Monday, October 12, 2015

Two Whole Years. I Still Grieve.

loss, family, love, death, grief, emotions, father, daddy, heartbreak


Yesterday was the anniversary of the most horrible day I've experienced in my not quite 43 years of life. It was the anniversary of the day we lost my dad. And it sucked.

Grief is not something that has a timeline.

Grief is not something you can turn off when you feel like it.

Grief is not something that feels the same to all people.

Two whole years.

Two whole years without the man who was the first man I ever loved.

Two whole years without the man who held my hand when I needed him to.

Grief is not something that is completely relatable - because all loss is not the same.

Grief is not something that can simply fade away because you wish for it to.

Nor is it something that can be put on pause when you need a break.

Grief sucks.

Plain and simple.

It hurts.

It rips you raw.

It pains you to your very soul.

Loss is not something that one heals from immediately.

There is no timeline - so remind yourself that it's okay to feel no matter how many years have gone by.

Two whole years without my father isn't something I can blink at and move past in minutes.

I miss him.

I want him back.

I want to know why. Why did this happen? Why was it his time to go?

What can I do to bring him back?

Have you ever lost someone and had that thought? That sentiment of wishing and hoping and making a deal with pretty much any higher power who will listen to you?

Whether it's for your parent, your child, a spouse, a grandparent - whoever you grieve for - I'm here to tell you you're not alone. Although our losses are not the same, our pain is not precise, and our hearts will heal differently - you're still not alone.

I'm here.

I'm here.

Smiling and making funny faces in selfies with my daughter.

Blinking back tears behind sunglasses as I walk around my neighborhood.

Taking a deep breath when I hear that certain song.

As I sit here typing I'm cracking open pistachios with my teeth. They remind me of my father.

There are so many things.

No one loss is like any other.

No one loss is greater than any other.

Loss is loss is loss. But they're not all the same.

It's been two whole years.

I still grieve.

My father's been gone for two years. I still want to pick up the phone and call him when I make sweet potatoes or chicken soup. I still want to talk to him about the Mets and the Giants. I still want to do all the things I can't do anymore.

It's been two whole years.

I still grieve.

I'm pretty sure I'll never stop.

And that's okay.

Honest. It is. It's okay. Because to stop would be to forget. And I never want to forget.

Grief is not something that has a timeline.

If you have suffered a loss of a loved one, remind yourself of this always.

It won't make things better. It won't ease the pain. But it will help somehow.

It will make it okay - even when others might make it seem like it is not.

Even when the words of love and support dwindle because another year has gone by.

Even when others don't seem to want to hear it.

You can keep talking.

Keep feeling.

Keep holding on.

It's been two whole years and I still grieve.

Miss you, Daddy.


13 comments:

Sarah Coggins said...

Beautifully written. I hope & pray that many, many happy memories fill your heart daily and the tears become a little less. I'm sure you have a very proud angel watching over you. ((hugs)), friend.

Joan Stommen said...

This is so perfect, Andrea....if grief can be perfectly described. It's been two years since I lost my husband and I still feel everyone of these things.
Thank you for putting it into words so beautifully. Unpacking my life in a new place has been half sad as I miss him by my side......and half sweet enough to make me smile as I find a treasure......a sign from him.....that lets me know he approves!
Well done as always, Redneck girl! You've touched me deeply this morning :)

Allison Barrett Carter said...

Oh I love raw and real writing. This is my favorite: Because to stop would be to forget. And I never want to forget.
DON'T forget. I am sure he is proud of you, and proud to be remembered so eloquently, wherever he is.

Leigh Powell Hines said...

It is hard. And I so understand. October is my Dad's birthday and I think about him the most this month. .....like little things....I just had to say the date out for something else, and an image of my Dad popped up. It's hard. For me, it's been ten years.

Michelle said...

I am so sorry for your loss...this is beautifully written.

KCLAnderson (Karen) said...

This is particularly poignant for as I felt the same when I lost my Dad very suddenly at the end of 2010. I can say that choosing to grieve...to let grief be what it is and to not apologize for it or stuff it was the greatest gift I could give myself...and those around me because I modeled feeling a difficult in a healthy way emotion. Fact is, no one ever died from feeling an emotion and allowing yourself to GO THERE is one of the healthiest things you can do. Much love to you...

Sharon Greenthal said...

This Friday the 16th it will be 8 (!) years since my father died. Sometimes I miss him so much I can't breathe - but it does get easier, I promise.

Christa Hutchins said...

Very honest emotions and a healthy way to process them. So sorry for your loss.

Nourish and Nestle said...

That was wonderful Andrea....I know how hard it must have been, but also how healing. God Bless....

Cathy said...

Oh, I am so sorry, Andrea. A hurt that will never disappear but may grow a little less somehow. Who knows. Beautifully written. Gorgeous writing. Big hugs to you.

menopausal mama said...

This is so beautiful. I understand your pain. I lost my dad seven years ago and my sister 6 years ago. The pain never goes away---the blade just gets a little duller over time.

Lisa @ Two Bears Farm said...

It is very hard. I think the hardest moments are when it comes out of nowhere after a long time and sucker punches you. Grief is sneaky like that. I'm sorry it is still hard for you.

Jenny Gaskell said...

Keep talking. Keep reaching out. Sending you so much love.

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