Saturday, March 23, 2019

Divorce as a Nonparent

So many women find themselves in a new stage of life, a change that they can't seem to wrap their minds around. An unexpected one. Prompted by themselves. Their partner. Both of them.

One doesn't need to know how things started, or - more likely - ended - to consider exploring the emotions experienced when it comes to divorce.

Divorce is difficult.

It does not matter if you're a mom or a dad, or quite possibly someone who is defined and described as a wife or husband, without that parent moniker attached.

So, if that is you? I am writing this for you.

divorce, separation, break-up, nonparent, life alone, transitions, changes, new life, what next

And no. If you've known me for any period of time, you know I'm a mom. So you know that this label - this "wife" label without the mom attached is not who I am. I haven't been a wife for some time. (This is not a play on words, I am not referring here to my own separation and divorce - but to that day in 2007 when I became mom, as well.)

But for those of you out there who are watching your life as a wife shift and change. Watching it disappear. You've got so much ahead of you and I'm here to let you know that.

It won't be easy.

Shoot, it'll flat out be HARD.

It won't feel right. Normal.

It will feel confusing. Different.

You will find yourself questioning, was that even my life?

Because when you're divorcing someone and you don't share a child together, the process is different, and the post-divorce communication is different.

In fact, for some, and this may or may not be you, there isn't any.

No communication at all.

And goodness, how hard is that.

The person who was your home. The person who you discussed every decision over the last however-many-years with. The person who you fell in love with and shared big dreams with.

Gone. Vanished from your every day. In a way you never ever expected.

How do you move forward?

Is it better or worse? Would you prefer to see that person regularly and have to discuss your child's well-being with them via phone and text and face-to-face?

Do you want pictures laying around so your child feels like their other parent is still there somehow?

Or is it easier to feel this clean break?

To close the door and throw away the things they left behind and never truly have to see them again.

There is no answer.

There is no easier way.

Both transitions, changes, losses - both ways? Kinda suck.

Even if they are what you wanted. Even if you initiated the change in your relationship.

They're both really really hard in so many ways.

So, if you are someone who is no longer able to place your former spouse's face in a crowd, or if you're someone who is trying to figure out what this new life will mean for you - you're not the only one. You're not alone in experiencing loss. You may even feel it more deeply because there are no remnants of before. Or there is no covering up your own pain while loving and supporting your child(ren).

Allow yourself that. Do what you need to take care of you.

And remember. You're not alone. And you're going to be okay.

It will take time, but you will find yourself again. You will figure out who you are. What you need. Where you want to go next.

And I'll be cheering you on from the sidelines, virtual or otherwise, however you need me to. Now get out there and get it! Whatever you determine it may be.

divorce, separation, break-up, nonparent, life alone, transitions, changes, new life, what next

1 comment:

  1. Thank you for sharing this. I am still blessed in my marriage but this is what the internet needs more of - sharing what's rough to make it easier for others on that path. That is why I started blogging (you and me back in the dark ages of blogger) and what I still love about it. Sorry that I've been away.


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