I looked back at my posts for this past week and was like, wait a minute - where'd I go?
I only posted once. It's a book review. Go on and read it, I'll wait ... (just scroll down or click previous post or whatever it is you do). I know, you're like the many who need a link, right? It's all good, you can read it later.
So I'm supposed to be getting into the holiday spirit, but I'm not sure I'm there yet.
In fact, I'm starting to feel in a funk. I'm moody. Irritable. Sad. Just plain sad.
We lost a family member this past week. My mom's aunt passed away. She was a generation removed from mine, ya know? My grandmother's sister. My grandmother who I lost many moons ago. For a long time I was close with one of their other sisters. She, too, long gone now. And now this final removal from that line. This connection, torn open. Flailing in the breeze.
How else to explain it?
She wasn't my mother's mother, but she was her aunt.
I lost my aunt several years ago. It broke my heart, and I hadn't really been in constant contact with her. It still tore me open. Up inside and out.
My mom spoke to her aunt every single day. We're talking multiple times a day, in fact.
Imagine that loss? I'm sure many of you have experienced it. In some ways. In your lives. If you haven't, you're so lucky. Seriously. It's a gaping hole and it sucks.
I don't know if it's just losing my great aunt that has me in this hole, but it certainly isn't helping.
My heart hurts because I'm not there to hug my mom. Remind her that despite this loss her love was felt and she will always carry memories in her mind and heart. So maybe this is that note? I don't know.
I just know it's the holiday season and I should feel it, and instead right now I feel lots of sadness for this loss, and am lacking enough words to remind people to tell your loved ones you love them, stay in touch, especially the oldest generations.
Mom told me that her cousin reported that my great aunt had TONS of pictures of my daughter and my niece and me and my brother and our families and my parents and so on. My mom and I did that. I never left her off my list. I never ignored her role in our world. My daughter spoke to her on the phone, blew kisses, said I love you. We laughed together.
I remember when I became a mom. Her questions about me nursing. Her encouragement to give "the baby food" ... the first tip telling me she gave her son cereal at a reallllly wee age. I laughed. Okay, okay, I'll consider it. Sure. Don't worry. She's eating. She's healthy.
I laughed. Told my mom. We chuckled. A whole other generation.
Words of wisdom that were laughed at - but we knew she meant well. And we loved her for it.
And I still do. Still will.
We'll miss you, Aunt Becky. I hope you're up there partying hard as you reunite with the sisters gone before you. Raise a glass to all of us here, thinking of you and hoping beyond hope that you're done with the pain. And when you see this? Because I know somehow you will ... Give my Nana an extra kiss for me and my little one, would you, please? And Aunt Annie, too. Tell them both I found the right guy. And I've got a beautiful family.
And I love them. And I love you.
And so my mind stops, my train of thought ends here ... because sometimes you just have to believe.
* And this picture is totally backwards because I took a picture of a picture from my laptop. I know, whole-heartedly, that I was on her left and my mom was on her right. I can flash back in an instant to remember this moment from my wedding day. Isn't that strange, how it works? But hey, that figures. Backwards is a little bit of how I'm feeling so why not look the part? You can laugh now. It's okay. I totally did.