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Friday, March 4, 2011

I'm a Mommy ...

I stood in the shower, staring at the wall in front of me. The stream dripping down from above. Drip drip drip.

Across the top of my head. My eyes. My entire face.

Masking the tears.

My hair, soaked. My ears, clouded over. I couldn't hear her anymore. If only for a moment.

I put my head into my hands and sobbed. Heavily. Loud cries. But nobody could hear ME, either. There wasn't anybody listening.

And that was perfect. Just the way I needed it. If only for a moment.

I leaned against the shower wall. Scrubbing at my skin. Tenderly across my scar. The scar, that for me, would forever identify me as a mother.

Motherhood is amazing, I thought. I should be happy. Overjoyed. Thrilled.

And I was. I truly was.

I laughed. Unheard sounds muffled by the water fall I'd created for myself in my own little space. If only for a moment.

I made my way out of the shower. Tucked myself into a towel. Wrapped myself up tight.

With the water turned off I could hear her wailing now. But it was okay. It was going to be okay.

I was refreshed. Re-birthed. Feeling better. Amazing what five minutes in the shower could do for an exhausted new mommy. I took deep breaths.

Opened my eyes. She lay in her pack-n-play, and I lay on the bed, beside her. Just out of reach.

Sigh.

Maybe I'll get to get a shower in when your Daddy gets home, I whispered, picking her up and holding her tightly. I should be able to sneak upstairs ...
If only for a moment.

This post was written in response to this week's Red Dress Club prompt (fiction or non-fiction permitted): Water gives life. It also takes it away. My writing this week is a combination of fiction and non-fiction. It's mostly how I remember the early days of motherhood. The rare occasion a shower could refresh me and bring me a reminder of the importance of my life, a new feeling of what motherhood was like, and a break from the tears - hers and mine - that we both needed. I hope my choice of reflection expresses clearly where I was for many a moment, and then some. Thanks for reading. Critiques welcome.


16 comments:

Lisa @ Two Bears Farm said...

Oh gosh, this post definitely hit home.
I remember when the twins were only a few weeks old I went four days without showering. I was horrified and depressed and when I told Paul he was like, "Oh, come on, that's not that long. I've gone longer than that when backpacking". ARG!!! WRONG THING TO SAY!!!

ElisabethCS said...

Been there! love how you write!

http://www.thehappyyogamom.com/

Shelly said...

Been there very recently. Definitely felt that! Well written.

Secret Mom Thoughts said...

I remember those early days. well written.

Elaine A. said...

Who knew that a shower would become such an elusive thing after having a baby, right? I can TOTALLY relate to this. Lovely writing as well...

angela said...

Very well written! I think those stolen moments in a shower are ones that every new mother recognizes. You did an excellent job of painting a picture of those so-needed refreshers, alone in a watery world for even just a few minutes.

Shell said...

I think you did a great job at capturing that new mom feeling.

Kristy said...

I so relate. I love it. I remember feeling that way, oh, how I remember feeling that way.

Kristin said...

I totally remember feeling that way. I still need those showers when I am dealing with Ahna and her shenanigans. Great job!

Cheryl said...

I still feel that way about showers, but especially when my kids were babies. Showers made me feel almost human again.

Bella @ If This is Motherhood said...

I've been there! Now I have bigger and better mommy disasters to cry about LOL

Mandyland said...

It's amazing how you can yearn so deeply for something as simple as a shower. And yet, for a new mom, it's better than chocolate.

Cristina said...

yes, a simple shower can be like a re-birth for a mother, it can bring back some sanity. I think any mother can relate to your piece :)

Kimberly said...

I can remember those fleeting moments in the shower in my first few months postpartum. They were my only refuge where I could cry and semi collect my thoughts.

Patty @ A Day in My NYC said...

Such a beautiful moment and you captured it so well.

Erin said...

i think we can all relate to this. i still sometimes struggle squeezing in daily showers!