Tuesday, October 22, 2019

Tips for Men: How Not To Create A Dating Profile

dating, divorce, Tinder, Bumble, OKCupid, Coffee Meets Bagel, Match.com, eHarmony, online dating, dating apps, dating profiles, what not to do to get a date

Listen. I've been single for a good bit of time, y'all.

Dating after divorce is not a fun experience, especially if you have been married for while, or a long long while.

You just don't know what's out there.

And let me tell you, my friends, what's out there? It's terrifying.

I've decided to take this space to write a few tips on what not to include in your profiles. Let me help you, if you would. Because many of you are scaring off potential partners with what you ARE including. And maybe you know it and don't care, but in case you do? Keep reading.

10 things you need to stop including in your dating profiles

1. Fish pics.

STOP with the fish pics, please. Not one woman that I know is going to swipe right because of the size of your fish. Yo. Seriously. Stop it. Think about it. It's a DEAD FISH. We don't want to see that. 

2. Not my kid pics.

Listen. We know. You wrote in your profile or included in your bio info that you don't have any kids. And then, the disclaimer. "That's my nephew." "Not my kid." All the things that reiterate that the kids in your photos aren't yours. Okay. We get it. 

3. Blurry faces. 

Maybe this doesn't bother other people, but if you're going to put your pics on a dating app, can't you find some that don't include alllll the other people that you've blurred out? Especially the kids. You know. The ones that aren't yours? [See above.]

4. Group pics.

An entire profile of photos that include at least 1-2 other people. Because, dude, which one are you? A group shot or two in the mix of 5-6 photos? Great. We see you have friends. But all of 'em? No. Please.

5. Insults.

If you insult women in your profile I'm going to wonder what the heck you're even doing on the app. Those profiles that say: 'Nobody reads this anyway," or "If you don't look like your pics you're buying drinks until you do!" - - and yes, I'm 100% serious. I've seen that one several times. Thanks, but no thanks.

6. Let's talk beards.

Do you have one or don't you? If you do, maybe don't include pictures of the time that you didn't. If you don't, please don't include beard pics without the disclaimer that the beard is temporary. Because we want to know who we're meeting. Not who you used to be.

7. Ab shots.

We get it. You have abs. A 6-pack. Hot. But if all your pics are you lifting up the side of your shirt in a gym selfie? I'm turned off. Usually because you've got your tongue hanging out, or your face is covered by the cell phone in the mirror, or, well, let's face it, there's always the peace out two-finger salute. That one's fun. 

8. Pets that aren't yours. 

Unacceptable, guys. Truly misleading. We need to know if you're snuggling up to Max or Fido regularly, or just using them for a photo opp. 

9. Hunting pics. 

See the info on fish pics, and increase it 1000-fold. Because, no. I think I speak on behalf of all the women out there. We don't need to see any dead animals. Period. 

10. Dick pics. 

I know. You can't really show them in your profiles. You'd be reported in a heartbeat. But the number of pics I have seen with the shadow/shaping/underwear/crotch shots? Unlimited. They do nothing for you. They make you unappealing. Just. Stop. Maybe you're cheating on your wife. Maybe you don't want your female colleagues to see you on a dating app. Just. Stop. Show us something else if you're not going to show your face. Some women might swipe anyway, just out of curiosity. Do it differently and you can still maintain privacy and anonymity. 

There you have it. 

Now, this says nothing about grammatical and spelling errors, profiles that are all caps, and some that are just empty (because WHY, y'all? WHY?). I've got plenty more to say on that.


Just stick with me and I'll get there eventually. *wink*

1 comment:

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