Wednesday, January 5, 2011

Sometimes I Suck


There. I said it. Sometimes I just plain suck.

I'm trying to be strong, powerful and an incredible woman. I'm trying to be the most amazing mother. I'm trying to be a fantastic wife. I'm trying to be a loyal and involved daughter, sister and aunt. I'm trying to find the right people to be the kind of friend for that I thrive on being.
Sometimes I drop the ball.

Sometimes I suck.


Yesterday I had this post rattling around in my head and I thought to myself, G-d, woman, what kind of mother ARE you? This would be after I went upstairs to go to the bathroom, and actually LOCKED the door behind me. Don't worry - my husband was home already. I wasn't hiding from the child, though I would have loved to. I double-checked the door as the latch is wonky, and seriously, one of my biggest cats can open the door when it's not truly and thoroughly latched. I really don't enjoy having the door sprung open on my while I'm sitting there in the midst of my business. Not that anyone does, of course.


Well, a few minutes into things, if that (I'll admit, I was idling. I was on the iPad, taking my time) my daughter knocks heavily on the door. HEAVILY. I tell her I can't open the door, and I'll be downstairs in a minute. She gets quiet, and suddenly storms through the door. I mean, literally STORMS through that sucker. It was locked. What the he!!?


I was PI$$ED. Steamed. Seriously ticked off. "GO!" I screamed. "Close that door!" She looked at me like a deer in the headlights. "Close it! NOW!"


My anger level was ridiculous. I mean, for goodness sake, she is THREE. What the hell was wrong with me? What the hell IS wrong with me?


Sigh. Literally. I am heavily sighing right now.


Sometimes I just look at her and feel happier than I could have ever imagined, and other times, though I am still looking at her with that same feeling in my heart, I am so frustrated that I don't know who I turn into. It's like a crazy anxiety streaks through me, and I just don't have the right way to respond rationally and remember that she is a CHILD. MY CHILD.


MY THREE YEAR OLD CHILD.


Sigh.

So - what is wrong with me? I won't even get into the mindset that comes after the crash of anxiety leaves me, and I feel sad, hurtful and hurt. I look at her sweet little face (as mischievous as she may be, she's still my little sweetie) and feel like crap. I start questioning how it's possible I have stayed home with her for her entire life. Yes, almost four years. Not driving. How much am I cheating her out of? What is she getting at home with me everyday, when I end up yelling at the poor kid? Double or triple sigh.

Anyway, that's where I'm at. We have had a great day so far today. Our Wii Fit arrived this morning and we spent some time laughing, working out, and moving our booties. It's been fun, and despite my congested head and turning on Olivia and Little Bill (yes, Twitter friends, AGAIN) for her so she could eat lunch in front of the tube while I made myself some tea, we haven't had any iffy moments - yet. I guess most of them come later in the day. I suppose when I just am losing it, losing my grip on the day, waiting for my husband to come home, and so forth. But how to make them stop ... or are they normal? I don't know. All I know is they suck when they happen. And I totally feel like *I* suck, too.

Yours in suckky-ness ...

p.s. Almost forgot to say I'm linking up with Shell this week for Pour Your Heart Out.

14 comments:

blueviolet said...

You don't suck. You're human, and you lost your temper. You're not the first parent to snap in anger at their child and you won't be the last.

Since you are recognizing it, you will probably be able to start curbing the anger when it feels over the top. If you can manage to not say a word no matter how angry you are, it will give you a minute to calm down and deal with it in a more constructive way.

But you don't suck.

varunner said...

Oh yeah, we've all been there. To err is motherhood and all that. Today I made Pierce hang out in the basement and jump on the mini trampoline so I could run my 5 miles. I know that was totally lame for him - jumping on a tiny trampoline while watching mom on the treadmill. But at least I'm a lot nicer afterwards! So yeah - if you need to shut the bathroom door for a break and more sanity, you do it. You'll be a better parent afterwards.

Pam said...

You are not alone. All parents lose it at some point or another. Don't be too hard on yourself. I think you hit on something, though, when you talked about being home all day and not driving. Being stuck in the house, day after day, with a 3 year can be a real challenge. I don't think it's hurting your daughter, but it might be giving you cabin fever. Just a thought...

Shell said...

you don't suck. You're just a mom. We aren't perfect and we lose our tempers. I get like this when I haven't had a break in a while and I end up yelling "leave mommy alone!!!!"

Shelly said...

I think we've all had days like that where we just feel like failures as moms. I can totally relate. I've yelled and lost my temper on many an occasion. Sometimes we moms just need our own "time out." Even if it's in the bathroom. lol

Dysfunctional Mom said...

You definitely don't suck. You are human. We all have those moments or days....I'm having one right now.
Give yourself a break!

That One Mom said...

Seriously, yesterday I lit my kids up like the 4th of July. You so dont suck. As parents we get pushed to the outer limits of our tolerance thresholds. Yes, she is only 3, but you are only human. Cut yourself some slack, sista!

Sorta Southern Single Mom said...

You don't suck, you're a mom. And yes, she's three, but she understood you and chose to listen because it didn't meet her immediate need. Maybe next time she'll remember. Even at three, if she'd asked you to do something for her and you didn't listen, she's be upset too. She's 3, but she's old enough to 'get' it!

kneesandpaws said...

I have a sixteen year old daughter and sometimes during her preschool years and then again during the early teen years I also had moments of utter sucky-ness. Looking back, I wish I had taken more time and money to do nice things for myself away from home.

Erin said...

Oh Andrea. There's nothing wrong with you, sweets. YOU ARE HUMAN. YOU ARE A MOM. Moms lose their shit sometimes. And you know what? It's OKAY. Go easy on yourself. You are a wonderful mom. If you heard the screaming I did around here on a regular day, you'd probably never speak to me again!

;-)

Rachel said...

Oh just wait until she's 4! I had a moment, just a quick moment today. My Mom saw the look on my face (home visiting) and she just said 'He's oh so very 4 these days, isn't he'

We have our Mommy moments and that's what keeps us human. How boring would you be if you were some cookie cutter 1950s Mom who only had prozac as an emotion.

And I would have been annoyed too. You don't push open a door like that! Even when you are 3.

Good thing they are adorable eh. And good for us they love us so much. :)

Denise said...

Oh, those sucky sucky days. It's the day that sucked, not you. I've felt these exact same damning emotions--so so normal, so so real.

Two Normal Moms said...

There's nothing wrong with you. You're just another human trying to do the best she can. And lucky for us human moms, our kids are pretty resilient.
-Ally

Mo 'Betta said...

So glad I'm not the only one. Apparently, I suck too. I have THREE kids...and sometimes I lose my sh%t, and then I feel all those same emotions you described. Mr. Two has started preschool 2 half days a week, so that helps (and he loves it!). It's like I just told my husband tonight...we do the best we know how to do.

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