That last part is obvious - no?

This really isn't that much different than last year.

My daughter and I welcomed in 2017 with her asleep on the couch. I even recorded the moment the year changed on Snapchat and their year in review popped up with a reminder that made me giggle.

She fell asleep and just missed it. This year she is determined to stay awake.

So.

That's different.

We've got a new cat we're snuggling with.

We had a new one last year, too.

Last year we had two dogs, this year we had to say goodbye to one.

July ended with lots of weeping and sadness.

We knew it was coming - but couldn't prepare for it - how can you prepare to say goodbye to such an unconditional love?

It broke our hearts.

We miss him terribly.

I especially felt it Christmas week, when I was home, alone, as last year - but with one dog instead of two. Last Christmas I stayed home from Florida so I could take care of the old man pup.

I was also sick - battling a cold - and it was good timing, I suppose.

This year was different.

It was my very first Christmas Eve and Christmas morning without my daughter.

But then. It's been my very first many things this year.

2017.

What a f*cking year.

2016 held so much loss. Pain. Heartache.

And yet, up until the end there - it held hope.

2017 held all of the pain and all of the heartache and none of the hope.

Not personally and not professionally and not in any worldly way whatsoever.

And so.

Here we sit.

Ready to welcome in the new year.

I'll have some final moments, final days, in early 2018.

The countdown will finally be over.

I'll be someone I never thought I'd end up having to be.

But - as always - I will still be me.

So much more to say. So many words, swallowed, held back - written and unpublished.

Perhaps someday they'll be seen in the light.

But as I welcome in a brand new year - I think to myself - maybe there are things I should say.

So so many things.

And then I ask myself - is it worth it? Will anybody care?

Not you. I know you care. I know you're here and have been reading and listening.

You've been here all along.

For that, I thank you.

But others out there. Would they care?

And so, for the time being - I wait. Hold my words.

Share different ones.

And welcome in the new year with an open heart.

For there is so much more to come.

And so much more to figure out.

And so.

I sit on the couch with my daughter.

And soon we'll welcome in a brand new year.

Happy New Year, friends.

May it be full of love and character, joy and laughter, healing and full hearts.

2018, I'm comin' for ya. I hope you're ready.

1 comment:

  1. You are a strong woman and you will come out of this even stronger! (and, it's okay to do what you need to be that woman, even tears)

    denise

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