Lost.

Today I leave New York for the first time knowing you're not here.

I leave without having to let you know that I've landed 500 miles away. 

I leave without texting you after I've settled into the house.

I don't know how to do that. 

I don't know how to head towards the airport without telling you I'll be back soon.

Without telling you I love you.

Without holding up our ILY sign and waving out the car window.

Today I leave a New York that feels a lot less like home.

And return to a North Carolina that will feel just as empty.

I don't know how to do that.

I know my heart hurts.

I know my body aches. 

I know I have aged over the last week, I look at myself and see you and Daddy and wonder where I am in there. 

I know that seeing you both is exactly where I am in there. 

Exactly how I am who I am.

Today.

I'm supposed to return *home* and think of ways to make life go on.

Without you. 

And I have to tell you, Momma. 

I am feeling utterly lost.

I am feeling completely broken.

I am feeling so empty.

I love you, Momma. 

Lost or not, that I know. 

Always.

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