Is it wrong that every now and then I walk away from my child?
I mean, shouldn't she, at the ripe old age of four, be able to play on her own without needing me to come to her call every waking second?
And when I do come back. After stepping away - is it wrong that I am immediately exhausted at the fact that she has nearly used up 75 craft sticks and simply stuck random drops of glue on them? I mean, I walked away, and she was working on a pretty craft. But stupid me, I left the rest of the bag there - too close to her small hands. Too close to pass up.
And so when I return to the table and find the glue there, am I wrong to want to beat myself up. Kick myself. Make a fist and bite it for lack of another way to hold back the frustration from her, and keep it directed at the stupidity that is me?
The mother. Mommy. The one who should know better but never seems to?
I know she's four. I know she's creative. And I know that kids make messes. But you'd think by now I'd learn that messes come when I leave things out for her to reach for. Leave things too close to those little fingers. As beautiful as they are. And all I start wishing is that I had left the TV on for a little bit longer and skipped the mess that is now my kitchen table.
I kept the paint hidden because it's a disaster waiting to happen. It's dry. Goopy. Needs to be thrown out and to be honest I just was not in the mood for that kind of mess today. And instead I chose glue.
How stupid can a person be, right? I mean, how stupid can I be?
Am I allowed to kick myself? Am I allowed to feel exhausted and recognize that I am feeling so after only having been home with her one day after an emotionally long weekend?
I love my daughter with all that I am and all that I have. But sometimes I just feel like walking away, finding some breathing time, and tuning out for a short while. And when I do I just wish that I re-focus and return to a child playing quietly and nicely, and without a disaster waiting for me.
Is that so wrong?