Thursday, June 29, 2017

Summertime and the Livin' Ain't Easy

motherhood, parenting, divorce, life, family, changes, growth, anxiety, family support, daughter, moms and daughters
It's officially summer.

Ask me how I know.

It's not because of the higher than high temps.

North Carolina has had those for months now.

And it's not that big ole bright ball in the sky.

That thing comes and goes as it pleases.

But it's time to pack.

It's time to get my daughter all set up for her trip to her grandparents.

She heads up to see them for a huge chunk of the summer.

And this summer - this year - three years after her very first time north without me?

I won't see her for three consecutive weeks.

Yes.

I know.

For many that is absolutely nothing.

For many that seems like freedom.

And in the past it has - just a little bit.

But this year is different. 

This year it's just me.

Me. Here. Without her.

Me. Here. Finding my way.

It may be an important window of time.

The first time in months - save for my recent trip - that I'll be able to pause my worry about her.

Not in the way you might think.

My anxiety is fierce and always functions.

As a parent you always worry about your child.

This will be no different.

But maybe for three weeks I'll put myself first.

Maybe I'll find out what it's like to sleep in a bed alone.

Maybe I'll find out what it's like to cry without worrying what she's thinking.

Maybe I'll find out how to be myself again.

I know.

Three weeks isn't a lot of time.

It's not enough time to recreate myself.

But it's enough time to figure out more of the firsts. 

It's enough time to do that spring cleaning and purging that needs to be done.

Those bags filled with clothes were just scratching the surface.

I have so much more to do.

To rid this house of.

To rid myself of.

To help me find myself again.

Because it's so so very different now.

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