Someone asked this recently of me and I posted the following in response:
I want to lose weight ...
* So I can look at myself and know I'm my healthiest ME!
* So I can breathe more easily when doing simple things.
* So I can shop in stores that have a variety of sizes and clothing to choose from.
* So I can have smaller boobs.
* And better/nicer/more supportive bras.
* So I can finally look at the scale and see it drop below a number I haven't seen in years.
* So I can have enough energy to play with my daughter now and in years to come.
* So I can one day take her to Disney or some other amusement park and FIT in the seats with her and not worry about weight limits.
* So I don't have to worry about sitting in an airplane seat.
* So I can look at my naked or fully clothed COMPLETE body in a mirror and say, wow, I did it. I finally did it.
* So I can be more than 'such a pretty face.'
Once I finished this list I was almost near tears. I'm in awe of my reasoning and I needed to share with all of you (writing this post way in advance and saving it to Pour my Heart Out with Shell) and say it for real and see it on my blog, in my space, so I can remember that THIS is why I'm trying again. This is why I am moving more, eating better and working on my own mind to remind myself I CAN do this.
Anyway, I just wanted to share with my bloggy peeps. Please remind me of these reasons when the day comes that I sit and say I just can't do this. Because I know it'll come. It'll suck, but it'll come. And I'll keep trying. Persevere, so on and so forth. But I also will fail, start again, etc. and I'm so tired of failing. So tired of letting myself lose, let the weight win. So here we go again, I suppose. I'm working it. We'll see if my body and my mind work with me.
So I'm re-reading this post before I hit publish, and I have had some other thoughts about this, as well. It'll come off as my having a dual personality, I'm sure, but I'm going to share them, anyway.
See, as much as I do want to lose weight, be healthier, and so much more, I've also spent loads of time learning to accept myself for who I am. Learning to love me for being me. And when the question is asked whether people can actually be happy being fat. Whether people are just fat and happy. It's a tough one, isn't it? I mean, so many people look at overweight people and say, damn, how could they WANT to be like that? And do they? Do I?
I don't. I know I don't. I know the rest of this will sound somewhat off-track or totally not the case for me, as I am trying to lose some weight. But I am that kind of person, in some ways.
But at the same time, I'm also so tired of forcing myself to put things off until I'm thin, hold off on doing things til the weight is dropped, and so much more. Why shouldn't I live my life, too, ya know?
I am happy with who I am. I am - okay - maybe not thrilled with my weight, but I have come to terms with it in many ways and I am okay enough with it to let myself be happy. I'm fat, I'm obese, I'm whatever you want to use for the description, and while those words sting when someone else uses them, I'd prefer heavy-set, but I know I'm way heavier than that, I'm recognizing it and I'm okay with it.
But I want to be healthier, so that is the one thing that says, you know, this extra weight you're carrying around, it's not really for you. Your 5' 2" frame? Not supposed to be quite where the scale lands for you every week. Am I expecting to be down to the 122-125 lbs that THEY say I should be? He!! no. So I know that I'll always be fat or overweight, even at what may end up being my skinniest. And for me, if I'm not happy with that - well - it'll be the end of the hard work I've put into being who I am and accepting her, aka ME, ya know?
And in another respect, if I was unhappy I think I wouldn't let myself have that extra piece of chocolate or that oatmeal cookie. And I do. I do and most of the time I am okay with that. Not always, which, obviously, is why I am here, but much of the time I know that I am who I am and that's OK.
I'm rambling, and I don't mean to be lecturing, just wanted to share my own take.
So, anyone else thinking that Andrea has two people inside? The fat and happy girl, and the fat and unhappy girl. How to meld the two? Lose the weight I want to lose, without feeling I need to go further just because the charts and demographics say so. And then wait and see. Everything isn't going to fall into place if I lose weight. I still won't be driving, and I'll still have anxiety, and I'll still be me. So while trying to get to where I want to be body-wise, I'd also love to continue loving me. Because - lest I forget - I'm the only me I'm ever going to get to be.