Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Why I want to lose weight ...

Someone asked this recently of me and I posted the following in response:

I want to lose weight ...

* So I can look at myself and know I'm my healthiest ME!
* So I can breathe more easily when doing simple things.
* So I can shop in stores that have a variety of sizes and clothing to choose from.
* So I can have smaller boobs. Wink
* And better/nicer/more supportive bras.
* So I can finally look at the scale and see it drop below a number I haven't seen in years.
* So I can have enough energy to play with my daughter now and in years to come.
* So I can one day take her to Disney or some other amusement park and FIT in the seats with her and not worry about weight limits.
* So I don't have to worry about sitting in an airplane seat.
* So I can look at my naked or fully clothed COMPLETE body in a mirror and say, wow, I did it. I finally did it.
* So I can be more than 'such a pretty face.'


Once I finished this list I was almost near tears. I'm in awe of my reasoning and I needed to share with all of you (writing this post way in advance and saving it to Pour my Heart Out with Shell) and say it for real and see it on my blog, in my space, so I can remember that THIS is why I'm trying again. This is why I am moving more, eating better and working on my own mind to remind myself I CAN do this.


Anyway, I just wanted to share with my bloggy peeps. Please remind me of these reasons when the day comes that I sit and say I just can't do this. Because I know it'll come. It'll suck, but it'll come. And I'll keep trying. Persevere, so on and so forth. But I also will fail, start again, etc. and I'm so tired of failing. So tired of letting myself lose, let the weight win. So here we go again, I suppose. I'm working it. We'll see if my body and my mind work with me.

Addendum:
So I'm re-reading this post before I hit publish, and I have had some other thoughts about this, as well. It'll come off as my having a dual personality, I'm sure, but I'm going to share them, anyway.

See, as much as I do want to lose weight, be healthier, and so much more, I've also spent loads of time learning to accept myself for who I am. Learning to love me for being me. And when the question is asked whether people can actually be happy being fat. Whether people are just fat and happy. It's a tough one, isn't it? I mean, so many people look at overweight people and say, damn, how could they WANT to be like that? And do they? Do I?

I don't. I know I don't.
I know the rest of this will sound somewhat off-track or totally not the case for me, as I am trying to lose some weight. But I am that kind of person, in some ways.

But at the same time, I'm also so tired of forcing myself to put things off until I'm thin, hold off on doing things til the weight is dropped, and so much more. Why shouldn't I live my life, too, ya know?


I am happy with who I am. I am - okay - maybe not thrilled with my weight, but I have come to terms with it in many ways and I am okay enough with it to let myself be happy. I'm fat, I'm obese, I'm whatever you want to use for the description, and while those words sting when someone else uses them, I'd prefer heavy-set, but I know I'm way heavier than that, I'm recognizing it and I'm okay with it.


But I want to be healthier, so that is the one thing that says, you know, this extra weight you're carrying around, it's not really for you. Your 5' 2" frame? Not supposed to be quite where the scale lands for you every week. Am I expecting to be down to the 122-125 lbs that THEY say I should be? He!! no. So I know that I'll always be fat or overweight, even at what may end up being my skinniest. And for me, if I'm not happy with that - well - it'll be the end of the hard work I've put into being who I am and accepting her, aka ME, ya know?


And in another respect, if I was unhappy I think I wouldn't let myself have that extra piece of chocolate or that oatmeal cookie. And I do. I do and most of the time I am okay with that. Not always, which, obviously, is why I am here, but much of the time I know that I am who I am and that's OK.


I'm rambling, and I don't mean to be lecturing, just wanted to share my own take.

So, anyone else thinking that Andrea has two people inside? The fat and happy girl, and the fat and unhappy girl. How to meld the two? Lose the weight I want to lose, without feeling I need to go further just because the charts and demographics say so. And then wait and see. Everything isn't going to fall into place if I lose weight. I still won't be driving, and I'll still have anxiety, and I'll still be me. So while trying to get to where I want to be body-wise, I'd also love to continue loving me. Because - lest I forget - I'm the only me I'm ever going to get to be.

15 comments:

varunner said...

Beautifully written post Andrea. It'll be hard, but we both know you can meet those goals. Print off your reasons and put them somewhere you'll see them every day. Positive affirmations of the mind really do make a difference. I also read recently to start the day saying "I will eat mindfully today". Tell yourself that, and when you read for the cookies, maybe it'll be easier to just have the one treat instead of more. It seems to work for me, anyhow :-)

Shell said...

Such fabulous reasons- and YOU CAN DO IT!!!

Muffy Morgan said...

Treat yourself just as well as you treat your daughter. Be kind to you. =) Celebrate every accomplishment, look at every moment as an opportunity to make a healthy and kind decision for you, and you'll be surprised what happens. I'm right there with you girl! Good Luck!

platanosandmangoes said...

That you love the inside is most important, sounds like you just want your outside to catch up! :D

Pam said...

I struggle with these sames feelings of wanting to change yet also wanting to accept myself as I am. Right now I'm trying to focus solely on being healthy. I'm hoping that that will bring me the balance I seem to be lacking. Good luck as you try to sort this all out. {{hugs}}

Dysfunctional Mom said...

I totally understand all of it, even the dilemma. For me though, I would feel, in a way, like I was OK with being overweight, but I never truly was. I just wanted to be ok with it. But I was uncomfortable and couldn't do what I wanted to do physically.
But taking it off is SO very hard, nobody who hasn't been there could ever understand that.
I wish you luck! xo

Sorta Southern Single Mom said...

This is a great post. I'm sitting here, trying to think of something more to say, but everything I try to say comes off wrong, so I'll leave it at that... it's a great post that comes from your heart. My mind works like this too.

susie kline said...

I feel the same way. But I am also reading the research that diets don't work (95% of people fail eventually) and that some of the unhealthy-fat-claims are unfounded. It's all tied up in the $60 billion diet industry!

But I think a fat person can make healthier choices. We can exercise--30 minutes a day doesn't sound like much but I'm having trouble with it. Choose healthier foods without depriving yourself.

You really need to check out this blog...http://danceswithfat.wordpress.com/

I'm not saying you shouldn't do what you really want to do. Just trying to let you see that maybe there are alternatives.

Good luck with whatever you choose!

xo Susie

Secret Mom Thoughts said...

I could have written this post. Just not as well. I totally understand how you feel. I'm struggling but trying too.

Kara @ His, Hers and Ours said...

Like Secret Mom, I could've written this post as well. And as of the last couple of months I've really gotten to the point of knowing that I (a) have to do this, but also (b) I am ready to do this. I've always known I need to do it, but being ready is totally different.

It sounds like you're ready!! :)

I wish you all the luck and support, and we'll be here cheering you on!!

adayinmynyc.com said...

Such am awesome post! Believe in yourself...I know you can do it! :)

Doreen McGettigan said...

I agree with everyone else..awesome real post. I would suggest as we are doing in our house concentrating on eating healthier and drinking only water. Instead of saying I want to lose 50lbs. we say 5..and then 5 again...
Good luck you can do it!

Not Just Another Jennifer said...

Was it the pain or being so close to him - bring it on! :) And love the cats. Cute story. Very engaging. Wish I know what happened to her. Did she pass out? Did where was she hurt exactly? But I love the way it ends.

Not Just Another Jennifer said...

Jumped over here after reading your TRDC prompt, and I know exactly what you mean! Though I was skinny when I was younger, so I know I really can be the weight "they" say, though that's not going to happen unless losing weight officially becomes my job because I don't have the spare 40 hours a week it would take to get it done. But I could realistically lose 50 lbs and that seems like a crazy-high number when I say it out loud. I WANT to lose the weight, but I also want to be happy with me as is. Great post! Good luck on your endeavor. you CAN do it!

Not Just Another Jennifer said...

Jumped over here after reading your TRDC prompt, and I know exactly what you mean! Though I was skinny when I was younger, so I know I really can be the weight "they" say, though that's not going to happen unless losing weight officially becomes my job because I don't have the spare 40 hours a week it would take to get it done. But I could realistically lose 50 lbs and that seems like a crazy-high number when I say it out loud. I WANT to lose the weight, but I also want to be happy with me as is. Great post! Good luck on your endeavor. you CAN do it!

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