Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Walking away

Is it wrong that every now and then I walk away from my child?

I mean, shouldn't she, at the ripe old age of four, be able to play on her own without needing me to come to her call every waking second?


And when I do come back. After stepping away - is it wrong that I am immediately exhausted at the fact that she has nearly used up 75 craft sticks and simply stuck random drops of glue on them? I mean, I walked away, and she was working on a pretty craft. But stupid me, I left the rest of the bag there - too close to her small hands. Too close to pass up.


And so when I return to the table and find the glue there, am I wrong to want to beat myself up. Kick myself. Make a fist and bite it for lack of another way to hold back the frustration from her, and keep it directed at the stupidity that is me?


The mother. Mommy. The one who should know better but never seems to?


I know she's four. I know she's creative. And I know that kids make messes. But you'd think by now I'd learn that messes come when I leave things out for her to reach for. Leave things too close to those little fingers. As beautiful as they are. And all I start wishing is that I had left the TV on for a little bit longer and skipped the mess that is now my kitchen table.


I kept the paint hidden because it's a disaster waiting to happen. It's dry. Goopy. Needs to be thrown out and to be honest I just was not in the mood for that kind of mess today. And instead I chose glue.


How stupid can a person be, right? I mean, how stupid can I be?


Am I allowed to kick myself? Am I allowed to feel exhausted and recognize that I am feeling so after only having been home with her one day after an emotionally long weekend?


I love my daughter with all that I am and all that I have. But sometimes I just feel like walking away, finding some breathing time, and tuning out for a short while. And when I do I just wish that I re-focus and return to a child playing quietly and nicely, and without a disaster waiting for me.


Is that so wrong?


13 comments:

Patty @ A Day in My NYC said...

You can try not to beat yourself up because isn't this a phase in a childs life. It won't always be this way...in a few year(s) she'll be in school, she'll have different interests and activities and maybe just maybe you'll have a little you time :)

Remember I'm not a parent yet but exhaustion & frustration just comes with life. It's just different for all of us...escaping or walking away always sounds like a good idea :)

LeadingMama said...

I struggle with the same things as you. I have a four year old son. He does things like color with markers on the carpet sometimes. Not because he's a bad boy. Just because he gets outside the page. He doesn't mean to do it. And I do sometimes think the TV is safer. It's okay to need a break. It's okay to step away for awhile. Everyone can't be knee-deep in preschoolers and retain their sanity. Some women thrive on that. But not all of us. It's okay.

Amy said...

It's okay to walk away and taske a breather. It's okay to get frustrated. It is okay to want a few moments of sanity It is all okay.

Lisa @ Two Bears Farm said...

I give myself time outs all the time. Much better than the alternative (losing it!) ;-)

Shell said...

Oh girl. After everything my kids do, I always think that I should have known better.

And I walk away. Quite a lot.

Michelle (Red Headed Book Child) said...

I have to walk away or I will go crazy. The alternative is far worse. My little guy knows what to do to push my buttons now and it's so hard not to step into that.

Im having one of those days too. sigh.

Ms. Latina said...

I know. I understand. It's not wrong.
You are a Mom.
You love your daughter.
You are human.
You need a break.
You deserve a break...
or else YOU will break.

I learned this long time ago. Here's the secret. If you love your daughter, thn the best thing you can do for her is take care of yourself. That means taking breaks. Read a book, go for a walk, get a mani/pedi, call someone, meet your friends, go swimming, climb a mountain, fly a plane, hire a sitter and JUST DO IT. For you, so you can do for her. Because you love her. Because you love you. *Big hug*

Kristy said...

No, you are not wrong, you are ok, you are normal! :) Yay!

Sorta Southern Single Mom said...

Nope- not wrong. On more than one occasion when my children were four and under, I locked myself in the bathroom for a little peace and quiet. It's also really hard to get over my own need for perfection and just let them do it their way. Then I taught preschool...that helped :)

SuzRocks said...

I know that when I have kids, I'll totally want to walk away and leave them to their own devices. Better to walk away than to get too frustrated! Although walking away can then cause frustration.

blahyaya.com said...

bless your heart sweet girl! deep breaths. of course you need time for you, always. love your honesty.

Ilana said...

NO, that is not wrong. Kids are exhausting. Every night I go to sleep, so excited to play with my daughter the next day and you know how I feel the next day? Like I want to fall over and sleep for the next five hours in a row.

Miri said...

Excuse me, did I write this?

Yes, as mothers, sometimes we need space, a breather, smack in the middle of the day, not having to wait till they go to sleep. Sometimes we need to walk away.

And then when we come back, they've wreaked havoc and destruction... and we have to kick ourselves for it.

Welcome to the club :)

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