Wednesday, February 29, 2012

Thinking it through

Sometimes so much happens in our day to day that our hearts and minds need a break.

And sometimes there is toxicity that surrounds us and it is important to cut ourselves out of that environment. It's a hard thing to do, especially when you're as committed to things as I am. When you've put your heart and soul and full and complete self into something, you - if you're me - never want to walk away.

It's rough.

It's like a friendship that has always been a bit iffy. The best friend who talked about you behind your back. The one who always made you feel crappy for your choices and the way you lived. Mostly - and you knew this at that time - because she was jealous, but also because she liked to shoot you down.

And when someone said to you, "WHY do you take this? WHY do you stay friends with her?" you reply, "Because that's *so-and-so* ... that's how she is."

She's that individual who asked, 'Why do you want to go to social work school? What's the point? You already have a good job,' instead of saying something like, that is AWESOME. You're amazing for trying to take all of that on while working full time and living the rest of your life. Way to go!

The one who, when you decided to officially apply, and take classes and move forward, said, 'Wow. You're going to quit your job, eventually? No kidding...' and trailed off, with no words of support.

Sometimes it takes an explosion of sorts to pull you apart. A grenade that the individual herself has thrown. Other times it takes incoming fire from others to have you recognize that you're not the target, not really. It's themselves. Or it's the person you've stood beside all along.

I don't need to be a part of anything that toxic.

I don't need to find myself with a pit in my stomach, second-guessing those around me or myself on a daily basis. And so I move forward. Cut ties with said friend.

I want to hold on. But do I want what I knew of her before - or what she has shown me now? I want to know what kind of person she is deep inside. I want to know what she really thinks and feels. But she's already shown me, hasn't she?

And those people throwing stones? What's up with them, you ask? /shrug. If I only knew. I just know that sometimes people get their panties in a wad, and I'm not the kind of chick who plays that game. Just ask my best guy friends. They know me well. They've listened to the crap. My story. Stories. They've stayed strong, minus the guilt, the bullshit, the intensity. They're friends. Man, sometimes guys are so much easier to hang with, aren't they?

If only it were always that simple. And so it goes. And so do I. I move on. I hang in there. I see whatever it is that works for me. I'll do me, and you do you, right? Isn't that the best saying? It's like my motto. My words of encouragement for friends. Even non-friends. You do you - cause that's all you can do, no? Sigh.

I feel better now. Sometimes hashing things out in my own sacred space is what works best for me. Funny how I almost wrote you there. You. Me. Where is the divide? I suppose it depends, right? Where do you want it to be? Because I won't create one. I'm not that kind of friend. Not that kind of girl. But hey, if you put it there? Put that wall up? I won't shove it down. Ball's in your court.

And on that note - c'est la vie. I really could use a motivational Pinterest saying right about now, but I'm too lazy to go and grab one, so I'll just put up the PYHO button, instead. Because, honestly? That's enough.



10 comments:

Galit Breen said...

Such a tough situation. I love how wisely you wrote it out, and worked your feelings out within and between your own heart. That's the one we're with all the time after all, we have to take of it, right?

(So sorry for the heart hurts, my friend.)

Stephanie aka Scattermom said...

Meh, a really good friend terminated a friendship with me right before the holidays. Honestly, it was probably the best thing...ever. Hard to explain to my kids, but they are dealing.

I file the "haters" in the
women-like-my-mom category; the people who follow up every scrap of encouragement with a but.

Women are competitive snots sometimes. Like there isn't enough life out there for all of us.

Jenn and Casey said...

That's hard, but in the end it's so good to leave toxic people behind. But doesn't stop the hurt. :( Thinking of you!

JDaniel4's Mom said...

This is so hard. I really don't like when this happens.

Oh! Your guest post has had 500 pages views since yesterday. The number of comments show some of what people have thought but, many stop by to read and didn't comment.

Secret Mom Thoughts said...

Cutting ties is tough but needs to be done sometimes.

Kimberly said...

you wrote this brilliantly.
This is such a hard topic...mainly because I am in such a relationship and it's hard to cut the tie.
So hard.

Jessica Marks said...

Well written. We're all a work in progress, and I think that as we change we tend to see where toxicity lives. So we pick ourselves up and move on. :-)

Lora said...

I can totally relate. Thank you for putting this down in words.

Shell said...

Friendships like that are so hard. Forgiving the bad even though it seems like all you get is negative. It becomes very draining.

idiosyncraticeye said...

Feeling for you so much because boy have I been there! So many times. Stay strong. :)

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